An open letter to hard seltzer

[TheDrunkardAnglo]

flavoured carbonated water is for little girls and men with thrush.

Adults let their whisky flavour their carbonated water.

[benitobeast69]

flavoured carbonated water is for little girls and men with thrush.

Adults let their whisky flavour their carbonated water.

what about if men with thrush like scotch and soda..is that ok??

asking for a friend.

[Badfellow]

You have to admit, the cosmos has a wicked sense of humor. I’m sure that’s why there is now a 12 pack of Vizzy hard seltzer sitting in my kitchen. Before you prepare your ridicule, let’s get a few things straight:

- I did NOT ask or pay any money for this dumpster gargle.

- A friend dropped it off. Someone left it at his place (who obviously didn’t want it) and now he’s left it at my place and obviously didn’t want it.

- It has antioxidants and vitamin C!

Mixed flavors. Give it up for the cliche players Black Cherry Lime, Pineapple Mango, Blueberry Pomegranate and that darling Kiwi Strawberry. 5% alcohol, bitches. Yes, Vizzy is 50% Zima and 100% bullshit. Great, now I’m going to have to put on a sundress and start drinking this potable fluff. Or perhaps it would be better to mix it with Everclear and commit ritual suicide. Haven’t decided yet, though for your own petty amusements I shall keep y’all posted.

[benitobeast69]

You have to admit, the cosmos has a wicked sense of humor. I’m sure that’s why there is now a 12 pack of Vizzy hard seltzer sitting in my kitchen. Before you prepare your ridicule, let’s get a few things straight:

- I did NOT ask or pay any money for this dumpster gargle.

- A friend dropped it off. Someone left it at his place (who obviously didn’t want it) and now he’s left it at my place and obviously didn’t want it.

- It has antioxidants and vitamin C!

Mixed flavors. Give it up for the cliche players Black Cherry Lime, Pineapple Mango, Blueberry Pomegranate and that darling Kiwi Strawberry. 5% alcohol, bitches. Yes, Vizzy is 50% Zima and 100% bullshit. Great, now I’m going to have to put on a sundress and start drinking this potable fluff. Or perhaps it would be better to mix it with Everclear and commit ritual suicide. Haven’t decided yet, though for your own petty amusements I shall keep y’all posted.

any free booze is good booze.

[Merchant Seaman]

any free booze is good booze.

True dat, I was sailing a NYNY-Singapore route with APL some years back, and we traded our sludge for beer in Sri Lanka, we would get about thirty cases, and split it up among the crew, Me, The wiper, the 1st and the third would take the lion's share, as we did the transfer, the referman used to bitch, because it was Tiger Beer, he was known as shithead.

[benitobeast69]

any free booze is good booze.

True dat, I was sailing a NYNY-Singapore route with APL some years back, and we traded our sludge for beer in Sri Lanka, we would get about thirty cases, and split it up among the crew, Me, The wiper, the 1st and the third would take the lion's share, as we did the transfer, the referman used to bitch, because it was Tiger Beer, he was known as shithead.

nothing wrong with Tiger beer....especially ice cold

[Merchant Seaman]

any free booze is good booze.

True dat, I was sailing a NYNY-Singapore route with APL some years back, and we traded our sludge for beer in Sri Lanka, we would get about thirty cases, and split it up among the crew, Me, The wiper, the 1st and the third would take the lion's share, as we did the transfer, the referman used to bitch, because it was Tiger Beer, he was known as shithead.

nothing wrong with Tiger beer....especially ice cold

Yes, more so when it's free

[whiskeyprick]

Then why do they cost more than beer?

marketing

Bingo. Marketing and popularity.

Which leads to the question: does marketing drive popularity? Or vice versa?

good question. from what I remember of my brewery days, we spent most of money on packaging, which is pros why we went under.

[Savage]

Dear hard seltzer,

How popular you’ve become as of late. Everywhere I turn, there you seem to be on bar menus and in advertisements. Even breweries have forgotten they are brewers in a mad dash for the slightest fraction of hard seltzer market shares. How garish are the colors of your label in concealment of your true content, so pale and void of backbone, so wanting for potable character.

Yes, hard seltzer, you are the bastard son of Zima. You are the wine cooler of today gone tomorrow. When the gimmickry of your carbonation and crappy fruit flavorings have been removed, you’re just water in a can. I’d rather have a real drink.

Sincerely,
Badfellow







Very proud of myself that I didn’t swear once in that entire fucking letter.

Hard seltzer sux. But I will confess to a longing for good old California Coolers.