I think I’ll try to make it to Miss Claudia’s today. She’s got a biker boyfriend. He might know Keith Jagger. I’ll have to wait until the hurricane passes then put my pants on. I am feeling good about taking all my money out the bank in cash, because until that well runs dry I don’t need to go to the fucking ATM and get ripped off on both ends.
Now in my next class at college, I’m a professor now you know, I will impress upon my students the importance of knowing your numbers. I will use as an example the horse, heroin, situation. If a dime bag is a set price, a dime, how much would a half dollar bag run ya?
50 cents said the luscious little thing in the first row.
That is correct. But, Debbie, how many dimes do you need to pay for it.
You need to pay a half dollar coin.
No no no no. That entails going to the bank again. That’s why all of us in this class took all our money Out the bank, so we wouldn’t have to go back In the bank. That’s what we are trying to avoid, I believe they charge two pennies now for a coin exchange.
Well fuck that, said Debbie!
Right! How many dimes, Debbie?
Math is hard. Give me a couple minutes.
Five, said Debbie!
Okay let’s go shopping.
Really?
Sure. The whole class is going. We can learn our numbers good at the stores.
Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Moderators: Oggar, Badfellow, Mr Boozificator, Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, oettinger, Judge
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Now, none of you students have a credit card or debit card, right? You all closed out your bank accounts and turned in your cards and check books in exchange for the cash you got coming to you, right?
Yes, Mr Thompson.
What about you Debbie?
I do have a little card.
Hand it over right now or you can’t go shopping
with your class mates.
Debbie turned her little card over to Mr Thompson. He stuck it in his mouth and started chewing it, gnawing it, he had learned this technique of destruction from his dog Chester. There was nothing left of it. Poor Mr Thompson had another fit of hiccups and gave Debbie a stern look.
Okay, said Thompson, we are going to see how it feels to purchase our items with cash. Does everybody have loose change? I carry around a little coin purse, I believe I saw exact replicas on aisle three. All the students hustled over to aisle three.
Now, it’s best, if you can, to pay with the exact amount of change. That way you won’t get back an almost ripped apart dollar bill, or a quarter so full of grime it won’t go into the bus coin receptacle.
Now, said Thompson, remember the money you are paying is coming straight out your pocket. You ain’t getting it back. The question is, was the item you payed for worth it?
My items weren’t worth it, said Debbie.
Mine neither said Mark and Carol.
Right. That is why it’s called School. We all want to learn and keep learning. I paid too much for my shit too.
Boy, Mr Thompson, said Mark, I sure learned a lot today.
Well, we’ll go shopping again. Now, how ‘bout some Maid Rite sandwiches for lunch?
Fucking aye, all the students said at the same time.
Yes, Mr Thompson.
What about you Debbie?
I do have a little card.
Hand it over right now or you can’t go shopping
with your class mates.
Debbie turned her little card over to Mr Thompson. He stuck it in his mouth and started chewing it, gnawing it, he had learned this technique of destruction from his dog Chester. There was nothing left of it. Poor Mr Thompson had another fit of hiccups and gave Debbie a stern look.
Okay, said Thompson, we are going to see how it feels to purchase our items with cash. Does everybody have loose change? I carry around a little coin purse, I believe I saw exact replicas on aisle three. All the students hustled over to aisle three.
Now, it’s best, if you can, to pay with the exact amount of change. That way you won’t get back an almost ripped apart dollar bill, or a quarter so full of grime it won’t go into the bus coin receptacle.
Now, said Thompson, remember the money you are paying is coming straight out your pocket. You ain’t getting it back. The question is, was the item you payed for worth it?
My items weren’t worth it, said Debbie.
Mine neither said Mark and Carol.
Right. That is why it’s called School. We all want to learn and keep learning. I paid too much for my shit too.
Boy, Mr Thompson, said Mark, I sure learned a lot today.
Well, we’ll go shopping again. Now, how ‘bout some Maid Rite sandwiches for lunch?
Fucking aye, all the students said at the same time.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
They called Thompson into the main office. He had the hiccups again so he tried to stay silent, doing a bunch of nods and shit like that.
Mr Thompson, we brought you up here to tell you Dean Dunning has retired.
No.
Yes, he died in his sleep last night.
Thompson let a loud hiccup out. Everyone thought it was a moan from a broken hearted man. Then his eyes got all itchy so he rubbed ‘em good with his thumbs. Everyone thought he was crying.
You wouldn’t be interested in taking over for Dean Dunning, would you?
Well no, because I have lots of things on my plate right now that I have to finish. I do know a man, well respected and polished. He was a principal in our local high school until he fell down the stairs and had to relocate to Alaska for treatment. I just ran into him at Hugh’s Diner the other day. Want me to have a word with him?
Oh yes please! Tell him to come up to the main office. Oh this is good news. Thank you Mr Thompson.
Mr Thompson, we brought you up here to tell you Dean Dunning has retired.
No.
Yes, he died in his sleep last night.
Thompson let a loud hiccup out. Everyone thought it was a moan from a broken hearted man. Then his eyes got all itchy so he rubbed ‘em good with his thumbs. Everyone thought he was crying.
You wouldn’t be interested in taking over for Dean Dunning, would you?
Well no, because I have lots of things on my plate right now that I have to finish. I do know a man, well respected and polished. He was a principal in our local high school until he fell down the stairs and had to relocate to Alaska for treatment. I just ran into him at Hugh’s Diner the other day. Want me to have a word with him?
Oh yes please! Tell him to come up to the main office. Oh this is good news. Thank you Mr Thompson.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Thompson was crouched in the couch, watching the baseball game on the tv, and drinking a glass of beer. It was early afternoon on Saturday. There was an ever so slight knock on the door.
Yeah, said Thompson? Go away. The baseball game is on. Who is it?
It’s Debbie from How to Make It 101.
Well come on in. The door is open but it sticks, you have to push it.
Ooh, it smells funky in here, said Bebbie.
That’s because this is my room and I’ve been to school, learned my numbers, and have a bunch of old musty books laying around.
What can I do for you Debbie?
I’m afraid I let you down again, Mr Thompson. I shop lifted a pair of panties the other day on our shopping trip.
You What!, said Thompson?
I stole a pair of panties.
Go in the kitchen Right Now Debbie and wash your hands in the sink with hot scalding water, yelled Thompson.
Yeah, said Thompson? Go away. The baseball game is on. Who is it?
It’s Debbie from How to Make It 101.
Well come on in. The door is open but it sticks, you have to push it.
Ooh, it smells funky in here, said Bebbie.
That’s because this is my room and I’ve been to school, learned my numbers, and have a bunch of old musty books laying around.
What can I do for you Debbie?
I’m afraid I let you down again, Mr Thompson. I shop lifted a pair of panties the other day on our shopping trip.
You What!, said Thompson?
I stole a pair of panties.
Go in the kitchen Right Now Debbie and wash your hands in the sink with hot scalding water, yelled Thompson.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
What took you so long, said Thompson to Debbie?
Well, I had to wait a bit for the hot water to get scalding, then you know, when you listen to running water, you get the urge to pee, then I got the urge to do a number 2.
What color are the panties?
Green.
Have you worn them? Tell me the truth!
No sir, Mr Thompson.
Are you wearing panties now, not stolen panties?
Yes, I never go without panties.
Okay, I’m gonna grab me another beer and take a pull from the hard and ponder this. In the meantime I want you to take this new, unopened pair of white cotton men’s underpants and go to the bathroom and put these over your panties. They should fit, they are small. Then wash your hands again.
Well, I had to wait a bit for the hot water to get scalding, then you know, when you listen to running water, you get the urge to pee, then I got the urge to do a number 2.
What color are the panties?
Green.
Have you worn them? Tell me the truth!
No sir, Mr Thompson.
Are you wearing panties now, not stolen panties?
Yes, I never go without panties.
Okay, I’m gonna grab me another beer and take a pull from the hard and ponder this. In the meantime I want you to take this new, unopened pair of white cotton men’s underpants and go to the bathroom and put these over your panties. They should fit, they are small. Then wash your hands again.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
First of all Debbie these stores have all these horny preverts up in the ceiling watching for a girl like you. They have cameras in the dressing rooms and toilets. Oh, where are the pair of green panties?
In the car.
The car is here?
Yeah sure.
So what these preverts are doing right now is going through all the video of that day in slow motion so they can spot you. Then you will be blackmailed, then you will end up on prostitute’s row with nary a tooth left in your mouth and a half jug of Boone’s Farm in your pocket.
In the car.
The car is here?
Yeah sure.
So what these preverts are doing right now is going through all the video of that day in slow motion so they can spot you. Then you will be blackmailed, then you will end up on prostitute’s row with nary a tooth left in your mouth and a half jug of Boone’s Farm in your pocket.
Last edited by Thompson on Fri Sep 13, 2024 4:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Oh God, said Debbie!
Right, and if you can’t come up with the blackmail money, there are a lot of torture techniques with screwdrivers and crow bars.
But more important I thought you understood that the reason we closed are bank accounts is to buy our items with cash. If we steal an item then why do we have the cash, we could just steal all our items. But the logistics are tricky of stealing all our items. What I’m trying to say Debbie is if we pay cash for everything and keep vigilant and under the radar, there will be many opportunities for more cash. We want to stick with unmarked bills.
Right, and if you can’t come up with the blackmail money, there are a lot of torture techniques with screwdrivers and crow bars.
But more important I thought you understood that the reason we closed are bank accounts is to buy our items with cash. If we steal an item then why do we have the cash, we could just steal all our items. But the logistics are tricky of stealing all our items. What I’m trying to say Debbie is if we pay cash for everything and keep vigilant and under the radar, there will be many opportunities for more cash. We want to stick with unmarked bills.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Now I take you for a young woman who is adept at sizing people up, especially men. You can tell when you’re in control and when you ain’t.
Here is the plan. We are going to walk in the store together, slow like, I want the preverts up in the ceiling to sound the alert.
Then we (I) am going to buy a very conservative college girl outfit complete with shoes that are the exact opposite of Come Fuck Me shoes. I was thinking about a pair of baggy pants, but a plaid skirt below the knees might work better. I’m not sure. We can figure that out when we get there. The main thing for you is to work your magic in the dressing room, bending over three or four times, showing those white cotton men’s underpants.
I happen to know the manager is a prevert too because he hired all his prevert friends to peep from the ceiling. When he finds out about the men’s underpants he will want to see them.
Now I’m also going tell him how terribly disappointed I am with you. I’m not Debbie’s relative per se, I will tell the manager, I am her God Father, which I take very seriously, and I also teach her in my class at college How to Make It 101.
I will do all the talking unless I ask for a comment from you. I will hand the green panties over to him and insist you told the truth about not wearing them. He will most probably glance at you.
That’s when you will have to read him. Does he want what I say to be true or does he not. If he does not, then you know how to subtle it I’m sure. That’s maybe when you can give him a peek of the white cotton men’s underpants.
Think you can do it Debbie?
Piece of cake Mr Thompson.
Here is the plan. We are going to walk in the store together, slow like, I want the preverts up in the ceiling to sound the alert.
Then we (I) am going to buy a very conservative college girl outfit complete with shoes that are the exact opposite of Come Fuck Me shoes. I was thinking about a pair of baggy pants, but a plaid skirt below the knees might work better. I’m not sure. We can figure that out when we get there. The main thing for you is to work your magic in the dressing room, bending over three or four times, showing those white cotton men’s underpants.
I happen to know the manager is a prevert too because he hired all his prevert friends to peep from the ceiling. When he finds out about the men’s underpants he will want to see them.
Now I’m also going tell him how terribly disappointed I am with you. I’m not Debbie’s relative per se, I will tell the manager, I am her God Father, which I take very seriously, and I also teach her in my class at college How to Make It 101.
I will do all the talking unless I ask for a comment from you. I will hand the green panties over to him and insist you told the truth about not wearing them. He will most probably glance at you.
That’s when you will have to read him. Does he want what I say to be true or does he not. If he does not, then you know how to subtle it I’m sure. That’s maybe when you can give him a peek of the white cotton men’s underpants.
Think you can do it Debbie?
Piece of cake Mr Thompson.
Last edited by Thompson on Fri Sep 13, 2024 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
That was great. Good pacing. You were perfect, Debbie. Now we will wait for the store manager’s move. He might contact me, which would be best, but he’ll probably try you. In which case you will report directly to me and we will form a little blackmail action of our own.
You got any reefer, Debbie, said Thompson?
Yeah, I got three joints. Wanna smoke one?
Yes ma’am, then I need you to take me to the Biker Bar in the Quarter. I gotta pick up my hiccup powder.
What kind of powder is that, said Debbie?
It’s hiccup powder for horses. Or is it horse hiccup powder for people? I forget. It works, I snorted up a dime bag in one night and didn’t hiccup once. This time I’m getting 5 dime bags, or a half buck’s worth. There’s a tow away zone right in front of the bar and we can park there. I’ll keep an eye out while you ask one of the bikers at the bar about this fellow Keith Jagger. Hopefully he has the powder on him.
You got any reefer, Debbie, said Thompson?
Yeah, I got three joints. Wanna smoke one?
Yes ma’am, then I need you to take me to the Biker Bar in the Quarter. I gotta pick up my hiccup powder.
What kind of powder is that, said Debbie?
It’s hiccup powder for horses. Or is it horse hiccup powder for people? I forget. It works, I snorted up a dime bag in one night and didn’t hiccup once. This time I’m getting 5 dime bags, or a half buck’s worth. There’s a tow away zone right in front of the bar and we can park there. I’ll keep an eye out while you ask one of the bikers at the bar about this fellow Keith Jagger. Hopefully he has the powder on him.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Well Debbie, said Thompson, that was a productive afternoon. I’m going to work on a good blackmail scheme against the store manager should he come sniffing around, and he most probably will. But we will work this one together, put our minds together so to speak. He’s got a fancy ass car. Remember, we only settle for untraceable cash.
Thank you for driving. I can’t drive anymore. Would you like to come in for a beer? There’s another baseball game about to start. Good way to learn your numbers, watching baseball. Oh shit, there’s a couple of Maid Rite sandwiches in the fridge I can pop in the oven.
Okay, said Debbie, do you have any air freshener?
Har, in fact I do! But I can’t get it to spray!
Let me see it. You are some fucking character Mr Thompson.
I’m a school teacher child, for a while anyway.
Thank you for driving. I can’t drive anymore. Would you like to come in for a beer? There’s another baseball game about to start. Good way to learn your numbers, watching baseball. Oh shit, there’s a couple of Maid Rite sandwiches in the fridge I can pop in the oven.
Okay, said Debbie, do you have any air freshener?
Har, in fact I do! But I can’t get it to spray!
Let me see it. You are some fucking character Mr Thompson.
I’m a school teacher child, for a while anyway.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
C,mon out back, follow me, I will introduce you to the dogs. The bedroom on the right is where Myrna and Robot mostly live. They are humans and work a lot. To the left is the kitchen. We all hang out in there if there is something important to discuss.
Out here is the back yard with a double wide dog house is the home of The Dogs. From left to right, Chester who is my adopted son by the way. I gave him some schooling and enrolled him in the dog fighting training classes. These dogs here are all pit bulls by the way. Chester did good in the ring, made a few bucks, laid a few tricks on ‘em.
Next to Chester is Big Bertha. He was set to fight her in the ring but came up behind her and that was that. They were married on the spot by Miss Claudia who has the credentials. In the Thompson hold, we go by the motto, ‘You share my bed you share my name.’ Chester and Bertha smiled at Debbie and wagged their tails.
Next up is Runt. He was the runt of the litter when Bertha gave birth to eight puppies. Of course he was the runt, hence his name. The family of dogs took the eight puppies down to the Rouse Parking Lot to sell them.
I am not selling Runt, said Big Bertha!
Okay. How much should we sell the other puppies for?
$100 dollars cash money.
Out here is the back yard with a double wide dog house is the home of The Dogs. From left to right, Chester who is my adopted son by the way. I gave him some schooling and enrolled him in the dog fighting training classes. These dogs here are all pit bulls by the way. Chester did good in the ring, made a few bucks, laid a few tricks on ‘em.
Next to Chester is Big Bertha. He was set to fight her in the ring but came up behind her and that was that. They were married on the spot by Miss Claudia who has the credentials. In the Thompson hold, we go by the motto, ‘You share my bed you share my name.’ Chester and Bertha smiled at Debbie and wagged their tails.
Next up is Runt. He was the runt of the litter when Bertha gave birth to eight puppies. Of course he was the runt, hence his name. The family of dogs took the eight puppies down to the Rouse Parking Lot to sell them.
I am not selling Runt, said Big Bertha!
Okay. How much should we sell the other puppies for?
$100 dollars cash money.
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Did you bring the money purse, Bertha?
I also made our sign — “Pitt bull puppies for sale — 100 cash money per. No assholes will be allowed to buy any puppies.”
Right, said Chester. That will be my job to secure the puppies from assholes. I wouldn’t mind biting a human hand or leg until it bleeds.
Runt, in case you didn’t know, quickly moved up the ranks of professional Pitt bull fighter dogs. He’s known all the way to Alaska. Hasn’t lost a fight. Commands $200 just to appear in the ring. Known for his quick feet and sharp teeth, but he fools the other dogs with his shark eye zen look then plunges. A form of hypnotism to stun them then he bites their woodles off.
Last but not least is Matilda, the wife of Runt. Matilda is a fine dancer. She grabbed Runt’s paw and took him to the dancing floor where they put on a mighty good dancing show.
Gosh, said Debbie.
I also made our sign — “Pitt bull puppies for sale — 100 cash money per. No assholes will be allowed to buy any puppies.”
Right, said Chester. That will be my job to secure the puppies from assholes. I wouldn’t mind biting a human hand or leg until it bleeds.
Runt, in case you didn’t know, quickly moved up the ranks of professional Pitt bull fighter dogs. He’s known all the way to Alaska. Hasn’t lost a fight. Commands $200 just to appear in the ring. Known for his quick feet and sharp teeth, but he fools the other dogs with his shark eye zen look then plunges. A form of hypnotism to stun them then he bites their woodles off.
Last but not least is Matilda, the wife of Runt. Matilda is a fine dancer. She grabbed Runt’s paw and took him to the dancing floor where they put on a mighty good dancing show.
Gosh, said Debbie.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Thompson?
Yeah?
It’s Debbie, can I come in?
You have to push the door open, it sticks, said Thompson.
Holy fuck! What went wrong? Should I call an ambulance?
Don’t do that, Debbie, don’t call an ambulance.
I’m going to start crying.
Don’t do that, Debbie, don’t start crying.
Is this the result of the hiccup powder?
No, it’s something else. I haven’t snorted any hiccup powder today.
Give me your hand, said Debbie, let me feel.
Debbie felt Thompson’s hand and made some notes on her pad. There were some numbers that she wrote down on her pad too.
Yeah?
It’s Debbie, can I come in?
You have to push the door open, it sticks, said Thompson.
Holy fuck! What went wrong? Should I call an ambulance?
Don’t do that, Debbie, don’t call an ambulance.
I’m going to start crying.
Don’t do that, Debbie, don’t start crying.
Is this the result of the hiccup powder?
No, it’s something else. I haven’t snorted any hiccup powder today.
Give me your hand, said Debbie, let me feel.
Debbie felt Thompson’s hand and made some notes on her pad. There were some numbers that she wrote down on her pad too.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Bertha, yelled Debbie!
Yes?
This is Debbie, we met the other day. There is something wrong with Thompson, can you come have a look see?
Bertha pushed the back door open and came in to have a look see at Thompson.
Did you call an ambulance, said Big Bertha?
No, said Debbie, Thompson didn’t want me to.
That’s good. If the hospital gets hold of Thompson again they will never let him out. We will have to mend him here.
How?
I don’t know. Let me see your note pad. What do these numbers mean?
Pulse, temperature, and blood pressure, said Debbie.
These numbers look fairly good.
Do you think he’s gone over the edge, like bonkers, or worse? Doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground?
No, child, Thompson knows his ass from a hole in the ground.
Well then, what? I’m going to start crying again.
Hold up on that if you can, Debbie. I’m going to try an experiment on Thompson.
Yes?
This is Debbie, we met the other day. There is something wrong with Thompson, can you come have a look see?
Bertha pushed the back door open and came in to have a look see at Thompson.
Did you call an ambulance, said Big Bertha?
No, said Debbie, Thompson didn’t want me to.
That’s good. If the hospital gets hold of Thompson again they will never let him out. We will have to mend him here.
How?
I don’t know. Let me see your note pad. What do these numbers mean?
Pulse, temperature, and blood pressure, said Debbie.
These numbers look fairly good.
Do you think he’s gone over the edge, like bonkers, or worse? Doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground?
No, child, Thompson knows his ass from a hole in the ground.
Well then, what? I’m going to start crying again.
Hold up on that if you can, Debbie. I’m going to try an experiment on Thompson.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray
Re: Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health
Thompson, can you hear me? This is Big Bertha.
Yes, I can hear you.
How does your leg feel?
Feels fine, why?
What about your arm?
Now that motherfucker hurts something fierce.
Thompson?
What?
You have upset Debbie and caused great concern with your students in the How to Make It 101 class. Imagine the professor, the mentor, the man, unable to make it? That can not happen.
No, that can not happen. That is mathematically impossible, said Thompson.
All right, here, blow your nose and drink this glass of beer, said Bertha.
That is mathematically impossible, repeated Thompson. This beer is good and cold, thank you Big Bertha.
Yes, I can hear you.
How does your leg feel?
Feels fine, why?
What about your arm?
Now that motherfucker hurts something fierce.
Thompson?
What?
You have upset Debbie and caused great concern with your students in the How to Make It 101 class. Imagine the professor, the mentor, the man, unable to make it? That can not happen.
No, that can not happen. That is mathematically impossible, said Thompson.
All right, here, blow your nose and drink this glass of beer, said Bertha.
That is mathematically impossible, repeated Thompson. This beer is good and cold, thank you Big Bertha.
‘Talk is cheap, whiskey costs money.’ — Harry Caray