the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

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lanshan75
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Re: the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

Post by lanshan75 » Thu May 17, 2012 9:25 pm

Hello,everybody,I am just a new member of this forum,I want to make more friends here,I hope you can like me.

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Patchez
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Re: the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

Post by Patchez » Mon Jul 23, 2012 8:18 am

Thank God you got here, buy me a shot of Evan and a bottle of National Bohemian!

Oh and I also really need WoW gold, somebody looted all the gold out of the guilds bank vaults.
Now you're ready for some anti-dry-otics!-BeerMakesMeSmarter

If worms had daggers, birds wouldn't fuck with them-Todd Snider

Blackout and be extraordinary-Absinthe of Malice

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Re: the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

Post by Oggar » Thu Mar 07, 2013 12:00 pm

From drink planner

Guys, I hate to say it…but a lot of you are letting me down. More importantly, you’re letting yourselves and your gender down. Every time I go out to a bar and I see a guy with a purple or pink shot in their hand, a small part of Burt Reynolds’s mustache dies.

When I venture out to a restaurant and I see a man with a martini that is any other color than clear, I am forced to say a small weeping prayer for the future of mankind. Now I don’t mean to turn this into a post strictly directed at guys, because ladies…this is of the utmost importance to you too. What a person drinks says quite a bit about who they are, and if the man at your side prefers drinks with umbrellas over ones with whiskey, well…you’ve got some serious decisions to make. So without further ado, I present:

1. Thou Shalt Learn to Enjoy Whisk(e)y - Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink shall heretofore be your best buddy. You can start by mixing with soda at first to ween yourself into it if you need to (Jim Beam and Coke is a perfectly acceptable manly drink), but at some point you’re going to have to learn to drink the stuff on its own. It’s a complex, mysterious and brooding spirit, which are not coincidentally three things you as a man should also strive to be. This commandment is the most important, and the hardest to get through, which is why it’s first. If you can master the ways of Daniels, Walker, Dickel, Jameson and Glenlivet…the rest of this should be cake.

2. There is No Such Thing as a “Chocolate Martini” - This has been said elsewhere many a time before, but it bears repeating. The only things that should be in a martini are gin (or a quality vodka), vermouth, and garnish like an olive or onion. Anything else, and you’ve made a grave mistake punishable by a lifetime of Grey’s Anatomy reruns.

3. Thou Shalt Not Drink a Frozen Drink - The ONLY exception to this is if you’re at the beach or on a cruise. Otherwise, stick to hunks of ice or chilled mugs to cool your drink. Alcohol is not meant to be drunk in smoothie form.

4. Thou Shalt Not Consume Drinks With Idiotic Gimmicky Names Meant to Cover Up How Girly They Are - So help me God, if I see any of you jackasses out there with a Sex on the Beach or a Screw Me Blue in your hands, I’ll slap it to the ground and eat your worthless soul so fast you’ll truly come to appreciate the phrase “life flashed before my eyes” like never before. You’re not fooling anyone. Just because peach schnapps has some alcohol in it does not qualify it as an alcoholic beverage. It has its place in the great wide world of booze, but mixed up with 18 other fruit-flavored alcohols and garnished with a paper umbrella and stupid name ain’t it.

5. Thou Shalt Learn to Appreciate All Forms of Beer - If Natty Light, Keystone and Coors are your idea of what beer is and is meant to be, you’re living your drinking-life like that of a child in sub-Saharan Africa. Bring that inner impoverished child into the “civilized” world and open your dry crusty wind-chapped eyes to the world of ambers, stouts, saisons, hefeweissens and the multitude of heavenly hops-angels just waiting to surround you and give you a glimpse of the Promised Land. While you’re still getting over your silly stigma that Guinness is a “heavy” beer and cringing at the thought of a slice of lemon in your Hoegaarden, the rest of us will be happily melting our brains away into oblivion. With the superhot hops-angels, of course.

6. No Worthwhile Woman Will Ever Be Impressed With How Much You Can Drink - Being able to funnel six beers at once or taking down an entire fifth of rum in one night may impress the shit out of your buddies, but no quality woman on earth will give a damn about how much you can drink. For that matter it’s really not worth even trying, as trying and failing will produce far more disgusting consequences than you ever bargained on. Let it be known: while some refer to alcohol as “Liquid Panty Remover”, puke is far better known as “Liquid Loneliness”.

7. It’s More Than Okay to Drink Wine - Knowing the name of a few good Cabernets and Pinot Noirs is a highly valuable thing. Inevitably in your life you’ll need to go to expensive restaurants for anniversaries, birthdays, and pet funerals… and knowing what’s good vs. what tastes like grape-flavored vinegar not only makes you look smart and sophisticated, but saves you from drinking grapes that taste like they were fermented in horseshit. Become familiar with the ins-and-outs of a few wines, and the impression you’ll make will be well worth it. Being labeled as “cultured” is never a bad thing…being labeled as “ignorant” always is.

8. It’s Worth it to Learn the Rules and Traditions of the Drinking World Before You Go Out Into the Wild (and Make an Ass Out of Yourself) - Pro Tip: When drinking one of the aforementioned obligatory wines at one of the aforementioned stuffy and overpriced restaurants, do not sniff the cork. Check it for mold or odd discoloration, and then put it down…but do not sniff it like a damned country bumpkin. Pro Tip 2: Do not make a big show of popping the cork off a bottle of champagne. Hold a cloth or towel over the cork and catch it before it shoots into the ceiling. It’s the grown-up thing to do. There are a thousand small rules like these (or maybe “customs” is a better word?) surrounding the booze-life that knowing can be the difference between you looking like a showboating know-nothing jackass, or a refined gentleman of great taste and culture. The two mentioned here are a start, but take the time to learn what separates grown men from the forever-frat-boys and you’ll be more than a few steps ahead.

null

9. The Way You Treat Bartenders and Waitstaff Says More About You Than You Know - I don’t mean to get all Jesus-y on you guys, but as the Good Book says, “That which you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto me.” And I can tell you, that’s exactly how a woman or prospective business associate will see it. Snapping, clapping, yelling, whistling or just general rudeness to someone waiting on you are a sure sign to anyone in your company that if they spend enough time around you, you’ll eventually treat them with the same selfish nonchalance and disdain that you treat those who are paid to be nice to you. And for crying out loud, TIP WELL. You have no idea how far this can take you.

10. Any Free Drink is a Good Drink - I know, this seemingly negates some of the previous rules, but hear me out. Not even mentioning the many economical reasons that you should never ever in your life turn down a free drink when offered to you (which essentially boil down to: YOU’RE NOT BUYING IT AND IT’S NOT POISON, SO WHO CARES!?!), it’s just plain RUDE to turn down a shot or drink purchased by someone else for you (unless it is, in fact, poison). They’ve not only put down their hard-earned dollar to buy you a taste of the good life, but they’ve also taken the social gamble of saying “Hey, this is a person who deserves a drink for saving babies/stopping (evil) moving trains/kicking my ass in Guitar Hero, and by golly…I’m going to buy them a beverage in public to show the world how noteworthy their accomplishment is!” That’s quite simply a proposition you can’t say no to. If you do, you’re a dick.

Much like the Bible, there are many more minor rules to the world of drinking, but these are the Big 10, the ones that in a general sense should guide you throughout your journey through this magical world of booze and keep you from temptation and harm. It’s a cold and frightening world out there, but by following these simple rules you definitely have a better chance of emerging unscathed.
I can't write like Papa, you know I just ain't able
But if he came in here tonight, I'd drink him under the table -Ronny Elliott

RIP Mayhem, as long as I have a heart you are in it.

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Re: the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Thu Mar 07, 2013 12:07 pm

Hmmm...Not exactly plagarism but certainly "inspired by"...
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
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Re: the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

Post by Wingman » Thu Mar 14, 2013 7:15 pm

Patchez wrote:somebody looted all the gold out of the guilds bank vaults.
nobody saw nothin'!
Stupid should hurt.

"We're better than mere people, we're DRUNKARDS."
--ThirstyDrunk

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Re: the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

Post by mistah willies » Thu Mar 14, 2013 9:08 pm

PFrank wrote:Looks like the original link is hosed, but I found it here. This really should be require reading for men. I have a new colleague/friend in his early 20s. Nice chap, but holy crap, the unbelievable effeminate drinks he and his buds are into boggle the mind. Something tells me that the syndrome is fairly widespread.
I have this niece who very likely ends up with spit in her food each time she goes out, because she is that person.

You know the one. "I want my chicken breast sauteed with extra extra virgin olive oil and then the fennel roasted, not heated in a skillet..." Etc., ad infinitum.

My Lady (aunt to the poor, misguided lass) and I sat with her at the bar to wait for a table, and I bought a round, and a drink for the bar tender as well. He politely refused, since we were in a chain restaurant (said they didn't allow it and they were watching, nodding at the black ball on the wall behind him).

Poor bastard.

22oz Guinness draft for me, Newcastle for my lady (she breaks my wallet, but I don't care), and a Dreamsicle for our niece. I paid and tipped him quite well for this first round. I figured I would be back at the bar with these two women after our meal, and I should prime the pump, so to speak.



Man, the wait was long, but the conversation was fun, as it is when the lovely Aunt Ethyl comes for a visit.

A second round was in order.

This time, frig it. Two Long Island Iced Teas (five clears with only a tint of color), and a Dreamsicle.

Niece shouts, "Hey, this drink is too strong!"

Dude took it, poured half of it out, and filled it back up with the orange filler.


I guess there are different rules for finicky women and candy men.

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Re: the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Fri Mar 15, 2013 4:22 am

tdcwillies wrote:...Dude took it, poured half of it out, and filled it back up with the orange filler...
You should have done the gentlemanly thing and sucked back half off it, then had the barman top it up. Greater love hath no drunkard than he will lay down his liver for some pantie-waist who can't take their drink too strong. The Gospel of Palinka ch2 v3.
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
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Re: the 10 commandments of drinking like a man

Post by mistah willies » Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:01 am

Palinka wrote: You should have done the gentlemanly thing and sucked back half off it, then had the barman top it up. Greater love hath no drunkard than he will lay down his liver for some pantie-waist who can't take their drink too strong. The Gospel of Palinka ch2 v3.
Indeed.

Alcohol abuse is simply and only the waste of it without the pas of it over the palette.

With my beyond intolerance (hatred?) of the lactose, I would have painted a colorful art in my sheets that night.

The wife would quite agree, and also, not.

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