*****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE*****

That's right. You can put them right here.

Moderators: Badfellow, Mr Boozificator, Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, Judge, oettinger, Oggar

User avatar
Palinka (RIP)
Moderator
Posts: 9793
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2003 7:29 pm
Location: In The Liquor Cabinet

Re: THE CHASIST

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sat Nov 15, 2014 7:48 am

oettinger wrote:I hope you catch this filthy fuck one day,
You`ll need plenty of this:
Image
And X-large versions of these:
Image

But watch out when he goes into his liquid-mode, got any divers in ASS brave enough for the task?
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

User avatar
Palinka (RIP)
Moderator
Posts: 9793
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2003 7:29 pm
Location: In The Liquor Cabinet

Re: THE CHASIST

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sat Nov 15, 2014 7:50 am

booznik wrote:
oettinger wrote:...But watch out when he goes into his liquid-mode, got any divers in ASS brave enough for the task?
Thankfully, we have never seen SqualorMan go into liquid-mode, as he has always maintained ample dietary fiber via the TP that he eats. And lately, he seems to have an inexhaustible supply. It is a fair warning however, that if he were ever deprived of TP, for example by being imprisoned in a holding cell, he could very well fall back on his fail-safe liquid-mode power* in order to escape. This will definitely need to be taken into account in the event of his capture.

*Research Division refer to this confirmed ability as "Dire Diarr", "Directive 2-D", or more jocularly, "Splatter N' Scatter".
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

User avatar
Palinka (RIP)
Moderator
Posts: 9793
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2003 7:29 pm
Location: In The Liquor Cabinet

Re: SqualorMan

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sat Nov 15, 2014 8:23 am

booznik wrote:I am intrigued by the weaponized TP idea.

If we sent SqualorMan on a trip, what could go wrong?

Image

Cheers, and please continue to pass on all information about the SqualorMan saga, for it is now reaching epic proportions. My only fear is that we may need to self-destruct it, should the inevitable Hollywood film deals come into play. SqualorMan on the big screen could easily destroy most of the world's population, especially now that Smell-o-Vision is a real thing.
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

User avatar
Palinka (RIP)
Moderator
Posts: 9793
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2003 7:29 pm
Location: In The Liquor Cabinet

Re: SqualorMan

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sat Nov 15, 2014 8:27 am

Mr.Viking wrote:potential squalorman sighting. Everton. Exploded outhouse followed by a dark figure scuttling towards the main sewer. Pictures hopefully to follow when the reporter stops heaving.
booznik wrote:Thank you, Agent TableSmasher.

A review of the relevant surveillance footage reveals that it was just a bloke who had 8 pints, and then bragged that he could eat the spiciest curry they could make him.

We must still all remain vigilant. "Anytime, Anywhere, Any Number of Sheets" is our enemy's motto.

-Sgt. B.
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

User avatar
Palinka (RIP)
Moderator
Posts: 9793
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2003 7:29 pm
Location: In The Liquor Cabinet

Re: SqualorMan

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sat Nov 15, 2014 8:34 am

New Member Update


From: Assistant Deputy Director, ASS

To: All Team Leaders, Worldwide ASS

Thank you for that pep-talk, Sgt boozNik Fury,

I wanted to notify you of a new edition to the ASS team. Young Bur has bravely volunteered to cover the Northern European Boarders.

This is my reply to his offer:
" As one of the EuroDrunkardists, you will be a vital Agent of ASS, in the ongoing fight against SqualorMan. To this end, you are hereby awarded the ASS Rank of Staff Sergeant. As part of your new duties, you should always use your powers wisely, protect your supply of toilet paper, be on the lookout for anything lurking in your plumbing (or sewerage system) and maintain your personal hygiene at all times!
Welcome to the fight against SqualorMan and his cohorts. Make us proud."

Now, although he now holds the ASS Rank of Staff Sgt, this should not be taken to mean that he out ASS ranks Sgt boozNik Fury, who's full Rank ASS is Col. Sgt b. Nik Fury, and whom has complete control of the Howling-Suppository Going-Commandos. Whilst Dr WilliesManhatten will continue to head up the Scientific Division and R & R (Research & Rear-Ends). Agent TableSmasher will remain our Chief of ASS Surveillance and Head of Training at our Chalfont Training Facility/Centre.

Keep checking your comms units, as we expect some exciting new developments in the area of poisoned arse-wipe (we have it down to a 77% mortality rate amongst users).

Guys and Gals, we expect to win this fight. So let's get to it.

And...hey...let's be hygienic out there!
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

User avatar
booznik
King Cockeyed
King Cockeyed
Posts: 1545
Joined: Sat May 03, 2014 2:29 pm
Location: People's Republic of SoCal

Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by booznik » Sat Nov 15, 2014 2:40 pm

ASS – Official Business

To: Superhero Division
From: Nik “booz” Fury, Janitor First Class
CC: P.!
Subject: Late-breaking squalor

Team,

First off, a warm welcome to our latest agent and superhero, Staff Sgt. Bur. For those who don’t know, amongst his other talents, Sgt. Bur is a certified Grandmaster in the art of Hangover-kwon-do. Using his morning-after mastery, he can easily fool weak-minded Squalor-Minions into believing that he is one of their own, while on the inside being smooth, classy, and manatee-like. This will no doubt be highly useful to us in future operations. Welcome aboard, Sgt.

Incidentally, some of you have noticed that my name and rank have been changing at random. This is an effort to ward off SqualorMan’s eavesdropping efforts that are known to be targeting me specifically. Research Division has supplied me with an experimental rotating name-changer in an effort to combat this. Effectiveness studies are ongoing.

On to the briefing. I am pleased to report that Operation Carrion, the aerial surveillance effort involving the intrepid and fearless Dr. Williesmanhattan, was a complete success. Utilizing vision enhancement technology of his own design (which he reportedly cobbled together after watching the film “Predator”), Dr. W was able to spot and magnetically retrieve a metal briefcase being carried by one of SqualorMan’s henchmenwomen. The concerning news that SqualorMan has transvestites in his employ is secondary to the valuable intel retrieved.

Intelligence Division are currently processing the contents of the briefcase, and some of the material has already been designated for the Director’s eyes only (consider that the next time you covet his job position). Reportedly, one I-Division technician required a safety eyewash and brainwash from the agency doctor after discovering the material. Please keep in mind the dedication of our Director, who holds a security clearance seven levels above Top Secret Squalor. He’s seen (and smelled) things you people wouldn’t believe.

Three items of interest have been approved for release to agents holding a security clearance of Somewhat Secret Squalor or higher, which includes all of you:

1) Documents contained within the briefcase, once cleaned of used toilet paper residue by the HAZMAT response team, reveal that the organization we originally codenamed SqualorGang is in fact more sophisticated than previously known. SqualorGang is our nickname for the elite division, headed by SqualorMan himself, but S.Q.U.A.L.O.R. is apparently the term for the worldwide organization. I-Division are now attempting to discover what this acronym stands for. We have also retrieved the parent organization’s logo (Attachment 1).

2) Apparently, there exist within S.Q.U.A.L.O.R. officially-numbered “double-T agents”, who do not fall under the traditional meaning of the term double agent. Instead, a S.Q.U.A.L.O.R. TT agent is a man dressing as a woman dressing as a man, or vice-versa. The extent or purpose of these agents is not yet clear. Some supporting documents suggest that these agents may be licensed to kill.

3) There may exist a Kryptonite-like substance which could, in theory, temporarily rob SqualorMan of his superpowers, including his ability to travel via the world-wide underground sewer network and erupt from chosen toilet-stations. However, that is only conjecture at this point. We have no other information about this photograph (Attachment 2) found in the briefcase, other than it was clipped to a note reading “PRIORITY THREAT”.

Stay vigilant, stay safe, and if you don’t number your sheets, at least mark the roll-level discreetly. Only you can stop S.Q.U.A.L.O.R. from spreading.

-Lt. General Sir Noozbik Furious III

Att 1:
Image

Att 2:

Image

Note: We at ASS have nothing against transvestites, in fact, some of our best friends are transvestites; it’s just that they’re more difficult to compile dossiers on.
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur

"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow

"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies

"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo

Image

User avatar
Palinka (RIP)
Moderator
Posts: 9793
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2003 7:29 pm
Location: In The Liquor Cabinet

Re: THE CHASIST

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sun Nov 16, 2014 4:41 pm

booznik wrote:Those stakes are high!

ARRRRRRRRRR

Admiral Willies and Grand-Admiral Palinka...
That's certainly a good plan...

On the other-hand, we could just stakeout a staked out certain "Russian buddy's "sister"" (alluringly draped with rotting offal), alongside an aged computer, balanced atop a pile of soiled underwear,surgically amputated buttocks, greased-up naked mole-rats, used bum-wad, roadkill, second-hand porn, vodka & lemon and the aborted (or miscarried) foetuses of endangered spirits (and any other things that the BAU can come up with as "turn-ons" for SqualorMan). Of course, all of our marksmen will be inside 205mm (8inch) thick steel boxes (with mason jars, disinfection wipes, air-freshener, hot, cold and alcoholic drink and any other things to make such a high-risk task, bearable) and titanium underwear with a combination lock (with the combination lock release code printed upon on rice-paper, in case of emergencies, plus gas masks and full hazmat suits, just in case - this has to be a "Belt and Braces" operation, people; SqualorMan is getting through our ASS Agents like they were hors d'ouevres ). Any ideas, suggestions or alternative plans should be sent to Col. Sgt. B. Nik Fury, where it will be gratefully received before being cross-cut-shredded and then thrown into the burner.

In the meantime, stay safe, stay indoors and above all stay hygienic.

Joshua Nutsack Toadsqueezer-Rugmuncher (Gen Sec, ASS)

On Behalf Of,

P. L. Morningstar, Acting Director, ASS (Anti Squalor Squad)
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

User avatar
booznik
King Cockeyed
King Cockeyed
Posts: 1545
Joined: Sat May 03, 2014 2:29 pm
Location: People's Republic of SoCal

Re: THE CHASIST

Post by booznik » Sun Nov 16, 2014 5:15 pm

Godsdammit!

- "Russian buddy's ""sister"" (alluringly draped with rotting offal)

- an aged computer

- a pile of soiled underwear

- surgically amputated buttocks

- greased-up naked mole-rats

- used bum-wad

- roadkill

- second-hand porn

- vodka & lemon

- the aborted (or miscarried) foetuses of endangered spirits

I tried to warn everyone! Listen to me, I live here! These items are extremely attractive to Hollywood film executives, who believe they can make millions with SqualorMan: The Film.*

I have currently blocked the door to *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***** with as much furniture as I can find, but a certain Agent has destroyed most of it. If the Hollywood agents get in, we're doomed!

*In 4D, with Smell-o-Vision and Squalor-Simulating Seats... ye gods...
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur

"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow

"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies

"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo

Image

User avatar
Palinka (RIP)
Moderator
Posts: 9793
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2003 7:29 pm
Location: In The Liquor Cabinet

Re: THE CHASIST

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sun Nov 16, 2014 8:03 pm

booznik wrote:...These items are extremely attractive to Hollywood film executives, who believe they can make millions with SqualorMan: The Film...[/size]
Well, the World could stand to lose a few Hollywood film executives, and if it makes it easier to lure SqualorMan into a point of triangulated crossfire, so much the better.
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6462
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

United in the A.S.S.

Post by mistah willies » Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:42 pm

During all of the daring iterations and deviations of desperate and disparate disparagements discussing descriptions of the dislocation from hygienity in the discourse of our human history, we have yet to discover the desolate disarray documented in the furthertomore dialects of our Drunken Diarrhealogue.

To wit:

Among our fallen brothers, we found a new saint of allegiance. It was the Roach of Cock, and he was from that dirty part of Russia that nobody in their right mind would ever fight.

Of course, we were not in our right minds. We were in the other direction.

We were in our left minds.

The left brain involves intuit via intelligence interspersed intermittently inside inebriated insight, integral in The Bottle.

Do ya ken: ethyl alcohol cleans the mind as it disinfects the squalor that may encumber the pursuit of the Mighty Drunkard to the Holy Grail: The Isle of Black.

We would cleanse our minds and our hands and our clothing by Draaanking, washing our hands with expellations, and dousing ourselves with spillage and such as we carried our bottles with arms raised and drips running down to the elbows and the pits, as we charged forth like villagers with torches.

Our torch light was, in that instance, and will always be: Our Molotov Cocktails.

You can thank the Russian for that Draaaank.

Now rally, we did, as we Sallied forth. And Sally, well, she was a good lass, but more in her in a moment. Sally? Have you run off to bed?

Shiite...

she was a bit of a cat.

Meow.

Wait, a fish.

Wait. A cat. Kathleen?

She's run off


Fuck it, I’m a bottle, man


Where was I?


*hiccup*


.
Can we drink now? ---peetie44
At rock bottom, there is no down. ---The Oett
^ ^ ^ Yes his entire cutlery set and all utensils are made from assorted broken bottles.--- The Artful Detective
Just remember Hugh: a good cocktail in a shitty glass is better that a shitty cocktail in a pretty glass.---The Badfellow
I'll buy the first round if you promise to stop being a cunt. --- Dear Booze

User avatar
oettinger
Ripped Like Reed
Ripped Like Reed
Posts: 9800
Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2013 10:23 am

Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by oettinger » Fri Nov 21, 2014 12:24 pm

I still wonder who`s hiding behind that diarrhea-drenching-mask of un-spruceness.
Last things I was told were
- SM was teaming up with IS to "spice" ebola up a notch
- was called by aliens to plug a toilet sized blackhole that`s threatening their homeplanet called "butterfly-fragrance"
- was last seen in siberia with some raunchy looking russians, one ugly little guy and his damn hot sister

To all agents of ASS, wipe your asses clean and get your probes going, he is out there!
I do not remember posting that ^^^
Image

User avatar
Palinka (RIP)
Moderator
Posts: 9793
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2003 7:29 pm
Location: In The Liquor Cabinet

Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sat Nov 22, 2014 12:45 am

Hold me! I'm scared!
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
ImageImage

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6462
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by mistah willies » Sat Nov 22, 2014 12:15 pm

Don't give up! We have many chapters to explore.

There are the porta-potty pages to ponder, the chamber chunk chapters to consider, and let's not forget the lorry loo links to lament!

User avatar
booznik
King Cockeyed
King Cockeyed
Posts: 1545
Joined: Sat May 03, 2014 2:29 pm
Location: People's Republic of SoCal

Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by booznik » Sun Nov 23, 2014 12:23 pm

ASS - Official Monkey Business

To: Superhero Division
From: Snu Z. Bisnik, Parking Attendant
CC: P.!
Subject: The usual, only more so
Priority: High

Gentlemen,

An advanced-technology Squalor Sensor developed by R-Division and planted in a public toilet by one of our fellow Agents has just sent an alert in Cologne, Germany. Although no camera was present at the location, we believe this may be SqualorMan himself. There was, however, a hidden microphone. After analyzing the recording, R-Division have determined that the noises following the subject (believed to be SqualorMan) belong to a chimpanzee, orangutan, or gibbon.

SqualorMan may be on the loose in Cologne, and if so, he is chimped and dangerous. I am deploying every available Agent to the region. The use of excessive cartoon violence in the apprehension of SqualorMan has been approved. Take whatever agency-issued Acme items you can fit into your checked luggage, to include large mallets, anvils, and bundles of TNT (if you can get those through security by displaying your ASS credentials).

If you determine that SqualorMan has fled the region and the trail has gone cold, feel free to check out the museums. And for god's sake, don't order an Altbier unless you want to be mocked and humiliated. Trust me, ask for a Kölsch instead. Also, keep an eye out for that monkey. If we can capture it, we'll attempt to interrogate with the help of a monkey-to-English translator and the agency zookeeper.

Stay hygienic, stay safe, and MEEP-MEEP.

- Ex-King Booz of Albania
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur

"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow

"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies

"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo

Image

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6462
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by mistah willies » Sun Nov 23, 2014 12:48 pm

To: A.S.S. Command, Deep Mountain Plunge

From: Dr. Willies, Manhattan Laboratories

CC: Doggo Agents

Subject: S.Q.U.A.L.O.R. Tactics
____________________________

Gentlemen, it has been determined that the ability to utilize the sewer systems of the world is an age-old mechanism, simply modified by S.M. for their own nefarious purposes.

The technology was created in the Far North, by a jolly old elf. It has since been stolen, and because of this, diametric logic modeling has revealed a hint of an even more insidious plan.

Indeed, the world may soon awaken one fine winter morning to discover gifts under their trees that may hold a most unpleasant surprise.

Manhattan Labs awaiting further directives.

---Dr. Willies: out

Post Reply