Here's a preview from the forthcoming documentary The Squalor Files: Secrets and Truths Revealed
There have been many unexplained phenomenon over the years, but none have quite captured the public imagination like the mystery surrounding the Squalor Man. Who is the Squalor Man? Where did he come from? Why is he here? And is the Squalor Man perhaps part of some greater conspiracy linking toilet paper manufacturers, global warming and the Tri-Lateral Commission to involvement with neo-Xenuist extraterrestrial forces? In the course of our investigations, we will attempt to answer these questions and many more as we uncover inscrutable secrets and delve into the intrigue of The Squalor Files.
It's 6 AM sharp...
Dr. Wilhelm McKraken has his first liter of rum for the day as he fires up his database and gets to work. He is the preeminent authority on the Squalor Man and squalor related anomalies. McKracken was the first to successfully collect samples of pure squalor material, and he was the first to isolate DNA evidence indicating that the Squalor Man was not inbred or mentally deficient as expected, merely drunk and lazy. In his database, Dr. McKraken maintains millions of giggidy-goos worth of compiled data including eyewitness accounts, newspaper articles, photos and government documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act.
Here, Dr. McKracken provides a most interesting and rather telling transcript from a debriefing held between a senior military forensics technician and the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files:
“The scene was a balls-up. We were suited up in full hazmat with closed respirators, and you could still smell the stench coming through. Oh, the horror. Anyway, we went in to perform analysis on the splatter patterns and to try and pull a ballistics match on some of the solid stuff. There was shit everywhere. It looked like someone loaded a 155mm howitzer with a Sunday morning dump and fired it against the wall at close range. I mean, who shits in a shower? I've been at this job for thirty years and I've pretty much seen it all. But this sort of thing makes you question your sanity.
Dr. McKraken points to this and other compelling evidence, suggesting that most of the leading theories regarding the identity of the Squalor Man may well be mistaken. He also raises a very disturbing possibility.
“What if it is not a Squalor Man with which we're dealing,” says McKracken. “But rather Squalor Men
. I shudder to think it.”
McKraken points to population and evolutionary projections from his Commodore 64 workstation, citing that within 20 years, the Squalor Man might feasibly become a presidential candidate, and that within 200 years a race of shower-shitting Squalor Men could even come to dominate the earth. In this grim future, gangs of Squalor Men will roam the wastelands fighting each other over the last precious resources of beer and toilet paper with Wal Mart being the primary political institution. Squalor Babies would be produced at an alarming rate by the Queen Octo-Mom.
(fig.1) Artist conception of the Squalor Man performing a mating dance. The filling of pants with shit is thought to be a form of courting gesture.