The Crappy Jokes thread!

[Patchez]

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey and vinegar?























Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!

[oettinger]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Lush City]

What sound does a Mexican kick start motorcycle make?
Cabronne... Cabronne...
Putah, Putah, Putah, Putah, Putah....

[mistah willies]

Man, thats like the old watwr sprinkler joke.


Never say it

Damned bad, when i heard it

[Badfellow]

Why do Mexicans eat beans before they go to bed?
So they can take a bubble-bath in the morning!

*
*
*

So, there's a guy from Minnesota, a guy from Wisconsin and a guy from Iowa who go ice fishing. The guys from MN and WI are in the cab of the pick-up truck while the guy from Iowa rides in the open back. Suddenly the truck plunges through the ice and sinks like a stone along with all three men into the cold water.

The guy from Minnesota comes up almost immediately followed by the guy from Wisconsin. Several minutes pass as they shiver and wait for the Iowan to surface. He finally does and they ask "You were riding in back. What the hell took you so long?"

To which the Iowan replies, "Yeah I would have been up sooner but I had some trouble getting the tailgate open."

[Lush City]

Man, thats like the old watwr sprinkler joke.


Never say it

Damned bad, when i heard it

Yeah, sounds like you are suffering from white guilt. Back in the day told this to the Mexicans I was working with and they all laughed. They are great folks.

[Palinka (RIP)]

Yeah, sounds like you are suffering from white guilt...

Mistah Willies is from a tribe of real Americans. You know, the guys that were already there before whitey arrived (with slaves in tow) and gave thanks to the indigenous populations with smallpox ridden blankets, wholsale slaughter and resevations.

...Back in the day told this to the Mexicans I was working with and they all laughed. They are great folks.

Of course they'll laugh with the man that's paying their wages. And when they get home they'll warn their kin to stay away.

[Smatter Noguts]

Yeah, sounds like you are suffering from white guilt...

Mistah Willies is from a tribe of real Americans. You know, the guys that were already there before whitey arrived (with slaves in tow) and gave thanks to the indigenous populations with smallpox ridden blankets, wholsale slaughter and resevations.

...Back in the day told this to the Mexicans I was working with and they all laughed. They are great folks.

Of course they'll laugh with the man that's paying their wages. And when they get home they'll warn their kin to stay away.

We celebrated the end of original sin yesterday.

[oettinger]

We celebrated the end of original sin yesterday.

Mr. Elton John concurs
The "original" original sin is a hefty drink according to this tune. Just replace the women/love thing in the lyrics with drink, makes pefect sense!

Yes drink!!!

Oh, it's carnival night
And they're stringing the lights around you
Hanging paper angels
Painting little devils on the roof

Oh the furnace wind
Is a flickering of wings about your face
In a cloud of incense
Yea, it smells like Heaven in this place

I can't eat, can't sleep
Still I hunger for you when you look at me
That face, those eyes
All the sinful pleasures deep inside

Tell me how, you know now, the ways and means of getting in
Underneath my skin,
Oh you were always my original sin
And tell me why, I shudder inside, every time we begin
This dangerous game
Oh you were always my original sin

A dream will fly
The moment that you open up your eyes
A dream is just a riddle
Ghosts from every corner of your life

Up in the balcony
All the Romeo's are bleeding for your hand
Blowing theater kisses
Reciting lines they don't understand

[mistah willies]

There should be no more white guilt. Instead, there should be the end of continued obstacles thrown in the way of folks who work try to make it on our own, right?

All of us.

Now back to Crappy Jokes!


Old man on a Moped bike putters up to a stoplight next to a young man in a Lamborghini and gives him the ole thumbs-up.

Young fella nods back.

Old guy leans over and rests his frail arm on the side of the car, says, “Hey there you young buck! Sweet looking ride you got here. Wanna race?"

He winks.


Young guy doesn’t even look back. Light turns green, and he lets off the brake and floors the accelerator.


Gone, baby gone. He smiles at himself.


In the rear view mirror, he sees something catching up to him.

Thinks to himself, da hell with that shit.


He shifts to second gear and floors it, and just then the old man whips by him, bottles of cheap booze flying out from his rear basket smashing all over the place.


What the fuck?


All of a sudden, the old man comes whizzing by from up ahead, back the other way, feet up in the air, holding onto the Moped’s handle bars with white knuckles. “Heyyyyy!”

…and fades back out of view in the rearview mirror.


This could not be?


Young guy slams to a stop and scratches his noggin. No way could that old man out dri-


Suddenly there is a loud crash as the old man slams into the rear of the fancy sportscar and bottles crash all over the damned road.


Young guy runs over and says, “Hey old man! What in the hell kind of bike you driving?”

Old guy says back, “I’ll tell ya, sonny, if you first unhook my suspenders from your side mirror!”

[Lush City]

...Back in the day told this to the Mexicans I was working with and they all laughed. They are great folks.

Of course they'll laugh with the man that's paying their wages. And when they get home they'll warn their kin to stay away.

Sorry to foil your attempt to stir the pot but we were all working for the same employer. LOL!

[Miklo]

Part of being able to move past racial barriers is to laugh at them. I am Mexican on one side and Polish/Irish on the other, I can laugh at spic jokes or stupid polock jokes, just like I would guess that you can laugh at whatever race you are jokes. People should lighten up, America has become so pussified, you say nigger and some arigant asshole who overheard the comment will try to sue you, or kick your ass. Seriously, grow the fuck up... man up...and have a fucking drink.

Enough of my rant.

What do you call a school bus full of white kids
a twinky

What do you call a white man in prison
a child molester

How do you starve a black man
put is food stamps under his work boots

What do you call a mexican baptism
a bean dip

[oettinger]

Part of being able to move past racial barriers is to laugh at them. I am Mexican on one side and Polish/Irish on the other, I can laugh at spic jokes or stupid polock jokes, just like I would guess that you can laugh at whatever race you are jokes. People should lighten up, America has become so pussified, you say nigger and some arigant asshole who overheard the comment will try to sue you, or kick your ass. Seriously, grow the fuck up... man up...and have a fucking drink.

True.
Try this one I just made up myself:
After chocking on my bloody vomit the whole day I turned from white to blue, haven`t seen jokes about that colour yet!

[Palinka (RIP)]

...I turned from white to blue, haven`t seen jokes about that colour yet!

So, you've never heard of The Bonzo Dog Doo Da Band, then?

[oettinger]

...I turned from white to blue, haven`t seen jokes about that colour yet!

So, you've never heard of The Bonzo Dog Doo Da Band, then?

Thank you a lot, Joe says