Offensive bar jokes

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Absolut Mopar
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Absolut Mopar »

Hehheh, here we go...

joke #1
So a man and his wife are having sex one night, and when they finish she asks
"So how was it"
"Well it was good hun" he replies "...but it was a little loose"
Naturally she's pissed and decides to go get a "second opinion".
So she heads out to the bar that weekend, finds a tall good looking guy and goes home with him.
When they finish she asks the stranger
"So how was it"
"Well it was good lady" he replies "...but it was a little loose"
Now shes' really pissed
So she goes home, goes into her bathroom, takes of her clothes and stands over a mirror examining herself.
'It's not that loose, those two are just assholes' she thinks to herself.
About that time her 5 year old son comes walking in
"Mommy, what are you doing" he asks
"Mommy is getting dressed, now close the door" she says somewhat embarrassed
"Okay" replies the kid "just be careful not to fall in that hole in the ground"

joke #2
So this woman is at the bar one night and sees someone she recognizes
he's a regular at the bar but the two never really met.
So she works up the courage to go talk with him, before too long the two head for his place.
When they finish he looks at her and all he can say is "That's amazing"
Which makes her smile just a bit
So the next week they do it again, and when they finish he says "Goddamn that's amazing"
Now shes got a wide grin on her face.
The next week they do it all over again but this time the man doesn't say anything.
"Well, arn't you going to say something" she asks
"Like what?"
"Well, is it amazing?"
"YEAH, it's amazing."
Now she's just grinning from ear to ear but after a minute curiosity gets the better of her.
"So what's so amazing anyway?" She asks him
"It's amazing your guts don't fall out that hole."

joke #3
So these two electricians go to the bar every Friday night after work.
Week after week the first, John, gets shot down yet the other, Kirk always takes home some gorgeous girl.
So one Friday at lunch John finally asks Kirk "I don't get it. Every Friday I go home alone and you go home with some good looking young chick. How's that happen?"
"Well, when they ask you what you do for a living what do you tell them?" Kirk asks back
"Well I tell them the truth, that I'm an electrician."
"See there's what your doing wrong, I tell them I'm a lawyer... bitches love that kind of stuff"
So that night John starts talking to a girl and she asks "So what do you do"
"I'm a lawyer" responds John. And that night he goes home with her. After sex they're lying in bed and he's looking up at the ceiling when he just starts laughing.
"What's so funny" she asks
"Oh, it's just that I've only been a lawyer for two hours and I've already fucked somebody"
"Jeff, we went through four cases of beer"
"Yeah?"
"Well, that means you drank 1, I drank 1, Andy drank 1 and Jim drank 1"
"Okay so you can still do basic math..."
"But the sun isn't even down yet and we need more beer"
-The exchange between me and Kirk at deer camp.

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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bundy »

bloke and his wife are in the pub.

Another fella walk by, leans over and says to the wife "I want to fill your cunt up with guinness and swallow every last drop."

the woman turns to her husband and says, "Aren't you going to defend my honour you pissmidget? Go and kick his arse."

And her husbands says "no way am i messing with a bloke who can drink 25 pints of Guinness."

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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by BeerMakesMeSmart »

Bundy[butt] wrote:bloke and his wife are in the pub.

Another fella walk by, leans over and says to the wife "I want to fill your cunt up with guinness and swallow every last drop."

the woman turns to her husband and says, "Aren't you going to defend my honour you pissmidget? Go and kick his arse."

And her husbands says "no way am i messing with a bloke who can drink 25 pints of Guinness."
Are you the other fella?
I'll miss you, pallie.

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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bundy »

BeerMakesMeSmart wrote:
Bundy[butt] wrote:bloke and his wife are in the pub.

Another fella walk by, leans over and says to the wife "I want to fill your cunt up with guinness and swallow every last drop."

the woman turns to her husband and says, "Aren't you going to defend my honour you pissmidget? Go and kick his arse."

And her husbands says "no way am i messing with a bloke who can drink 25 pints of Guinness."
Are you the other fella?
actually yes. my personal record is 25 pints of guinness, but that was over nine hours.

and i drank it out of her arse.

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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Jags »

A pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

The bartender says, "hey you know there is a steering wheel hanging out of your pants?".

The pirate replies, "Aye, it's drivin' me nutz.".

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Jelmo
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Jelmo »

I walked into the bar the other day and saw a pirate sitting there. And I mean a real pirate: eye patch, hook, peg leg, the whole bit...
So I sat down next to him and asked him: "Sorry, I don't need to be rude but how come you've got a wooden leg?"
He said "Yarr! I was sitting on me deck, with me feet be in the water, shark be there and bit of me leg. So now I have a wooden leg"
"Well, that sucks. But how did you get that hook?"
"Argh! Well I be in a bloody fight, and me hand got cut off. So now I have a hook."
"Wow that truly is amazing, one last question though: Why do you have an eyepatch?"
"Yarr! I lost me eye because a seagull shit in it."
I pissed myself laughing: "Come on man, you can't lose an eye just because a seagull shit in it?!"
"Well, I've only had that hook for about a week..."
"Don't give a damn how this turns out
Drain bottles just to scream and shout
On the run from reality
Poison helps me and go flee"

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WeatherMan
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by WeatherMan »

A colleague approached this man at lunch that invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The colleague suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
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and those who don't love us, may god turn their hearts
and if he can't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles
so we'll know 'em by their limping!

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Jelmo
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Jelmo »

HA had seen that coming from miles away but I laughed anyway. Might be that Vodka haze I'm in.

Last summer, on a warm summernight I decided to stroll down the beach a bit.
All of a sudden I trip over something that was lying there in the sand, spilled my whole drink.

I turned around to see on what I tripped and there lay a woman. An old lady, about 70 I guess, and she had no arms and no legs.
So I asked her: Are you alright?
"Yeah. I'm ok." And she started crying.
"What's wrong?"
"Well, I'm almost 70 years old, I have no arms and no legs, and I've never touched the ocean."
Being the gentleman that I am I picked her up, and held her in the sea for a bit.
She smiled, thanked me but then started crying again.
"What's wrong now?"
"Well, I'm almost 70 years old, I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."
I kinda felt sorry for her so I looked to the left and to the right - nobody there so I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.
She smiled, but then started crying again.
"What's wrong NOW?!!"
"Well, I'm 70 years old, I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been fucked."
I picked her up, threw her in the ocean as far as I could and yelled "Well, you're fucked now!"
"Don't give a damn how this turns out
Drain bottles just to scream and shout
On the run from reality
Poison helps me and go flee"

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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Two Hearted »

Not offensive, but good nonetheless:

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin,orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'
The cabin sits shut-down, cold-frozen and empty, dead mice in the traps, waiting for me to drink alone there in the dark.
--Smatter

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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Hinchliffe »

A guy walks into a bar, sees a sign that reads, "Free beer if you can pass our test!" Naturally, he's curious, and asks the bartender what the test might be.

The bartender explains, "First, you have to drink a pint glass of Tobasco. Then, you have to go out back to the gator pond and pull that gator's sore tooth. Then comes the hard part; there's a woman upstairs ain't never had an orgasm in her life, and you gotta get her off."

Naturally, the guy declines the challenge, but as the evening wears on and the libations flow, he demands of the bartender, "Whersh that dam' Tubasco, hunh? Bring it!" Drunk as a lord, he downs the whole pint of potent pepper, slams the glass down on the bar, and runs howling out the back door toward the gator pond.

All is silence, and then a terrible roaring splits the night. A titanic struggle of man vs. beast erupts outside, all banging and thumping and screams like the damned in Hell. Finally, he stumbles back into the bar, a mad gleam in his eye, and shouts, "Now, whersh that bitch with the sore tooth?"
"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life." -- Dorothy Parker

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Wingman
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Post by Wingman »

PeepingTomCollins wrote: Fanny here is more like your bottom or ass-cheeks (hence fanny-pack for that stupid little pouch some people wear on their hip) ... fanny there is a vagina. Here, Fanny is a common female name as well ... I am sure you guys crack up over that one from time to time.
Regards,
worked at a bar in Georgia called Fannie's on the Beach. brits bought those shirts like mad....
Stupid should hurt.

"We're better than mere people, we're DRUNKARDS."
--ThirstyDrunk

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Glasgae Sam
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Glasgae Sam »

Heh heh - I like this thread =D

Not at all offensive, but usually raises a groan..

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. Then he hears a voice call out "My, that's a fine shirt you're wearing. Really suits you". The guy looks around, can't see anyone anywhere near him. "Have you lost weight? What's your secret?". Again he looks around, can't see anyone. "I like your hair, really brings out your masculine side". This time the guy looks down, and notices the voice is coming from a bowl of peanuts on the bar. Understandably freaked out, the guy gets up and heads towards the bathroom to compose himself. Halfway there he hears another voice - "I saw your wife in here last night, fuck me she's ugly. Did you catch her on safari or what?". Enraged the guy looks around, but sees no one within ear shot. "Are you blind as well as stupid? About your wife though, I still hit that. Guess your fat-ass kids really tore that turf up on the way out huh?". Incensed, the guy looks all around and then realises that the voice is coming from a cigarette dispenser on the wall! Utterly baffled he staggers back to the bar and catches the bartenders eye. "Just what in the hell is going on here?!" he demands. "Well," says the bartender, "the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order".
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old crow
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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by old crow »

girl i know, when people tell her she looks good she says "yeah, musta been that abortion i had!" not much of a joke, but some people think it's funny

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Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Wingman »

old crow wrote:girl i know, when people tell her she looks good she says "yeah, musta been that abortion i had!" not much of a joke, but some people think it's funny
that's a funny girl. gallows humor is the best.

an irishman walks out of a pub...no, it could happen!
Stupid should hurt.

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JohnnyT

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by JohnnyT »

What's the best part about being 36?
















Banging broads half your age and not going to jail for it.

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