*****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE*****

That's right. You can put them right here.

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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sun Nov 23, 2014 1:07 pm

booznik wrote:...Take whatever agency-issued Acme items you can fit into your checked luggage, to include large mallets, anvils, and bundles of TNT...
Re: Operation: "OW_MY_ASS!"
Condition: DRUNK
Danger Level: Kiss your ASS goodbye

Indeed, as Col. Sgt. B. Nik Fury has pointed out, the full range of offensive and defensive materiel will be necessary and will be made available to all A.S.S. Operatives involved in this operation. made available from the Equipment Section (A.S.S.E.S.)

A sample is shown below:

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Offensive Equipment

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Escape Equipment (Type 1 and Type 2)

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Emergency Field Dressings

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Emergency S.O.S. Equipment

Please see your Quartermaster to be fully issued with all the necessary equipment and A.S.S.E.T.S required for this operation.

Signed,

Joshua Nutsack Toadsqueezer-Rugmuncher (A.S.S.istant to the Director),

On Behalf Of,

P. L. Morningstar, Acting Director, ASS (Anti Squalor Squad)
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by booznik » Sun Nov 23, 2014 1:11 pm

mistah willies wrote:To: A.S.S. Command, Deep Mountain Plunge
Dr., this is certainly a revelation. The whole chimney thing was a hoax? If proven true, we'll need to convene a meeting of all the ASSes to get to the bottom of this rabbit hole. SqualorMan has some cheek to be using these tactics.

- Archbishop Nicholas B. Fury
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur

"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow

"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies

"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo

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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by booznik » Sun Nov 23, 2014 5:00 pm

ASS - Official Business

To: Dr. Williesmanhattan, ASS head of Research Division (on permanent simultaneous assignment to Superhero Division)
From: Nooz Furbik, Executive ASSistant to the Director
CC: P.!
Subject: Executive debriefing
Pun Level: Over the top pun (classification PL-OP)

Dr W,

This is just a reminder of the upcoming meeting to determine how we can save our ASS. No ifs, ands, or butts: we are under threat. The enemy has reared its ugly posterior, and the sh-- is about to hit the fan. We need to get somebody to turn off that fan. A plop in place is easier to face.

I know you have been plumbing the depths of the river to determine if ASS bass turds could be weaponized against the enemy, but I believe it is time to give up on the fish poop angle. Defeating S.Q.U.A.L.O.R. will require stronger measures. For starters, we need TP for our bungholes. I have located a potential source at Lake Titicaca, Nicaragua. Our agent, code-named Cornholio, promises a ready supply that will be inedible to our enemies, because it is chemically treated with a classified substance that is rumored to be liquid cleanliness, chemically applied.

At the meeting, we will present a huge dump of new information that might prove useful towards your efforts.

- Lt. Nik Furboozy, Homicide
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur

"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow

"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies

"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo

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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by oettinger » Fri Nov 28, 2014 11:33 am

I just talked to a far eastern siberian tribe`s chief and he told me storys about the so called "Squalor-Ghost" his grand grand grand dad mentioned. It was hiding in hot mammoth dung and was hunting on ancient toilet paper made out of paper-leafs. The mere mention of a so called "Squalor Man" walking made him commit suicide using his rusty harpoon.
The elderly woman in the village started to talk in tongues and were (like christians with the cross) gesturing apparently lemon-clean-fixing themselfes. Trembling it was. The only words I got out of them were: Squalor upon us, brown ice begins... then some fell in a diarrhea kind of coma.

Having a cleaning Kaliskaya now figuring out which agent to send far far far east into the blubbering hot-coldness.
I do not remember posting that ^^^
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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by mistah willies » Fri Nov 28, 2014 3:12 pm

oettinger wrote:... using his rusty harpoon.
That kind of month, huh. Is it similar to a rusty trombone?

Hey never a harsh for the daring soul. Let us charge forth, waving our bloody lances aimed at the soft parts of the ones we face! Charge!

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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by booznik » Fri Nov 28, 2014 4:17 pm

ASS - Official Business
To: All Agents
From: Furi Biknooz, Librarian
CC: P!
Subject: SM BOLO

All Agents: Continue to be on the lookout for SqualorMan in Western Europe. Having eluded us in Cologne, we have a confirmed sighting in the southern town of Freiburg im Breisgau. We fear he may have fled to France or Switzerland via the Squalid Underground Tunnel, aka the Squnnel.

In cooperation with local authorities, an Agent raided the Squalor Cell where SqualorMan was believed to be staying just hours prior to discovery. A concerned citizen passing near the residence detected the distinct odor of somebody indulging in squalor (said to smell “like burning TP”), and called the police. Discovered in the bathroom was a toilet with lid open, an empty pack of Marlboros, 12 cardboard TP tubes without a sheet left on them, a large container of Swarfega, two tubes of Vaseline, a live hamster, shaving cream, electrical tape, and a Highland tartan muumuu. It’s becoming apparent that SqualorMan is tapping the vast international resources of S.Q.U.A.L.O.R. to assist him in his squalor spree.

In addition, there was a fresh bowl of Schwäbischer Kartoffelsalat, which apparently consists of sliced potatoes in oil. The significance of this is currently unknown. A hazardous squalor recovery team equipped with latex gloves and nose-clothespins has confiscated every piece of evidence and sent it to R-Division for analysis.

Keep your eyes (and, should you come in physical contact with SqualorMan, your epidermis) peeled, lads.

- Noozbin Furykatso, 15th Dalai Lama
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur

"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow

"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies

"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo

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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sun Nov 30, 2014 11:01 pm

URGENT UPDATE TO ALL ASS HEADS

We have received some more information regarding one of SqualorMan's senior acolytes.
Please prepare for a large info dump, by clicking here.

It seems sensible to involve A.R.S.E. (Agency for Response to SqualorMan and his Emissions), given the probably closeness of the operations to our Canadian Cousins' Border and their usefulness in any cross-border activities...

OK! WHO SAID "BULLSHIT"...

No-one...? Really...?!?

Col. Sgt B. Nik Fury, please go and find me at least one Agent of A.S.S. who will say "BULLSHIT", when faced with a statement like that.
The rest of you, well the one's that are still alive will be on Extraspecial Training under Lt. Com. ChestHair "Leather Cap, chaps and open vest" Hairy Chesterton; and as a Navy Man, I'm sure that he'll be thorough and that each night you'll crawl, snivelling, into your bunks, like little girls.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand; Dr. Williesmanhattan, ASS head of Research Division (on permanent simultaneous assignment to Superhero Division) will act as liason between A.S.S. and A.R.S.E., Col. Sgt. B. Nik Fury will be Mission Controler with Lt. Com. ChestHair "Leather Cap, chaps and open vest" Hairy Chesterton acting as Mission X.O., Lt (jg) Alouishus Seymour Butts acting as Platoon Leader (not so godsdamned funny beating my Agency Golf Record now, huh?) and Special Agent of A.S.S., Bubba "Hopalong" Landfill to act as Communications Officer (let's try extra hard to put a smile back on those cheeks).

As usual (and apart from those listed above), Col. Sgt, B. Nik Fury will have the traditional right to pick his own A.S.S. for this mission (from any and all ranks below his own, obviously).

Good luck, boys! May booze go with you.

That is all (for now).

P.L. Morningstar (Acting Director A.S.S.)
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by oettinger » Fri Dec 05, 2014 11:33 am

Just in:
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With a note written in what seems to be camel-poo:

"You`ll never catch me in one piece!"

Signed with a rusty tampon, SQ
I do not remember posting that ^^^
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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by booznik » Sat Dec 06, 2014 1:37 pm

***incoming transmission on supposedly-secure A.S.S. line***

IF YOU THINK THAT WAS CAMEL POO, YOUR RESEARCHERS ARE INCOMPETENT AS USUAL

WE HAVE YOUR SO-CALLED BOOZ NICK OR WHATEVER THE HELL HIS NAME IS

HE IS BEING TORTURED HORRIBLY WITH CRAPPY CASTING SHOWS ON A WIDE SCREEN TELEVISION

HE CLAIMS HE WILL NOT TALK, BUT WE HAVE OTHER MEASURES

WE ARE HOLDING HIM SOMEWHERE IN CANADA - GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ARSE THING

WE SAY BULLSHIT

IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR NOOZ BICK ALIVE AGAIN, DIRECTOR, DELIVER 50 CASES OF HIGH-GRADE TOILET PAPER TO THE ADDRESS WRITTEN ON THE 58TH NUMBERED SHEET ON THE ROLL IN YOUR PRIVATE EXECUTIVE BATHROOM

COME ALONE

IF WE DETECT POLICE, JANITORS, OR SANITATION PROFESSIONALS, ZOOB KINC WILL PAY THE PRICE

NO LID CAN STOP US, NOT EVEN YOURS

SQ
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur

"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow

"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies

"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo

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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sun Dec 07, 2014 3:55 am

Damnit!

Looks like we lost Col. Sgt. B. Nik Fury.

Anyone wishing to buy a bottle of condolence for his loss, please come by my office.

P.L. Morningstar (Director, A.S.S.)
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by oettinger » Sat Apr 11, 2015 3:07 pm

Of course I had to dig deep in the drunkard forums to find the TP.
SM left me a strange note on the wall. Anyone good in chinese?
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Btw, liquor shits are worse than beer shits. Junk food doesn`t enhance your performance at all.
I do not remember posting that ^^^
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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Sat Apr 11, 2015 3:28 pm

^^^^^^^^^^

No more selfies, oettinger!
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Wed Apr 15, 2015 3:29 pm

Memo to all A.S.S. Heads

Gentlemen and Germans, the boys in P.E.E. (Pubic Enemies Elimation) Division have come up with a new device to prevent lavatorial attacks from the befouled terror monger known only as "SqualorMan".

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Make sure that you get yours issued as soon as possible. Due to popular demand, we are currently limited to allowing only two "BogBrush-45s" per household. So be sure to nail those other crappers up tight.

Keep safe by taking your A.S.S. Doctors' recommended overdose of Loperamide and make sure that everyone in your house knows how to use your A.S.S. issued "BogBrush-45s" and make sure that it is fully loaded at all times.

Yours,
Bubba J. Landfill (A.S.S.istant to the Director),

On Behalf Of,

P. L. Morningstar, Director, ASS (Anti Squalor Squad)
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by Mr. Viking » Wed Apr 15, 2015 4:02 pm

top tip: stuff a plastic bag with fabric and push it around your u-bend to stop sewer gases permeating, squalorman's sense of smell is its most powerful tool in hunting down prey
"I spent all of my money on cars, women and booze, the rest of it I squandered" G. Best

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Re: *****Warning, it's the SqualorMan Thread*****NSFWoAWE***

Post by Palinka (RIP) » Fri Apr 17, 2015 3:33 am

Here's a report on the latest SqualorMan sighting.
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
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