Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health

[Thompson]

Hey, where’s the Harley, said Badfellow?

Otto’s got it, said Thompson.

I thought you were dead, said Badfellow. All that drool dripping down your chin, then I guess you just passed out and didn’t die.

Good to see you too, pal.

What is Otto doing with the Harley?

He’s teaching Meenie how to ride it. You should see her on it. God damn. I think he’s giving lessons to all the adopted sisters. I’d like to see Moe ride it, me. Plus, while you and Dix were on the road trip, Otto came over and got the keys and took it down to his seed and feed store. Had it for a week. I think it would be safe to say that the Harley is now souped up. It’s a reverse wedding present, he told me. He also went over the Harley with, what he said, with a fine tooth comb. He put some more crank in that cranking up you like to do.

No shit. How was the wedding?

I was best man and I fucking fell down walking down the aisle. So, I’ve been very depressed and I think I might have to quit the Gang.

Oh shit, first Dix now you. Hey! Have you met our newest member, Gang Dog? Here he comes. Give Thompson a smooch boy, said Badfellow.

Good Christ, said Thompson. How’d he get to be so big?

Don’t say that word, big, he doesn’t like that word.

Okay, where is he going to sleep? He can sleep under my rug.

So you’re not quitting the Gang?

No.

[Thompson]

But I didn’t tell you, Badfellow, that I’m going blind. I’m not really worried about it because the pain is minimal, although this morning there is a considerable pain in my right eye. But I’ve been lying here under my rug and thinking it could be so much worse. What if I didn’t have a rug? What if I didn’t have the Gang? What if I was alone without any food, without any cigarettes, without any booze? And now there is Gang Dog. He’s a tail wagger. He’s Dix’s dog, no? He’ll probly want to sleep under Dix’s rug. But I’ve noticed that dogs will go from rug to rug. They want to help you. Part of their collective unconscious I guess. So if I quit the Gang I will be lost.

What you need, Thompson, is some breakfast. Hop on the back of the Harley and we’ll go get some.

[Thompson]

What we need is a horse, said Thompson.

Why is that, said Badfellow?

Well, if the stripper girls can learn to ride the Harley, they can learn to ride a horse. Think of the diversion. Two girls ride into town on a horse wearing western garb while two other girls ride in on a Harley dressed in Hell’s Angels outfits. They get off their mounts and stretch their legs and shake out their hair? The whole town will be gawking, even the faithful wives. We give them a couple hours to let the word spread, then we hit the bank. There’s a town called Cold Heart that has an Alaskan payroll bank. Something to do with the Alaskan pipe line workers stationed around Cold Heart.

But then the workers won’t get paid, said Badfellow.

No, they won’t, the Gang will get paid instead.

Where is this town called Cold Heart?

After breakfast we’ll scope it out. I know how to get there.

[Thompson]

Two hours of stretching their legs and shaking out their hair is going to get old, said Badfellow.

No no, said Thompson, right before we hit the bank, or fifteen minutes or so before we hit the bank, there will be a girl fight. Two against two. The cowgirls verses the biker girls. This staged fight will draw everybody outside to see it. It will take place across the street from the bank and all the bank customers and all the tellers will run out the bank to see it. Savvy?

I like it, said Badfellow.

[Thompson]

You ever notice how sound travels, how it seems to be coming from somewhere else, said Thompson?

Yeah, so what, said Badfellow?

Well, Oettinger has to blow the big safe. There is no way around that. He’s got to use his juice mixture. What say he makes two juice mixtures and they both explode at the same time? Or maybe three juice mixtures? We’ll have the cat fight across the street, three explosions at the same time, nobody can tell where the explosions are coming from because of the way sound travels, and we get in and out before you can say Badfellow backwards. Wollefdab.

I like it, said Wollefdab.

[Thompson]

I want to get something off my chest, said Hugh to Thompson.

Well, take your shirt off for starters, so we can see what’s on your chest.

It’s a figure of speech.

Fuck, I’m not sure how to get a figure of speech off your chest. Let’s take a look at it. I once sucked rattlesnake poison and then I wound up in rehab ‘cause I got addicted to it. Owned four rattlesnakes. Oh, you got a tattoo Hugh, said Thompson?

No, well, yes, I gotta small one.

Is that what you want to get off your chest?

No, I would like to tell you something, said Hugh.

Shoot.

I feel like I’m second fiddle. Nausea just came aboard and he already gets to sleep with his assault rifle. Nobody gave me an assault rifle. Plus, you know, I would like to learn how to ride the Harley. I don’t see why the stripper girls get to do all the cool shit.

Hmm, said Thompson. Would you like to be head chef of the food truck? Nobody can fuck with you if you are head chef. You can be in charge of the hotdog machine and map out the routes. Think you can drive that big bastard?

Well no, I’m not a good driver.

Dix can drive good. I’ll ask him to be driver and you can concentrate on the food truck cuisine. We’ll get a new sign — Hugh’s Cuisine. You will have to be cashier too. Think you can handle that?

I think so, yes. I’m not sure I like the sign name though, Hugh’s Cuisine, sounds too affected. How about Hot Dogs and Hamburgers?

Okay, that sounds good. Hot Dogs and Hamburgers.

[Thompson]

Gang Dog went over to Hugh’s rug and licked Hugh’s face. He made a dog noise then curled up next to Hugh. Hugh patted his head and talked to Gang Dog for a while. Hugh explained to Gang Dog the complexities of every day living and rubbed his belly. Hugh felt better. Tomorrow he would be head chef of the food truck. He would have to do tacos, especially on Tuesday, and that was running through his brain. He hadn’t done tacos before, but it can’t be that hard, he said to himself. He was not about to ask Bug how to make them, Miss Know it All. But he might could incorporate a couple of her sauces. Gang Dog got under Hugh’s rug and put his head on Hugh’s shoulder. They both fell asleep at the same time.

[Thompson]

I feel sick, said Oettinger.

You gonna puke, said Hugh?

Maybe, haven’t made my mind up yet.

You’ll probly feel better if you puke. Use Thompson’s bucket.

I see it over there, where is Thompson?

He left.

Why did he leave?

He didn’t say. He mumbled some shit like he always does but I couldn’t make it out.

It’s the middle of the night, where would he go?

No telling.

Did he have his shoes on?

I can’t remember, no wait, yes he had his shoes on.

Think he went to get some breakfast?

Yeah, that’s probly it.

[Thompson]

Thompson never came back.

Jesus Christ, said Badfellow, you have to keep an eye on that son of a bitch. He’s nutso you know. His brain is as wet as a dirty sponge. He has some good ideas but he is off his rocker. Dix, let’s take the food truck and go out looking for him.

Okay, let’s take Gang Dog, he might can sniff him out.

Good idea. Hugh, you wanna come with?

Alright, let me put my overalls on first. I like the overalls but it’s a nuisance to get them down when you have to take a shit.

Have you taken a shit yet?

Yeah, I took one.

Good. Let’s get going.

[Thompson]

Gang Dog’s ears went back and he made a funny noise.

Pull over here, said Badfellow. I think I see him. Look, that’s him, he’s taking a piss on that tree. Oh, good God.

He looks crazy all right, said Hugh. I’m a little afraid of him to tell the truth.

Let Gang Dog out the food truck. He ain’t afraid a nothin’.

Thompson fell down. He figured in his mind that this was it. He was going to freeze to death in Frozen Lips Alaska and that would be that. Then he felt a tongue licking his face, and he saw Badfellow and Dix and Hugh running his way. Badfellow looked pissed off, but it was good to see him. Same with Dix and Hugh. He almost started crying but the tears froze on his face, and he felt foolish. He patted Gang Dog’s head and said ‘Good fella, you’re a good dog.’

[oettinger]

Shit, so much to read. Did we cash in yet?

I feel sickly at times, that`s true. I`m alright after a fifth though mostly

[Thompson]

Shit, so much to read. Did we cash in yet?

I feel sickly at times, that`s true. I`m alright after a fifth though mostly

Yes, we cashed in. The girl cat fight was extraordinary. All the people of Cold Heart were out on the street. The heist was perfect. Your explosions, Oettinger, were spot on. We fooled ‘em. Gotta count the take, but it looks good.

[Thompson]

The take from the Cold Heart Bank and Trust was substantial, more than Thompson expected. Badfellow was still concerned about the pipe line workers not getting paid.

No, they’ve got vouchers, they can go to any old bank and collect their pay, said Thompson. In fact, I’ve got Dix and Hugh following the two foremen of the workers. Seems the nearest bank is in a town called Head Cold. Hugh has really taken to the Harley by the way. He can crank it up almost as good as you.

Badfellow smiled. He liked it when one of the Gang members was proud of himself. Nobody thought that Hugh could master the Harley, but there you go.

So, we stake out Head Cold, said Badfellow?

Right. I say we hit it while the iron is hot. Another quick in and out job. Then we can hole up back at Frozen Lips, recoup, relax, and count our money over and over.

Have you eaten breakfast?

No. Let me fetch my cane.

[Thompson]

Do you think the other Eskimo stripper girls will get married? I like Otto, I trust him, he can help us, said Thompson.

Well, said Badfellow, I don’t think the girls will get married unless they fall in love.

That’s what it’s about, huh? Falling?

Figure of speech, Thompson, that’s what Hugh had on his chest, and it was a fucking bitch to get off. I don’t go for those figures of speeches.

I hear ya. You getting the grits or the home style fried potatoes?

I wouldn’t mind a baked potato.

Me neither.

[Thompson]

I think Meenie is pregnant, said Thompson.

What makes you say that, said Badfellow?

Well, it’s Gang Dog. He goes over to her and puts his head on her belly. He seems fascinated by her belly. You have to check it out. He listens to her belly.

Hmm. Do dogs do that?

Gang Dog is a tad different than other dogs, Badfellow, surely you’ve noticed that by now.

Yeah, he’s a tad different. Does Meenie mind Gang Dog listening to her belly?

Not at all. They are close, Gang Dog and Meenie.

Does Gang Dog take to Otto?

Yes he does. If you can’t find him that usually means he’s at Otto’s seed and feed store.

Has Otto said anything about joining the Gang?

No. But he doesn’t say much.

I think Otto is already part of the Gang. What he’s done to the food truck and the Harley is extraordinary. Plus, he always helps out with the dishes.

True enough. We will give him a cut from the Cold Heart heist. There is plenty to go around.

That’s a good idea.