One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Remember what happened last night? Good. Now tell the world.

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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by mistah willies »

#132

Voddy will help the cooling vbents.

Let's pour some onnit

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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by Dear Booze »

#133
Went to a fundraiser/auction during the Christmas season and was the high bidder, and therefore the winner of, a super fancy Christmas tree. The fucking thing cost me $400! I didn't want it, so I gave it to an intern in my office... who happens to be Jewish.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Give a drunk man tortilla chips, Velveeta and a hair dryer and he has nachos.

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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by oettinger »

#134 Went to a motel and asked for a room with mini bar, upon which request the women at the counter replied it may not be availiable. To which I wisely countered: "Why again are you that fat then?"
If water was so healthy, why do you die when you drown in it?
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by Palinka (RIP) »

oettinger wrote:#134 Went to a motel and asked for a room with mini bar, upon which request the women at the counter replied it may not be availiable. To which I wisely countered: "Why again are you that fat then?"
Presumably because she ate all the mini-bars...
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by oettinger »

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and now drink some to get it down!
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by Maj »

Great topic. Mind if I chime in? Ah hazy memories . . .

#135 Gave my Mp3 player to a Cuban bartender and then reported it stolen to the resort management the next day.

#136 Told the bouncers in a Montreal bar that there was a fight outside, locked the door and took over the microphone while a buddy played the drums.

#137 Drove to Buffalo from Toronto at 11 pm to get extra tasty krispy spicy KFC

#138 Offered a piece to the border guard on the way back. You should've seen his face

#139 Pissed in a coffee cup without a bottom while on a road trip. Tried to throw my jeans out the window without anyone noticing

#140 Lost my wallet jumping over a fence to take a piss, same trip

#141 Got in a fight with some local thugs at the corner of South and Broad St. in Philly. It seems they didn't want me talking to their hoes

#142 Paid $20.00 to hear a bad rendition of Piano Man. He said he couldn't remember how it went and pointed to the fishbowl

#143 Convinced an older lady I was Phil Housley. She would've fucked me if I said I was Pee Wee Herman

#144 Convinced a young lady I was Joe Barnes. I licked her pussy for an hour and she didn't move a muscle

#145 Walked an entire block on the roof of parked cars. In retrospect, a dick move

#146 Crashed a McDonalds manager's party in Ottawa. Was probably the only guy to get laid

#147 Fell asleep and literally drove my car up a tree. I survived but the tree didn't

#148 Drove my Pinto 100 mph downhill to escape from the Police only to realize they weren't chasing me

#149 Got thrown out of Hooterville Station on new years eve. Was driven home by the police

#150 Went to the Easter Seals Telethon at 2 am for laughs. It wasn't so funny after the liquor wore off

#151 Threatened an uninvited neighbour with a butcher knife. That'll teach him to try and be nieghbourly

#152 Won $2000.00 playing blackjack in Atlantic City

#152 Got robbed in my sleep by a lady three hours later. Seriously, she fucked my friend and stole my wallet on her way out

#153 Shot an 84 at the National Pines

#154 Fell asleep on top of a military lady while attempting to have sex. She didn't steal my wallet

#155 Went through a lady's purse while she was in the shower, didn't find money so I stole her cigarettes

#156 Stole an pie from the display case at Denny's as I left without paying

#157 Got thrown out of the Brass Rail for taking pictures of the strippers. I didn't have a camera. Still shaking my head

#158 Got in a fight with the security staff at the Rough Riders game for calling Danny McMannus a fat pig. He was a fat pig. I heard later I was on tv

#159 Me and a buddy got thrown out of a Blue Jays game for getting up too much. A man's gotta piss if he drinks that much beer, I said

#160 Got in a fight with off duty cops after a Buffalo Sabres - Montreal Canadians game. A good Samaritan intervened and got the shit beat out of him while I made my escape

#170 Accosted Tie Domi at a bar in Hull, in a nice way

#171 Drank 26 beers in one night at the cottage. Not sure where the extra two came from

#172 Tried to sing tracks of my tears on karaoke night

#173 Went night fishing at the Moon River. Didn't catch fuck all

#174 Got arrested for telling a cop I was going to kill him. Not charged thankfully but I took a bit of a beating

#175 Got kicked out of a cab in the middle of nowhere for doing who knows what. Not sure how I got home

#176 Pissed my pants before I could open the tent. Couldn't find the zipper

#177 Slept with a Hamilton Tiger Cats cheerleader

#178 Woke up the next morning and asked her "what's wrong with your face?"

#179 Slept with my driving instructor. I know what you're thinking. She was female

#180 Jerked off on my girlfriend's tits while she was sleeping. Best sex we ever had

#181 Drove from Brampton to Etobicoke after 2 am for a booty call. Did that many times

#183 Chugged a micky of gin after a bottle of Mateus. Cousin walked me around in the snow puking every 10 feet, then broke into a cottage for me to sleep it off. I was 14.

#184 Stole my Dad's boat at 2 am and drove around Georgian Bay at full throttle. 'We don't need lights".

#185 Was followed around Parkdale by a cruiser until I stopped, got out and convinced the cop she wasn't a hooker. He didn't know what I was talking about and it turned out she wasn't a hooker after all. Not sure why she got in my car in the first place.

#186 Had a fender bender, not my fault, but I was drunk. It turned out the other guy was drunk too. I told him I was going to call the cops and he split. I hid in a donut shop.

#187 Got into a shoving match with some dude over a water fountain. My buddy was yelling at me to leave the guy alone. It turned out it was girl.

This is what I remember. I shudder to think of what I can't.
Last edited by Maj on Tue May 06, 2014 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by Dear Booze »

Great opening post! #156 and #178 made me laugh out loud. Looking forward to more of your tales... with detail.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Give a drunk man tortilla chips, Velveeta and a hair dryer and he has nachos.

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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by booznik »

Can't compete with Mr. Maj's list, but #188 happened not too long ago.

It's after midnight on a Saturday (so make it Sunday), and I'm three sheets to the wind, +1 extra sheet. I can walk straight, if I make the effort and concentrate.

I have the munchies so bad, I must have some sort of salty fat-bomb of savory goodness, or I'm going to resort to eating my Laphroaig candle. The nearby 24/7 quickie mart now cooks frozen pizzas to order in their Turbo Chef (in about 3 minutes), so I decide to stumble down there for some pepperoni goodness. I make it down the stairs and down to the intersection. Standing around the traffic light pole with the crossing button are a group of people, male and female, engaged in a high-grade, extremely angry screaming match.

I stand there for probably a minute or two, expecting someone to push the button, when I realize that their attention is elsewhere, and they're probably not going to push the button. So I stumble delicately through their fight, push the button, wait half a minute or so while they ignore me completely, I mean, they don't even look at me, and cross. I can still hear the shouting from the other side.

When I returned with the pizza, they were gone. The pizza tasted heavenly, by the way.

While waiting for it to be cooked, I remember marveling at how the store was spinning about a bit. The kindly middle-eastern clerk was pleased to see me. I suspect people like me are his best customers.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by oettinger »

Yup booznik, spot on. These poor 24/7ers have to deal with so much shit all night, a barely walking drunk becomes their greatest company.

#189 standing on an ostende, belgium beach at three in the morning throwing up violently during a storm and the vomit coming out of my mouth horizontal on a rail is hitting everyone standing besides me but myself
If water was so healthy, why do you die when you drown in it?
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by oldsmartskunk »

#190 Got drunk at a bar. On Monday! Hooked up with a girl who's name or face i can't remember. Used beer for a lubricant. Accidentally hit the the wrong hole. She got furious. That's when i split and left her with beer soaked vagina. Don't remember how i got home.

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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by Badfellow »

Maj wrote: #176 Pissed my pants before I could open the tent. Couldn't find the zipper
On your pants? Or on the tent?
Because you don't necessarily need a tent to piss your pants.
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by mistah willies »

Badfellow wrote:
Maj wrote: #176 Pissed my pants before I could open the tent. Couldn't find the zipper
On your pants? Or on the tent?
Because you don't necessarily need a tent to piss your pants.
Maybe his manly junk requires a tent to encase it?


Me? I prefer a mumu


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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by oettinger »

# 191 well, took a not-been-dropping-a-dime-in-a-week shit into a tent once and left it standing there for others to pick up
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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by oldsmartskunk »

#192 Made best prank ever. There was a big plush teddy bear, so i undressed and hid under it. When a chick came next to it i jumped from my cover and
scared the shit out of her. We had been together for 5years after that!

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Re: One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

Post by booznik »

mistah willies wrote:Me? I prefer a mumu
There is only one true muumuu, and that is the pink, paisley muumuu. It is always accompanied by electrical tape, shaving cream, and a hamster.

Handcuffs are allowed, but only if they have a velvet lining. And make sure the room is soundproof.
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur

"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow

"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies

"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo

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