It's Festivus

[Badfellow]

Our resident vodka pimp Old$mart$kink had a rather brilliant suggestion: a

FESTIVUS POLE DECORATION & DANCE CONTEST!!!

Sponsored by The Hole and the Jimmy Lester Get Bent Benefit Fund.

Yes! Air your every grievance through expressive decoration of your own sacred pole! Use broken glass! Stolen baby Jesuses! Tinsel and dead cats! It's all up to you as we celebrate the enfuckening of St. Festivus and the miracle of apathy through drink and erratic behavior!

Prizes may include:

*Mat pours

*Taco Bell napkins

*Mystery sex with strange Lithuanian men

*All you can eat soup, salad and breadsticks at The Olive Garden

*Cocktails mixed way too strong with Everclear



I'm decorating my pole as we speak.

[Artful Drunktective]

It has now been deemed mandatory by the Jimmy Lester Get Bent Benefit Security Administration for everyone to go caroling after the dance contest only everybody has to sing in a different accent. Except for Oett and OldSkunk of course. Keep it real Punkin’s. Keep it real.

Also, a new Festivus tradition will be established much like the Christmas tradition I had of hiding the German pickle. Only perhaps use a gourd or something instead. That would be fun!***

Moving on…it isn’t specified whether this list is regarding more pole decorating tips or more possible prizes (perhaps interchangeable) but it includes:

*quahog clams
*hot pepper Christmas lights
*used condoms
*used diapers
*Cheddar Bay biscuits from Red Lobster
*Gift certificates to Red Lobster
*Miley Cyrus pasties
*Dolly Parton's bras
*Shreds of paper from the shredder at the Hole
*chicken wing bones
*empty Rebenschoppen wine boxes
*Wallet size portrait photos of Jimmy Lester’s family

So… who wants to be the first one wrestled down and pinned to the ground to kick off the Feats of Strength? I got a mean cement mixer!

***Hiding the German pickle is not what you think, arschlochs.

[mistah willies]

...everybody has to sing in a different accent. Except for Oett and OldSkunk of course.

Ooh, ooh, I can do an Injun accent real good.

[oettinger]

I bet dolly parton bras sell for up to 800 bucks on ebay. What a decadent garnish

[Badfellow]

Does your Festivus pole have boobs?

[Artful Drunktective]

...everybody has to sing in a different accent. Except for Oett and OldSkunk of course.

Ooh, ooh, I can do an Injun accent real good.

That is freaking hilarious and pretty much how I envisioned the Festivus caroling.

[oldsmartskunk]

Happy festivus!

[oettinger]

First day of family stuff behind me. Food was crap, drinks sucked. Especially that scotish ale was horrendus. Atleast it came in at 9.0 alc by volume. Now I`m back home ready to load myself

[Badfellow]

Things with which you might decorate your Festivus Pole

*Trucker hats
*Sardines
*Urine samples
*Empty cans of malt liquor/cartons of bumwine
*Barbie scalps
*Fried rice
*Midgets
*Tampons
*Naked pictures of Wilford Brimley and Christie Brinkley
*Taco Bell napkins
*Rohypnol
*Jesus Malverde figurines
*Dog poop
*The Clapper
*Dick eagle feathers
*Cheetos
*David Hasselhoff CD
*Reichsmarks
*Stripper glitter
*Fake nose and porn mustache
*Ham sammiches (to eat later)
*Greasy fingerprints
*Laser light show with fog machine
*Full keg of beer and tapper
*Spiral staircase
*Hockey mask
*Hard candies
*Sharp, whirling blades
*Stolen cop car lights
*Vintage vinyl copy of Led Zeppelin IV
*Mutilated Beanie Babies
*Parking tickets
*Alien alloys
*Hydrolized soy protein
*Sparkly things
*Blood diamonds
*Chilled monkey brains
*Dirty socks
*Hippie beads
*Stop signs
*Rolling papers
*Bar rags
*Cadillac hood ornaments
*Fart noises
*Marlboro miles
*Moose testicles
*Pizza crusts
*Gonorrhea
*Empty shell casings
*Cobra Commander action figure
*Barbed wire
*Your mother's fine china
*Raw shrimp
*60 lbs. weights
*Cigarette butts
*Cannonball Run II
*Motivational sayings
*The Necronomicon
*Three liters of cider
*My pal Foot Foot
*Helicopter landing pad
*Nipple clips
*Batman costume
*Hobo ears
*Confederate flags
*Drilled holes
*Caged bashers
*Buckets and buckets of rum

[oettinger]

Don`t forget

*Le Hoff dolls
*Tommy Lee Roth
*Burning tire
*Double S TD
*Used Tampons
*Condoms, any state of usage
*a bone
*Mustard
*Gas
*Anne Franks hitchhikers guide to ausschwitz
*A homeless family
*`Don`t forget to decorate your liver
*Drivers liscence
*a decent internetcontourtion
*bag of chips
*Jordan High Heels
*Multiple bags of hot AND cold air, mix em
*Stupid points ..................
*T Rex
*A Red Lamborghini
*Sammy Davis Sr.
* Metallica - the shit album

[Bubblez]

I would like Santa to give me some Lagavuilin 16 plz.

My Satan umm Santa did just that

[Badfellow]

HAPPY FESTIVUS 2019 TO ALL!!!

Air your grievances! Air your skivvies! It is now 2019 and yet, like a galvanized steel pole that gathers no moss, Festivus rolls on!

Also, Feats of Strength has been changed to the Feast of Drinking and Smoking. Tickets are free, but booze is as much as it costs.

[Artful Drunktective]

I got my pole up!

And the Festivus festivities from previous years past are still in tradition so don't forget!

Our resident vodka pimp Old$mart$kink had a rather brilliant suggestion: a

FESTIVUS POLE DECORATION & DANCE CONTEST!!!

Sponsored by The Hole and the Jimmy Lester Get Bent Benefit Fund.

Yes! Air your every grievance through expressive decoration of your own sacred pole! Use broken glass! Stolen baby Jesuses! Tinsel and dead cats! It's all up to you as we celebrate the enfuckening of St. Festivus and the miracle of apathy through drink and erratic behavior!

Prizes may include:

*Mat pours

*Taco Bell napkins

*Mystery sex with strange Lithuanian men

*All you can eat soup, salad and breadsticks at The Olive Garden

*Cocktails mixed way too strong with Everclear



I'm decorating my pole as we speak.

It has now been deemed mandatory by the Jimmy Lester Get Bent Benefit Security Administration for everyone to go caroling after the dance contest only everybody has to sing in a different accent. Except for Oett and OldSkunk of course. Keep it real Punkin’s. Keep it real.

Also, a new Festivus tradition will be established much like the Christmas tradition I had of hiding the German pickle. Only perhaps use a gourd or something instead. That would be fun!***

Moving on…it isn’t specified whether this list is regarding more pole decorating tips or more possible prizes (perhaps interchangeable) but it includes:

*quahog clams
*hot pepper Christmas lights
*used condoms
*used diapers
*Cheddar Bay biscuits from Red Lobster
*Gift certificates to Red Lobster
*Miley Cyrus pasties
*Dolly Parton's bras
*Shreds of paper from the shredder at the Hole
*chicken wing bones
*empty Rebenschoppen wine boxes
*Wallet size portrait photos of Jimmy Lester’s family

So… who wants to be the first one wrestled down and pinned to the ground to kick off the Feats of Strength? I got a mean cement mixer!

***Hiding the German pickle is not what you think, arschlochs.

[Badfellow]

Also...

My mille tequila grazi to Mr. Daniel Lawrence O' Keefe, the creator of Festivus and probably the inspiration for "I am Jack's liver".

You sorry sops and space monkeys, keep that Festivus faith alive!

[Artful Drunktective]