SNL

[Hossasaurus Wrecked]

This one is from Bill Hader as Peter O'Toole with a comment on media figures using alcoholism as an excuse for their behavior:

"A-ha! Seth, Amy, ‘tis I – Peter O’Toole! Over the years, I have obtained some notoriety as one who will, from time to time, enjoy a cocktail...or a hundred cocktails. For my behavior I have been rewarded with the present title: alcoholic. A high honor indeed. A toast, to me! Now this putrid silly congressman from Florida, this Mark Foley ( a pox on him!) calling himself an alcoholic when, in fact, the man is just pervy little creep. In my most heroic and glorious drunkenness I have never dreamed of diddling the doinks of young boys. I have soiled myself; I have soiled my friends, and I have passed out cold in many an unsavory lavatory. For which, I am very proud. But I am not a pervert! I’m a drunk! I drink! I talk too loud! I knock stuff over! One time, when I was sensationally drunk, Albert Finny and I stole a train! That’s the kind of fun we alcoholics like to have, eh?

Mel Gibson can say he’s an alcoholic. But we all know he’s just a racist. I am not a racist. I have spent many a night in a many a bathtub. I have wandered the streets at night without my trousers. I once borrowed a circus elephant and took it to a dance. All this because I was an alcoholic – a rich and wonderful tradition – not to be confused with racism or perversion. Thank you, Seth, Amy, I’d love to talk more, but as you can see, this is my stop!"

[Mallory Knox]

I JUST watched that last night.
TIVO has good taste.

[Oggar]

Beautiful!!!

Apparently I once almost fought an elephant while drunk... Friends don't let friend fight elephants though, so I'm glad they were there.

[Jaime]

I lost my elephant two days ago.

[Rowdydrunk79]

Once tried to steal a train once but they're hard to hotwire.

[Hossasaurus Wrecked]

Gotta love those MacGruber skits

Situation: Booby Trapped Bridge, MacGruber is trapped in a room with two chicks

Casey: Holy smoke MacGruber, there's no way out!

April: That's not our only problem, MacGruber: that dirty bomb is gonna detonate in 15 seconds!

MacGruber: Alright, everyone keep it together. If we're gonna get out of here, and we are gonna get out of here, we need to focus up!

A: 10 seconds!

C: What do we do MacGruber?

McG: Casey, hand me that beaker

C: You got it MacGruber!

McG: April, I need exactly four ounces of tomato juice

A: I'm on it MacGruber

McG: Hand me that celery

A: Celery, check!

McG: Ok, does anybody see any Tobasco sauce?

C: <Looking around> Uh... MacGruber, are you making a drink?

McG: <taking a drink out of beaker full of bloody mary and a bottle of vodka in the other hand> What's up?

<Bridge explodes>

MacGruber!

[Diabetic Daredevil]

Thank you Soooooo Soooooo much. That MacGruber shit is friggin' awesome. Thanks again.