Places not to get coffee

[Badfellow]

AA meetings.

Hey buddy, you got a dead drunk in there?

[Artful Drunktective]

^ ^ ^Sounds like a line from "Robocop".

[Artful Drunktective]

We have a Nutri-Matic drinks dispenser at my new job. It's wonderful.
Every time I walk up to the thing and press the button for 'coffee', it extends invisible probes, made from alien alloy, that check my mood, blood pressure, past experiences, current attitude, and compiles all this data into a flavor profile that is custom designed to go down well.
Nobody knows why it does this, because every damn time, it invariably produces a hot dark brown liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike coffee.

Flavor profile! Nice! Do you watch a lot of Food Network? Maybe the fake coffee sucked but was the Nutri-Matic successful in determining your current attitude?

[Patchez]

We have a Nutri-Matic drinks dispenser at my new job. It's wonderful.
Every time I walk up to the thing and press the button for 'coffee', it extends invisible probes, made from alien alloy, that check my mood, blood pressure, past experiences, current attitude, and compiles all this data into a flavor profile that is custom designed to go down well.
Nobody knows why it does this, because every damn time, it invariably produces a hot dark brown liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike coffee.

Flavor profile! Nice! Do you watch a lot of Food Network? Maybe the fake coffee sucked but was the Nutri-Matic successful in determining your current attitude?

If the Nutri-Matic worked it would have given him booze.

[Artful Drunktective]

TOTALLY! Nutri-matic booze maker!

[Badfellow]

Do not get coffee at Tim Horton's, eh.

Canada is evil and they intend to invade America. Watered down coffee and shitty jelly doughnuts are only the first step in the Canadianization of the entire globe.

[waahoohah]

So. I went down to the Spice Merchant this afternoon and I bought a half pound of a blend called, I kid you not, "tanker fuel".
...
Tomorrow should be fun.

[oettinger]

That hot vomit they sold at the university is up there with the best of 'em. Why was that place even called "cafeteria" and not the way more appropriate "diarrheatry"

[waahoohah]

UPDATE: Tanker fuel? A nice blend. Mild on a first approach, but oh so willing to punch you back when you get cocky.

These guys. Good shit:
http://www.spicemerchant.com/cgi-bin/store/commerce.cgi

[waahoohah]

You know what? I just realized I fucked this thread all up. This is a horrible, terrible, not good, very bad, road tar drink with a fork coffee thread.

And I came in with my favorite spot.

I am truly sorry.

To atone for my idiocy, I would like to share with you all the Story of the Miller Warehouse.

I worked for a beer distributor something like a decade ago. If you think that this job would attract an above average share of drunks, well, we did a lot more than that. During my time there, we had a sales guy get a DUI in a company van during business hours. And nobody was shocked, and somehow, the shit managed to keep his job. Our third shift manager got fired for sighting in his bow by firing at bales of cardboard. On the clock. In the warehouse. His replacement was a huge fan of meth. It was an upgrade. An interesting place to work.

So, when I started there, I was a day shift warehouse flunky. My tour of the place included the drive through warehouse where the trucks were loaded, the cold warehouse where the beer was stored, the breakage room, where intact beers from damaged packages were repackaged, the "break room", a lean-to in the drive through warehouse where the drivers did their shit, The time clock, and the "real" break room, where the coffee was.

I use the word "coffee" liberally. It was black. It was hot. It tasted NOTHING like coffee. Imagine licking asphalt. Now, shit on it, and come back for more. Wait! Before you lick that pile, SET IT ON FIRE!

If this pot had EVER been cleaned, it had been done by an exorcist.

It was intolerable. After a couple weeks of drinking asstar, I ran up the road to the nearest goodwill. I spent three bucks on a Procter-Silex Dispose-a-maker.

I set the thing up in the breakage room. Fed the damn thing Maxwell House. In two weeks, I was the Company Barrista.

[Badfellow]

Good coffee, bad coffee... we just want to hear your tales of delving in the dark, roasted realm of the java bean. In fact, good coffee is preferable to bad. Bonnie drinks the shitty stuff.

[Dear Booze]

Good coffee, bad coffee... we just want to hear your tales of delving in the dark, roasted realm of the java bean. In fact, good coffee is preferable to bad. Bonnie drinks the shitty stuff.

I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it, I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping, she buys shit. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it, I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It ain't the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead nigger in my garage.

[Badfellow]

I generally avoid coffee at Big Kahuna Burger too. Even worse than the generic Sanka they serve at American Chicken Bunker.

[Badfellow]

And why the fuck would you marry Bonnie anyway if she's such an uptight twunt without taste?

[Patchez]

And why the fuck would you marry Bonnie anyway if she's such an uptight twunt without taste?

At least we know why she married him.