Offensive bar jokes

Post your favorite quips of wino wisdom here.

Moderators: Badfellow, Mr Boozificator, Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, Judge, oettinger, Oggar

Post Reply
User avatar
lmr5150
Booze Head
Booze Head
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Feb 21, 2008 9:28 pm

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by lmr5150 » Mon Aug 10, 2009 7:58 pm

What were Michael Jackson's last word to the paramedic?







Take me to the children's hospital.

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:26 am

You guys wanna hear a really funny joke?






Women's Rights.
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:36 am

What does a baby in a microwave sound like?





I don't know, I was to busy masturbating to notice any kind of sound.
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:38 am

Why do women get pregnant?




Because it hurts and they deserve it.
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Sun Sep 06, 2009 12:39 am

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?



It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

MichMorgan
Tippler
Tippler
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:31 pm

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by MichMorgan » Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:39 pm

A string walks into a barbarbar. The bartender gives him an angry glance and says “Hey, we don’t serve strings here.” The string leaves, puts on a costume and comes back. Once again the bartender kicks him out of the barbarbar, and says, “We don’t serve strings here!” The string sits outside and ties himself into a knot because he badly wants a drink. Then he begins to fray the edges of the knot so the top of his head looks like hair. By this time, the string feels he’s made enough of a transformation to get a drink at the barbarbar. When the string enters the barbarbar, the bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Hey, aren’t you that string?” The string replies: “Nope, frayed knot.”
"If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one."

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love."


Inspirational Quotes and Motivational Quotes by Mother Teresa, 1910-1997, Albanian-born Humanitarian and Missionary

User avatar
Wingman
Chugging Like Churchill
Chugging Like Churchill
Posts: 5081
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 1:44 pm
Location: on my way to a bar

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Wingman » Thu Sep 17, 2009 7:16 am

MichMorgan wrote: “Nope, i'm afrayed knot.”
fixed that for ya. some whiskey for this coffee would be great, thanks.
Stupid should hurt.

"We're better than mere people, we're DRUNKARDS."
--ThirstyDrunk

User avatar
StefanoSbronzato
Hooch Hound
Hooch Hound
Posts: 94
Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2010 5:53 am
Location: Down t'pub

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by StefanoSbronzato » Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:31 am

Apologies if this has been posted here before but...

A man walks into his local and is surprised to see a different barman behind the bar. He thinks nothing of it and orders a pint anyway. After drinking several more pints he decides to call it a night.
"How much do I owe you?", he asks the bartender.
"Oh, nothing. Hell, have another few free pints while you're at it."
The man is astounded. "Are you sure about this? Where's the landlord?"
"Upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing with her?"
"Same thing I'm doing to his business."
"There are no ugly women, there is only less vodka"--Russian proverb
Jelmo wrote:Guinnessa dsor brewakafast5. Fucxksa if withre yuour sillyh questionsd
--baby's first drunk post--

hickorycreek
Souse
Souse
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:18 pm

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by hickorycreek » Sun Mar 14, 2010 1:07 am

ok , two fags want a baby, so they jerk off into a cup ok, and bring it to a lady who will insemanate there sperm into her womb, ok, 9 months later, ok, the 2 fags go to the hospital to see there baby, and its perfect , calm peacefull evreything they wanted, ok, the 2 fags tell evreybody around them , look at our baby, its perfect. the best baby in the place, then........ the nurse comes out and says yeh but wait until they pull the pacifer out of its ass! he he

Whisky Guy
Lord of Benders
Lord of Benders
Posts: 295
Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 12:08 am
Location: Vancouver

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Whisky Guy » Tue Mar 23, 2010 2:18 am

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer and asks how much.
The bartender replies "For you no charge"

Nerdy, not offensive, time to fix that...

How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why did white people go to the moon? They thought natives had land up there and wanted to take it too.

User avatar
Rip Rufus
Hooching Like Hemingway
Hooching Like Hemingway
Posts: 3316
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 2:16 pm
Location: On the border of Pineys Everywhere and Gaudy Summer Homes. Not far from Ghetto in the Woods.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Rip Rufus » Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:52 pm

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly my cock down your wife's throat.
"You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to." - A.J.S.

#39

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:06 am

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

-- The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:11 am

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:12 am

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"

"Did you get a blow job?"

"Naw, I couldnt find her head"
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

User avatar
Bob Young
Super Drunkard
Super Drunkard
Posts: 167
Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:24 pm
Location: Sitting on the dock, waiting for the ship too blackout island. I hope it didn't forget about me.

Re: Offensive bar jokes

Post by Bob Young » Wed Dec 15, 2010 3:15 am

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
“Sinite felix transeat tempus!”

Post Reply