The hiccups returned. One every three seconds. I opened the front door and let Chester the dog out and I left the door open so I could talk to God. Then I started counting at the top my lungs ‘One Two Three Four,’ all spaced out just perfect, and I kept that up for a count of 250, then I got tired. The landlord came running over demanding to know ‘what is wrong with me?’
Nothing is wrong. I was talking to God. He is a tad hard of hearing because he is so old.
Well, fuck man, it’s 10:30 at night. I have to get up early.
Okay, sorry to disturb you. I thought it was just 9:30.
Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Moderators: Oggar, Badfellow, Mr Boozificator, Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, oettinger, Judge
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Well, it seems my late night chat with God payed off. Woke up this morning with nary a hiccup. Drank two beers, had a couple of pulls, no hiccups.
Since I’m not eating food anymore, I better go stock up on beer. I’d like to try a six of Hamms, but it is 4.7 and owned now by Pabst blue ribbon, which the dude cannot abide. 4.7 is acceptable, but Budweiser is 5.0, so if you multiply that out, and shit I’ve been drinking it for over fifty years. My grandpappy drank Budweiser.
Since I’m not eating food anymore, I better go stock up on beer. I’d like to try a six of Hamms, but it is 4.7 and owned now by Pabst blue ribbon, which the dude cannot abide. 4.7 is acceptable, but Budweiser is 5.0, so if you multiply that out, and shit I’ve been drinking it for over fifty years. My grandpappy drank Budweiser.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Hiccups, a drunk`s worst nightmare.
You should try eat blended veggies. Like old and crippled people do
You should try eat blended veggies. Like old and crippled people do
Drink!
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Crippled, that’s a good word. He’s a cripple. Yeah that word will come in handy.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
I forgot about the annual cripple race in the CBD. I got up early and took the bus to the French Quarter to take all my money out the bank in cash. I’m so sick of fees. So I walk back to Magazine Street (with my cane) to board the bus back uptown.
There they were, must have been 200 cripples lined up at the starting gate which means the bus will be stuck until they all get a move on. The starting whistle sounded and not one cripple budged. The bus tooted his horn. Nobody moved. Sure enough, here come the hiccups again. I had no choice but to get off the bus and join the cripple race, or walk home. I walked home. I had to sit on the curb after each block and rest five minutes. I just got home. If I would have read the cripple post by Oettinger last night I would have probably remembered about the cripple race this morning.
There they were, must have been 200 cripples lined up at the starting gate which means the bus will be stuck until they all get a move on. The starting whistle sounded and not one cripple budged. The bus tooted his horn. Nobody moved. Sure enough, here come the hiccups again. I had no choice but to get off the bus and join the cripple race, or walk home. I walked home. I had to sit on the curb after each block and rest five minutes. I just got home. If I would have read the cripple post by Oettinger last night I would have probably remembered about the cripple race this morning.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Oetts, for your info I had a sprig of broccoli and spit it out. Three days have somewhat cleaned me out, no hiccups, but bad smelling farts. I thought I had pooped everything out. Maybe I’m getting another ball in my colon. Bad smelling farts means shit in there, right?
Anyway, I’m glad my sniffer still works. Everything else seems to be broken. Can’t hear, can’t see, my hands and feet should be chopped off for all the good they do me. My woodle has’t been woodled in I Have No Idea. I can’t even open a can of beer without my beer tool. That alone, using a beer tool to open a can of beer, is just pathetic.
Anyway, I’m glad my sniffer still works. Everything else seems to be broken. Can’t hear, can’t see, my hands and feet should be chopped off for all the good they do me. My woodle has’t been woodled in I Have No Idea. I can’t even open a can of beer without my beer tool. That alone, using a beer tool to open a can of beer, is just pathetic.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
There has got to be cause and effect, right? The effect is from the cause. If you have a very unpleasant effect, you look for the cause, right? To not let it happen again. If you are allergic to shellfish say, you don’t eat it, right? So you got the cause right in front of you.
Now my question: is there an effect without a cause?
I had two small sips of beer and I’ve had the hiccups for three hours. The hiccups didn’t start until I had the two small sips of beer. I have no food in me what so ever, I do have a smidgen of vodka inside, but it was setting just fine with no hiccups. So you mean to tell me that two small sips of beer are going to cause three plus hours of hiccups? I find that hard to believe.
I think that’s what drives a man to the crazy house. He can’t come up with the cause. He can’t stop it because he doesn’t know what or where it is. He looks over his shoulder a lot to see if anybody is following him. He asks philosophical questions on Modern Drunkard. His eyes don’t match up, one goes one way the second one goes another way. He blows his nose quite a bit, and his hands shake.
Now my question: is there an effect without a cause?
I had two small sips of beer and I’ve had the hiccups for three hours. The hiccups didn’t start until I had the two small sips of beer. I have no food in me what so ever, I do have a smidgen of vodka inside, but it was setting just fine with no hiccups. So you mean to tell me that two small sips of beer are going to cause three plus hours of hiccups? I find that hard to believe.
I think that’s what drives a man to the crazy house. He can’t come up with the cause. He can’t stop it because he doesn’t know what or where it is. He looks over his shoulder a lot to see if anybody is following him. He asks philosophical questions on Modern Drunkard. His eyes don’t match up, one goes one way the second one goes another way. He blows his nose quite a bit, and his hands shake.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Just so you know, ladies and gents, is that the hiccups are related to puking. If you can puke you can get rid of the hiccups. Ever see one of them young hippie girls with the hiccups? No, they learned to puke at an early age, comes natural to ‘em. But that is how you do it. To stop the hiccups you have to vomit or at least try to. You can puke a little bit, it’s the reflux muscle that is in play. If that muscle thinks you are going to puke it will stop the hiccups. No shit man , I’ve been working on it.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Now I did run into a fella who was peddling heroin when I went to the bank in the French Quarter to withdraw my money in cash.
Interested in a little horse, he said?
No, I’ve got a big dog.
I’m talking about dope, dude.
Well, to tell you the truth, which I rarely tell anybody, I’ve got a bad case of the hiccups. Can a touch of the horse, heroin, will that work on hiccups?
Yes sir! It works for everything!
Okay, I have to go to the bank and withdraw all my money in cash because I’m sick and tired of paying these fees.
All right, I’ll be hanging around this corner for an hour or so. No funny business mind you.
I’m not too keen on shooting it. Can I just snort it?
Sure, most junkies start small and then grow big.
Okay, do you sell nickel bags?
I do, but if you’ve got the cash a dime bag is a better deal.
Listen, if I like this horse, heroin, can I find you down here?
Absolutely. My name is Keith Jagger.
Please to meet you. Most people call me Thompson. I’m not sure if that’s my real name though.
Oh it don’t matter, today one person, tomorrow another.
Okay, I shouldn’t be long, I have an appointment.
I’ll fix you up with a dime bag. I might be in the biker bar across the street. I do a lot of business with the bikers.
I drove a motorcycle once and fell over making a turn.
Just don’t make no turns any more.
Interested in a little horse, he said?
No, I’ve got a big dog.
I’m talking about dope, dude.
Well, to tell you the truth, which I rarely tell anybody, I’ve got a bad case of the hiccups. Can a touch of the horse, heroin, will that work on hiccups?
Yes sir! It works for everything!
Okay, I have to go to the bank and withdraw all my money in cash because I’m sick and tired of paying these fees.
All right, I’ll be hanging around this corner for an hour or so. No funny business mind you.
I’m not too keen on shooting it. Can I just snort it?
Sure, most junkies start small and then grow big.
Okay, do you sell nickel bags?
I do, but if you’ve got the cash a dime bag is a better deal.
Listen, if I like this horse, heroin, can I find you down here?
Absolutely. My name is Keith Jagger.
Please to meet you. Most people call me Thompson. I’m not sure if that’s my real name though.
Oh it don’t matter, today one person, tomorrow another.
Okay, I shouldn’t be long, I have an appointment.
I’ll fix you up with a dime bag. I might be in the biker bar across the street. I do a lot of business with the bikers.
I drove a motorcycle once and fell over making a turn.
Just don’t make no turns any more.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
So Thompson got home and snorted a big line of horse, heroin. He was still pissed off about the cripple race. And why do they have to have these races on a Sunday? The buses run half time on Sundays.
Oh, hey, this feels good. Yeah, real good. Let’s see what’s on tv. Shit, I forgot, I can’t see or hear anything from the tv.
Just pretend. Make up your own show. Be more entertaining I’ll bet.
Oh, hey, this feels good. Yeah, real good. Let’s see what’s on tv. Shit, I forgot, I can’t see or hear anything from the tv.
Just pretend. Make up your own show. Be more entertaining I’ll bet.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
So Thompson was feeling a tad better and decided to drink a beer. He had sworn off beer and all carbonated beverages because of the hiccups. So Thompson slugged down about six ounces of Budweiser in one fell swoop then waited around to see. Might have been a whole minute while he waited. At 50 seconds it looked good, he tried to pat himself on the back but tripped and fell on the floor. He made it back to the couch and that’s when they started up. I’m going to count these fuckers. Nobody will believe me but so what. Thompson counted, out loud, so he wouldn’t lose track. Also, keep in mind Thompson was once a math student on the primrose path to success. He knew his numbers, by golly.
That’s when Big Bertha knocked the back door down.
What the fuck you doing Thompson, said Bertha?
I’m counting my number of hiccups.
What’s the count?
Well, before you busted the door down I was at 570 something.
You need to keep it down. Your voice is so loud and sarcastic that it makes the hair stand up on my back, see?
I’m sorry, Ms Bertha. I’ve had a rough day today what with the cripple race downtown and these pesky hiccups.
I’ll go get us some Maid Rite sandwiches and onion rings. Do you like onion rings?
I prefer French fries.
Okay, do you know what the other dogs prefer?
We all prefer the French fries.
I Apologize again, my hearing has gone dim so I talk loud to hear myself talk.
Don’t you talk to yourself?
Sure, but with numbers it’s better to say them out loud.
My uncle, Harry Caray, was famous for singing Take Me Out to the Ballgame during the 7th inning stretch. He sang Loud. The end of the song goes And it’s One Two Three Strikes You’re Out at the Ol’ Ball Game.
That’s when Big Bertha knocked the back door down.
What the fuck you doing Thompson, said Bertha?
I’m counting my number of hiccups.
What’s the count?
Well, before you busted the door down I was at 570 something.
You need to keep it down. Your voice is so loud and sarcastic that it makes the hair stand up on my back, see?
I’m sorry, Ms Bertha. I’ve had a rough day today what with the cripple race downtown and these pesky hiccups.
I’ll go get us some Maid Rite sandwiches and onion rings. Do you like onion rings?
I prefer French fries.
Okay, do you know what the other dogs prefer?
We all prefer the French fries.
I Apologize again, my hearing has gone dim so I talk loud to hear myself talk.
Don’t you talk to yourself?
Sure, but with numbers it’s better to say them out loud.
My uncle, Harry Caray, was famous for singing Take Me Out to the Ballgame during the 7th inning stretch. He sang Loud. The end of the song goes And it’s One Two Three Strikes You’re Out at the Ol’ Ball Game.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
I’ve figured it out, the whole meaning of the world, I’m suffering from hiccups so it’s hard to talk good, they come like every two seconds. I tried sticking my finger (unwashed for two days) down my throat to provoke a small puke but I didn’t get one.
I said, What the fuck? These hippie girls are expert pukers and I’ve seen them sticking their unwashed finger down their throat and puking in the bucket just as sure as you please.
What’s the secret there girl, said Thompson?
Ain’t no secret honey bunny. Somes got it and some don’t.
Okay now I was trying to get the meaning of the world in this post. Do you by chance know the meaning of the world?
Not offhand, no, but I can Google it. Maybe find something.
It has to mean something now. It can’t be all willy nilly and full of logistical holes. You shouldn’t be eating donuts for breakfast, you should go with the pancakes and link sausages.
I was thinking about the pancakes and link sausages.
If you give me a ride home I can point out Hugh’s Diner to you. You can’t get a better pancake and link sausage than his joint.
I said, What the fuck? These hippie girls are expert pukers and I’ve seen them sticking their unwashed finger down their throat and puking in the bucket just as sure as you please.
What’s the secret there girl, said Thompson?
Ain’t no secret honey bunny. Somes got it and some don’t.
Okay now I was trying to get the meaning of the world in this post. Do you by chance know the meaning of the world?
Not offhand, no, but I can Google it. Maybe find something.
It has to mean something now. It can’t be all willy nilly and full of logistical holes. You shouldn’t be eating donuts for breakfast, you should go with the pancakes and link sausages.
I was thinking about the pancakes and link sausages.
If you give me a ride home I can point out Hugh’s Diner to you. You can’t get a better pancake and link sausage than his joint.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Okay.
Do you like Janis Joplin?
Oh yes, of course.
Do you know her song Turtle Blues?
Love it.
You know I went out with Janis.
Don’t lie!
Nope, she told me, But If You Want to go out Drinking Honey, won’t you invite me along please?
She was a mean mean woman?
She didn’t mean no man no good.
But I enjoyed her company, she was full of fire and a free spirit. Beautiful really, so I don’t know, we just went out drinking.
Do you like Janis Joplin?
Oh yes, of course.
Do you know her song Turtle Blues?
Love it.
You know I went out with Janis.
Don’t lie!
Nope, she told me, But If You Want to go out Drinking Honey, won’t you invite me along please?
She was a mean mean woman?
She didn’t mean no man no good.
But I enjoyed her company, she was full of fire and a free spirit. Beautiful really, so I don’t know, we just went out drinking.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Okay : MEDICAL ALERT. —
I assume that chronic hiccups are not that common. The ones that come every two seconds and last for three plus hours. However, there might be some posters out there who are embarrassed by their chronic hiccups and don’t mention it on the board.
The best way to get rid of them is to sneeze several times. That’s not always possible. So we got to get a bit down and dirty. First, if you feel like you might throw up, give her all you got. That is the cure. I kid you not!
I have never stuck my finger down my throat. Until the last few days testing my tried and true theories.
Now I haven’t eaten a bite of food in four days. Nothing in my stomach. But I’m going to put my finger down my throat (twice usually) and make the bile or spit or whatever it is come up. It’s uncomfortable. However, that muscle or valve is going to move from the hiccup side to the new side where it can be of more help. Your hiccups will go away. I’ve tested this three times.
I assume that chronic hiccups are not that common. The ones that come every two seconds and last for three plus hours. However, there might be some posters out there who are embarrassed by their chronic hiccups and don’t mention it on the board.
The best way to get rid of them is to sneeze several times. That’s not always possible. So we got to get a bit down and dirty. First, if you feel like you might throw up, give her all you got. That is the cure. I kid you not!
I have never stuck my finger down my throat. Until the last few days testing my tried and true theories.
Now I haven’t eaten a bite of food in four days. Nothing in my stomach. But I’m going to put my finger down my throat (twice usually) and make the bile or spit or whatever it is come up. It’s uncomfortable. However, that muscle or valve is going to move from the hiccup side to the new side where it can be of more help. Your hiccups will go away. I’ve tested this three times.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
So know I’ve been experimenting with some other avenues to ease this affliction. I’m loathe to stick my finger down my mouth. Woke up this morning and my mule was gone.
(That means the dime bag of horse, heroin, is gone). It wasn’t stolen it was snorted up by yours truly.
So I’ve turned to the blues masters, the kings. Muddy Waters, Sonny Boy Williamson, Otis Spann, and probably the most important figure of that time, Willie Dixon. He wrote most these babies. He’s a genius.
Muddy is so rhythmic, so subtle. and very handsome. He’s a mean manish boy. I’m not quite sure how to describe Otis, except he is fascinating to watch and a terrific singer and piano player. Anybody who has purchased a Hohner blues harmonica knows who Sonny Boy Williamson is. Dixon plays stand up base, with style and grace. He’s another uncle of mine.
Anyway, to keep it short, I was reminded of the song penned by Dixon and sung by Muddy. It’s the refrain.
‘You can’t spend what you ain’t got /
You can’t lose what you ain’t never had’
(That means the dime bag of horse, heroin, is gone). It wasn’t stolen it was snorted up by yours truly.
So I’ve turned to the blues masters, the kings. Muddy Waters, Sonny Boy Williamson, Otis Spann, and probably the most important figure of that time, Willie Dixon. He wrote most these babies. He’s a genius.
Muddy is so rhythmic, so subtle. and very handsome. He’s a mean manish boy. I’m not quite sure how to describe Otis, except he is fascinating to watch and a terrific singer and piano player. Anybody who has purchased a Hohner blues harmonica knows who Sonny Boy Williamson is. Dixon plays stand up base, with style and grace. He’s another uncle of mine.
Anyway, to keep it short, I was reminded of the song penned by Dixon and sung by Muddy. It’s the refrain.
‘You can’t spend what you ain’t got /
You can’t lose what you ain’t never had’
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray