The Maxims of Manhood

[yetiMonster]

Straight out of the book by Jeff Wilser:

"Maxim #9: Celebrate Birthdays like you celebrate Tuesdays." (And as any drunkard knows, Tuesdays seem to last forever.)

"Maxim #37: No straws, cherries, or umbrellas."
In this section: "Ordering Chamagne - especially when unexpected - adds panache to any Tuesday."

"Maxim #46: Spend more on beer than you do on haircuts" (Done and Done).

"Maxim #53: Underdrink the boss." (*cough* BULLSHIT *cough*)
In this section: "This really is part of a larger, more expansive rule: You shouldn't get noticed for being drunk."

"Maxim #63: Know how to chug a beer. Know not to." (Yeah, why rush a good thing? Oh yeah, 'cuz you CAN when there's more.)
In this section:
- "You must know how to slam a shot and do it without blanching. Like Marion from Raiders of the Lost Ark, you can knock back your glass,
keep a straight face, and hold steady eye contact as if you didn't just swallow draino."
- "Why can't we drink Kool-Aid? Because if the bar sold kerosene you'd drink that too. In fact, they do: it's called absinthe. And you like it."
- "Liquor is like cold-medicine -- it's only effective when intolerable."
- "Your body needs this semiregular test of virility. It's healthy. If your body can withstand the punishment of 180-proof liquor coursing through
your blood, it means you're in peak condition. You're strong. Hardy. Just like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas."
- "You can't test virility with sugar. You must test it with poison."

And then the author sobers out for the rest of the book. Asshat. In the last drinking-related maxim, #70, he goes as far as to praise non-drinkers as
good bartenders.
"If you don't drink, no one expects you to be a magician behind the bar. That being said... if you don't drink, you get even more points for
cocktail wizardry. Think Sam Malone from Cheers."

Too bad, too. He started out so well.

[yetiMonster]

Hahaha I forgot to read his bio on the back:

"Jeff Wilser ........ A former USMC Reserves squad leader, Wilser has been a regular online contributor to sites like GQ, MTV, and VH1, ..."

Well. That explains a lot.

[Wingman]

fuck you, jeff, i'll do what i want. and if you want to make a big deal about it, come here and we'll talk about it man-to-man. if you weren't a marine, i'd call you a fucking pansy.

[Negromancer]

What a disgrace!

And regarding military men: Even with as much respect I personally have for the military: The only two people I know in this country with a military career are both pansy-assed douchebags.

[Ozz]

I hate Sam Malone, and woody and the slut, and fatass norm,

cliff on the other hand, well...

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."