Offensive bar jokes

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Hugh Janblack
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Post by Hugh Janblack »

Joe Twelvepack wrote:So if you ever see a fat skinhead hoofin it down the road with a bartender after him, pull over and gimme a ride.
Haha! Hell, that is a joke in itself.
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

It will hurt less if you don't struggle.

Joe Twelvepack
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Post by Joe Twelvepack »

Me running is a joke for sure. After 6 shots that fast? I'd be sweatin booze and panting like a dog.
stop thinking start drinking

UnkleLemmy
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Post by UnkleLemmy »

Hugh, that reminds me of a similar joke:

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He tells the bartender "Hurry up and pour it before it happens." So the bartender does. The man orders another one, again saying ,"Hurry up, its gonna happen, it always happens". This goes on for awhile, the man always ordering shots in a hurry before "it" happens. Finally afetr 10 shots the bartender says, "How you gonna be paying for these buddy?" So the man says, "Shit, It happened!"
Savage: "Unkle Lemmy looks just like his avatar, and that is hawt. Also, he sends me a crate of bourbon every month and for this, when I die, he will inherit my castle in Savagonia, and my 72 virgins. (They are all good boys, and very hard workers.)"

DICKTRON
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Post by DICKTRON »

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats
it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls
it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled it
out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
Smoking cigarette and drinking rye
I was feeling human in the shadowed light
I was born waiting for the lights to change
I'm here heading into the rain
I'm alive
let's get drunk & drive
Pere Ubu--Wasteland

rocko
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Post by rocko »

A fella is out at the bar drinking with his buddies all night. Near the end of the evening, he throws up all over his brand new shirt.

"Shit," he says, "the wife is going to kill me! Not only did she buy me this shirt but I wasn't supposed to drink too much tonight."

"No problem," says his buddy, "Here's 20 bucks. Just tell her that some drunk threw up on you and gave you this 20 to make up for it. She can't be pissed at you for the shirt and it will explain why you smell like booze."

So the guy goes home to his wife.

"Honey, I just want you to know that this isn't my vomit. Some drunk ass barfed on me at the bar and gave me this 20 to replace the shirt."

The wife looks at him and says, "So why are there 40 dollars here?"

"Oh, he also shit in my pants."
You can kill a man for cheatin',
you can kill him for his shoes,
but expect to catch a beatin' if you're reachin' for his booze

dasbeaver
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Post by dasbeaver »

Ok, this is pretty offensive so don't read it.


A gay fellow walks into the bar, and he sees a *insert race here* standing at the end of the bar drinking alone. He is immediatley attracted to him, but is too shy to approach.

He sits down at the bar and has a few shots, and eventually builds his courage up. Finally he decides to approach him, he staggers to his feet and stumbles over and says, 'Excuse me, how would you like a blow job?'

The guy turns around and smashes him in the face, drags him outside and beats him to a bloody pulp.

WHen he walks back into the bar the bartender asks,'What did he say?'

'I dunno, something about getting a job.'

Palinka (RIP)
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Post by Palinka (RIP) »

DasBeaver wrote:Ok, this is pretty offensive so don't read it.
Wow! You were right.
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

Omar The Tentmaker
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Post by Omar The Tentmaker »

nuthin wrong with that so long as noone takes a "Joke" too seriously. Its in quotes because some people cant take em
I have a newfound respect for vegetarians. With all the good enjoyable things they cut out of their diets, they still leave in alcohol.

Non-alcoholic beers make not a Drunkard

TARTANSPECIAL
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Post by TARTANSPECIAL »

Mick and Dave are standing in the street, dying for a drink, Mick says to Dave"how much money have you got?".Dave says"only 50 pence". Mick takes the 50p and walks over to the butchers. When he comes back he has a cumberland sausage in his hand.Dave says"my last 50p, and you buy a fuckin' sausage!!!". Mick explains that with this sausage they will get free drink, when they go to the pub they order two pints and two whiskies, swallow them fast, then Mick will pull the sausage out of the front of his trousers, Dave will get on his knees, put it in his mouth as if he was giving him a blow job then the barman will throw them out. Well this works and by the tenth bar they are getting pretty drunk.
Dave says to mick"I've had enough to drink and my fuckin' knees are killing me"
Mick says " you think that's bad, i lost the sausage in the third pub".
beer, wine,voddie it don't get any better.

TARTANSPECIAL
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Post by TARTANSPECIAL »

An international competition to find the most manly man comes in three parts.
1-To drink a litre of vodka in one swallow.

2- to go into a room and shake hands with a female bear.

3-To have sex with a north siberian woman, who has never had a bath in her life.
A Frenchman drinks the vodka and collapses
An Englishman drinks the vodka, then faints at the sight of the bear.
The Scotsman drinks the vodka, walks into the room with the bear. There is a terrible commotion, then the Scotsman walks out, zips up his trousers and says" right where's this woman i've to shake hands with?".
beer, wine,voddie it don't get any better.

Chelsea40oz
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Post by Chelsea40oz »

TARTANSPECIAL wrote: A Frenchman drinks the vodka and collapses
I've fallen, and I can't get up!
Image

You're out of your league, go back to your own village!

TARTANSPECIAL
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Post by TARTANSPECIAL »

Chelsea40ozBondage! wrote:
TARTANSPECIAL wrote: A Frenchman drinks the vodka and collapses
I've fallen, and I can't get up!
Chelsea, if you've fallen i am here to pick you up :wink:
beer, wine,voddie it don't get any better.

Chelsea40oz
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Post by Chelsea40oz »

Oh! You and Billy Idol both. How sweet. Mind the kilt. :wink:
Image

You're out of your league, go back to your own village!

TARTANSPECIAL
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Post by TARTANSPECIAL »

Chelsea40ozBondage! wrote:Oh! You and Billy Idol both. How sweet. Mind the kilt. :wink:
For you i would put on the kilt, how did you know my name was Billy :?: :?: :?:
beer, wine,voddie it don't get any better.

deadpuppiesandwhores
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Post by deadpuppiesandwhores »

DasBeaver wrote:Ok, this is pretty offensive so don't read it.


A gay fellow walks into the bar, and he sees a *insert race here* standing at the end of the bar drinking alone. He is immediatley attracted to him, but is too shy to approach.

He sits down at the bar and has a few shots, and eventually builds his courage up. Finally he decides to approach him, he staggers to his feet and stumbles over and says, 'Excuse me, how would you like a blow job?'

The guy turns around and smashes him in the face, drags him outside and beats him to a bloody pulp.

WHen he walks back into the bar the bartender asks,'What did he say?'

'I dunno, something about getting a job.'
i'm cryin' and i don't care if it "offensive", that was damn funny.
road to hell is paved with unbought stuffed dogs.
"I AM TOO DRUNK TO TASTE THIS CHICKEN."
colonel sanders

http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=K8ERHQN

i'm not saying i beat the devil, but i drank his beer for nothin'.... then i stole his song.

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