The Crappy Jokes thread!

[Palinka (RIP)]

...i'm totally punching you in the dick.

[Badfellow]

[Lush City]

This gave me a hernia!

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

Could have easily been a Polak joke...

[Palinka (RIP)]

...A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman...

[Lush City]

Who was the first computer programmer?
Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

(crickets)

What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A fucking know-it-all.

Wow, tough crowd. How's a guy gonna make a living here?

[Smatter Noguts]

A girl meets a handsome guy at the bar, they get smashed, and he takes her home. While he's preparing a nightcap, she snoops around, and in his bedroom is a wall of teddy bears, large ones on the row on top, medium in the middle, and small ones on the bottom shelf.

Smitten with his sensitivity, she immediately beds him, rests, and goes at it again.

Exhausted, she asks, "Was it good for you?"

Smiling, he turns to her and says, "You can have any of those from the second shelf."

[oettinger]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[oettinger]

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow.
Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"
And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, "Shhhh! They are about to land"

[Lush City]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Dood! You are killing me.

[Palinka (RIP)]

super small font- you pat, you.
that's how it works, right?

Have you never heard the expression, "The Devil is in the detail"?

So, a Police Officer has the unpleasant task of visiting a 14-year-old lad to tell him the terrible news that both of his parents have tragically died in a car accident, that very night.
The boy is, understandably distraught.
The Police Officer, feeling both out of his depth and great sympathy for the boy, asks, "Have you any family that I could call for you?"
The lad shakes his head, still sobbing.
"Well", says the Policeman, "How about a neighbour?"
The boy snivels a negative.
The Officer, desperate not to leave the boy to weep the night away, asks, "Shall I get a Priest to come over?"
The boy stares at him and angrily asks, "Why on Earth would I want to have sex at a time like this?!?"

[Savage]

I'd tell the one about the kangaroo, but I don't want to be 86'd again.

[Smatter Noguts]

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

[Badfellow]

Did you know copper wire was invented by a Scotsman?

Two, actually. They were fighting over a penny.

[Frankennietzsche]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They

were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died

before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the

American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and

nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a

beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing

at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were

all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to

the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50,

and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the

other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the

price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

[Dale]

I GOT THE CRAPPIEST JOKE POSSIBLE:

The American says: "We have so much freedom here, I pissedd right in front of the White House!"
The Russiian sayss:"We have so much freedom here, I crapped right at tthe Kreml!"

The American: "OK, to be honest. I looked beforehand, that nobody sees me."
The Russian. " OK, to be honest, I kept my pants on..."