Offensive bar jokes

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Grumpy
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Post by Grumpy » Fri Jun 17, 2005 9:25 pm

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first Brownie.
I don't post often, but I always post drunk.
I don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks.
Savage types for me, but she doesn't tell me what to say.

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thirsty4beer
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Post by thirsty4beer » Sun Aug 28, 2005 2:17 pm

a man kills a deer and brings it home and cooks venison for dinner but doesnt tell the kids what it is.he told them he would give them a clue'its what mummy sometimes calls daddy'
'dont eat it, johnny!' says the daughter,'its a fucking arse-hole!'
mine's a pint

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thirsty4beer
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Post by thirsty4beer » Sun Aug 28, 2005 2:20 pm

a man at a bar tries to chat up a woman, so he says to her,'my names Bond...'
'let me guess', she replies,'James Bond?'
'no' he says.'Unibond; i am here to fill your crack in'
mine's a pint

bulb1527
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Condemned

Post by bulb1527 » Mon Nov 28, 2005 8:23 am

Oggar wrote:So there I was walking down the beach with those cliffs and I came across this little boy sitting on a blanket crying his eyes out.
I think some one does not like me. B) xx(

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BuriedBlues
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Post by BuriedBlues » Sat Jan 28, 2006 1:37 pm

more! we need more! the last 6 pages are gone.


-Maria

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palmerwoodrow
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I hope this one isn't posted already

Post by palmerwoodrow » Tue Jan 31, 2006 5:24 pm

I couldn't make it through all the posts, so I hope this one wasn't posted already...

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Line me up 12 Bombay Martini's, right here!"

So the bartender makes him 12 martini's and lines them up on the bar. The guy drinks them all down, one right after the other.

The bartender says to the guy, "I don't mean to pry, but 12 martini's, what's the occasion?"

And the guy says, "I'm celebrating my first blow job."

The Bartender says "Wow! That's great, let me buy you another martini." And the guy says, "No, if 12 don't kill the taste, 13 won't do any good."

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palmerwoodrow
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by palmerwoodrow » Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:42 pm

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me 12 martini's, lined up, right here." The bartender pours the man is drinks and the guy knocks them back one right after the other. The bartender amazed, says to the man, "I don't mean to pry but, what's the occasion?" The guy says, "I'm celebrating my first blow-job." And the bartender says, "Wow buddy, that's great! Let me buy you another martini." The guy says, "Nah, if 12 don't kill the taste, 13 won't do any good."

Peaches
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Peaches » Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:50 pm

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender looks at them and says "Hey, is this some sort of joke?"

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Hardcore Stig
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Hardcore Stig » Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:37 am

A little sick but no worse than the first post:

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?


Gang rape.
"That's only a problem if you stop drinking"

"Nationality? I'm a drunkard, and that makes me a man of the world"

"The word "pub" should never need to be followed by the word "why""

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Stiggs
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Stiggs » Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:57 pm

Ol' McTavis is staggering home one night after one too many wee drams at the pub.
After several collapses, he decides to bed down under a beautiful oak tree and take a nap.
Along came two beautiful young lasses. One says to the other, "I've always wondered what's under a Scotsman's kilt?" The other says "I don't know, let's take a peak."
"My", says the first lass, "that's the prettiest thing I ever saw" and she takes the ribbon from her hair and ties it around....
Later, Ol' McTavis wakes up, and feels things ain't quite aright. He lifts up his kilt, and says "Well, I don' know where you been laddie, but I'm glad to see ya took first prize."
I smell gas.....

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cornbread714
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by cornbread714 » Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:58 pm

Stiggs wrote:Ol' McTavis is staggering home one night after one too many wee drams at the pub.
After several collapses, he decides to bed down under a beautiful oak tree and take a nap.
Along came two beautiful young lasses. One says to the other, "I've always wondered what's under a Scotsman's kilt?" The other says "I don't know, let's take a peak."
"My", says the first lass, "that's the prettiest thing I ever saw" and she takes the ribbon from her hair and ties it around....
Later, Ol' McTavis wakes up, and feels things ain't quite aright. He lifts up his kilt, and says "Well, I don' know where you been laddie, but I'm glad to see ya took first prize."
Ol' McTavis walks into a pub where he spies a cat with a long tail lounging by the fireplace.
"I'll wager my dick is longer than that cat's tail." cries McTavis.
Impressed, the barkeep accepts the bet, measures the cat's tail, and says, "...it's a full 12 inches, McTavis."
"And so, lad, how did you arrive at the measurement?" queries McTavis.
'Why, I placed the ruler at the tip of his tail and measured it to his arsehole." the barkeep replies.
"Then kindly do me the same courtesy..."
Live like a pig, die like a dog

"Everyone sleeps before I do. Sometimes I do not know what to do with myself; then the trouble begins."
-Savage

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Bundy
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bundy » Thu Sep 11, 2008 8:53 am

bloke walks into the pub and orders 8 double whiskies.

Bartender lines them up, and the bloke necks them one after the other, bang bang bang all gone.

Bartender: "Wow, 8 double whiskies.... you celebrating or something?"

Bloke: "Yeah sort of.... i had my first blowjob today."

Bartender: "Well Congratulations!! Let me get you another one on me!"

Bloke: "Thats ok, if 8 double whiskies didnt get rid of the taste, nothing will."

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Oggar
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Oggar » Sat Nov 01, 2008 4:28 am

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?








Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
I can't write like Papa, you know I just ain't able
But if he came in here tonight, I'd drink him under the table -Ronny Elliott

RIP Mayhem, as long as I have a heart you are in it.

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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by ElvisStelth » Mon Nov 03, 2008 6:44 pm

A broke Irishman is walking down the beach when he finds a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I will grant you 3 wishes, for you are my master." say the genie.
Feeling thirsty, the Irishman says, "I wish for a pint o' Guinness that will never run out..as soon as I finish it, it fills right back up to the top!"
The genie gives him exactly what he asked for. The Irishman thirstily downs the perfect pint and is astonished as it instantly refills. He guzzles the second, and third until he is satisfied that his wish came true.
The genie, seeing he is pleased says, "Master, you have two more wishes, what do you command?"
"Two more o' these pints!" answers the Irishman.
Get a haircut, HIPPY!

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Amst1d
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Amst1d » Tue Nov 25, 2008 7:16 pm

A refined looking gentleman walks into a bar and says to the barman "give me a 25 year old scotch". The bartender not believing the man could tell the difference pours a 12 year old scotch and hands it to the gentleman. He spits it out and says "I ordered a 25 year old scotch and you gave me a 12 year old scotch. Now get me that 25 year old scotch." The bartender still not certain of the man's palate pours an 18 year old scotch and hands it to the patron who promptly spits it out and says "damn it man don't try to pass that 18 year old juice off on me. The 25 year now or I shall leave this instant." Convinced the barman pours the 25 year old watches as the man sips it and slips into contentedness.
An old drunk watching the event slides a glass down to the man and says "try this." Curiously the scotch drinker takes a sip then spits it out instantly and says "why this tastes like piss!". The drunk says "it is - how old am I?"
Life's a waste of time, time's a waste of life so let's all get wasted and have the time of our life.

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