Girlfriend: My mom takes a lot of pride in her recipe for Italian icing.
*After eating some cake with said icing*
Girlfriend's Mother: So Rooster, how do you like it? I bought the cake from the grocery store.
Me: The cake is delicious, but the icing? Eh... I don't know.
Girlfriend: *groan*
Girlfriend's Mother: You're an asshole.
Me: I'd like to think it's one of my more endearing qualities...
Girlfriend: I would rather deposit the money in your bank account.
Me: Because I'm frivolous, like a shoe-buying woman?
Girlfriend: At least you can admit to being frivolous. You'll just spend it on booze and cigarettes.
Girlfriend: What do you think about me moving in for a month while I'm between jobs?
Me: *pause*
Girlfriend: You'll get all of the booze and sex that you want...
Me: Why don't we just make that a permanent arrangement?
Girlfriend: Oh my god! I can't believe you said that! I'm so happy! Of course I'll move in with you!!!!!
Me: *pause*
Me: I meant the part about the booze and the sex.
*While my 90 lbs, 4'10" girlfriend is carrying my 160lbs, 5'10" limp body back, piggy-back, from the bar*
Girlfriend: I can't believe I put up with you...
Me: Just think of yourself as a tow-truck for a whiskey-powered sex machine.
*Dumps me in the gutter*
Girlfriend: Call AAA, this "tow-truck" wasn't built for station-wagons.
Me: I think I'm going to pursue a law degree...
Girlfriend: Why?
Me: So I can drink all day and have a 6' tall, redheaded, ex-stripper paralegal do all of my work while I'm working on some scotch.
Girlfriend: No chance in hell. You'll just spend all day drinking and fucking her.
Me: You are absolutely incorrect. I will not spend ALL day drinking and fucking her. Do you know how expensive paralegals are?
A Collection Of Drunken Quotes With My Girlfriend
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