An open letter to hard seltzer

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Badfellow
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An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Badfellow »

Dear hard seltzer,

How popular you’ve become as of late. Everywhere I turn, there you seem to be on bar menus and in advertisements. Even breweries have forgotten they are brewers in a mad dash for the slightest fraction of hard seltzer market shares. How garish are the colors of your label in concealment of your true content, so pale and void of backbone, so wanting for potable character.

Yes, hard seltzer, you are the bastard son of Zima. You are the wine cooler of today gone tomorrow. When the gimmickry of your carbonation and crappy fruit flavorings have been removed, you’re just water in a can. I’d rather have a real drink.

Sincerely,
Badfellow







Very proud of myself that I didn’t swear once in that entire fucking letter.
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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by benitobeast69 »

i got a 3 x 12 packs of hard seltzers for free last summer....they were the brewdog ones so while still bullshit were probably a little better than most, they had a tropical/mango one that was actually bordering on tasty..

the other advantage that they were at least 5%.

anyway seen as I had them for free and my commitment to never pouring away booze is stronger than my commitment to not drinking daft as fuck drinks I drank them all...

One advantage was that I got drunk and woke up with zero hangover whatsoever, literally felt like I hadn't drank at all pretty much.

Was hard work getting through them all though as they got very boring and felt more gassy than drinking beer. About half way through i started adding ice which improved them a lot as it cut the carbonation down.
Hangover cure: Rigorous sex, hydration, hot bath, then "go up for half an hour in an open aeroplane." - Kinglsey Amis

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Rye and Coke »

This is the goddamn intervention that we needed....

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Merchant Seaman »

Badfellow wrote:
Sat Jun 26, 2021 8:21 am
Dear hard seltzer,

How popular you’ve become as of late. Everywhere I turn, there you seem to be on bar menus and in advertisements. Even breweries have forgotten they are brewers in a mad dash for the slightest fraction of hard seltzer market shares. How garish are the colors of your label in concealment of your true content, so pale and void of backbone, so wanting for potable character.

Yes, hard seltzer, you are the bastard son of Zima. You are the wine cooler of today gone tomorrow. When the gimmickry of your carbonation and crappy fruit flavorings have been removed, you’re just water in a can. I’d rather have a real drink.

Sincerely,
Badfellow


Very proud of myself that I didn’t swear once in that entire fucking letter.
Never had one, I have drank Limeratias (SP?) that were on sale at a gas station, but isn't a hard seltzer just club soda and vodka with a splash of lime?
Back in my youth, in the 70's I remember wine coolers, never drank one, but I do recall the girls that did, and most of the time, they were in fact the girls that did.

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Hugh »

I drank Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers back in the 80's. Are those things still around? Seems like I remember seeing them on the shelf around here not too long ago.

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Badfellow »

Bartles & Jaymes is still a thing, holding on for dear life like a refugee mother clutching her baby in a typhoon.



You may recall: back in 1993 Frank Bartles murdered Ed Jaymes during a heated dispute over a parcheesi match. Of course, famous trial lawyer Johnny Cochran was able to get Bartles acquitted before a grand jury. However, within a year Bartles would be found dead of an alleged heroin overdose in the hot tub of his Malibu, California estate.
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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Badfellow »

Merchant Seaman wrote:
Sat Jun 26, 2021 5:19 pm
Never had one, I have drank Limeratias (SP?) that were on sale at a gas station, but isn't a hard seltzer just club soda and vodka with a splash of lime?
I included some hard facts on hard seltzer for your benefit:

*Hard seltzer is force carbonated water with 5% grain alcohol and some sort of flavoring agent involved. While natural flavors are often used in lieu of artificial, the ingredients rarely if ever contain any actual fruit juices (one exception is beet juice which is sometimes used in fractional amounts to add color).

*Hard seltzer costs a fraction of the price to produce compared to beer or wine. No time consuming fermentation is needed; you just buy your 190 alcohol wholesale and blend it in with whatever flavoring you want to add. The product is force carbonated in a tank under pressure and ready to go within 24 hours.

*It is almost impossible to get properly drunk or even buzzed on hard seltzer alone. As Benito mentioned above, the process is prohibitively gassy and tedious. Drinking a dozen cans or so will also keep your pissing schedule solidly booked. Ask yourself, do you want to waste valuable drinking time with all that pissing and bubble gut?


In short, fellow Drunkards, I hope to expose hard seltzer for the charlatan and fraud that it is.
ພາສາລາວNONE GENUINE WITHOUT MY SIGNATUREພາສາລາວ

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by scream ale »

I've never understood the hard seltzer craze. I agree that it sounds like the bastard son of Zima. I also don't the whole beer tasting like fruit juice and soda pop thing. Then again there's very little about the world I understand.

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Badfellow »

Sounds like you have a solid handle on the things in life that matter. All that other shit is just information.
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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Rye and Coke »

I was at the liquor store yesterday and some woman was buying the shit by the case. I was shocked and appalled.

It looks like they've cornered the market with the Sex in the City crowd, who have given us some horrible drinking trends, so yeah.
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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by benitobeast69 »

it's just become really heavily available here with 8-10 different brand names taking up isles in the supermarkets....that being said I have literally never seen anyone buy any. Like not even once...I've never heard any Brit talk about drinking it let alone liking it.

I can't see it taking off here at all.

All that being said I am a 33 year old man....I would assume that I'm not in their target demographic and that I don't spend a lot of time with people in their target demographic.....so I could well be wrong.
Hangover cure: Rigorous sex, hydration, hot bath, then "go up for half an hour in an open aeroplane." - Kinglsey Amis

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by scream ale »

^^^^ I have never once seen anyone purchase hard seltzer nor have I met anyone that drinks it.
I do however frequently see the empty cans tossed any and everywhere I go walking.

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Merchant Seaman »

Badfellow wrote:
Sun Jun 27, 2021 8:20 am
Merchant Seaman wrote:
Sat Jun 26, 2021 5:19 pm
Never had one, I have drank Limeratias (SP?) that were on sale at a gas station, but isn't a hard seltzer just club soda and vodka with a splash of lime?
I included some hard facts on hard seltzer for your benefit:

*Hard seltzer is force carbonated water with 5% grain alcohol and some sort of flavoring agent involved. While natural flavors are often used in lieu of artificial, the ingredients rarely if ever contain any actual fruit juices (one exception is beet juice which is sometimes used in fractional amounts to add color).

*Hard seltzer costs a fraction of the price to produce compared to beer or wine. No time consuming fermentation is needed; you just buy your 190 alcohol wholesale and blend it in with whatever flavoring you want to add. The product is force carbonated in a tank under pressure and ready to go within 24 hours.

*It is almost impossible to get properly drunk or even buzzed on hard seltzer alone. As Benito mentioned above, the process is prohibitively gassy and tedious. Drinking a dozen cans or so will also keep your pissing schedule solidly booked. Ask yourself, do you want to waste valuable drinking time with all that pissing and bubble gut?


In short, fellow Drunkards, I hope to expose hard seltzer for the charlatan and fraud that it is.
So...
Club soda and everclear

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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by Artful Drunktective »

Hugh wrote:
Sat Jun 26, 2021 6:41 pm
I drank Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers back in the 80's. Are those things still around? Seems like I remember seeing them on the shelf around here not too long ago.
Please tell me that when you were drinking them that you didn't refer to yourself as "tipsy" much like the girls the Merchant Seaman was referring to. Wine coolers = "tipsy" because they are impossible to get drunk off of. People really shouldn't use the word tipsy. It's offensive.
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Re: An open letter to hard seltzer

Post by benitobeast69 »

Merchant Seaman wrote:
Mon Jun 28, 2021 2:43 am
Badfellow wrote:
Sun Jun 27, 2021 8:20 am
Merchant Seaman wrote:
Sat Jun 26, 2021 5:19 pm
Never had one, I have drank Limeratias (SP?) that were on sale at a gas station, but isn't a hard seltzer just club soda and vodka with a splash of lime?
I included some hard facts on hard seltzer for your benefit:

*Hard seltzer is force carbonated water with 5% grain alcohol and some sort of flavoring agent involved. While natural flavors are often used in lieu of artificial, the ingredients rarely if ever contain any actual fruit juices (one exception is beet juice which is sometimes used in fractional amounts to add color).

*Hard seltzer costs a fraction of the price to produce compared to beer or wine. No time consuming fermentation is needed; you just buy your 190 alcohol wholesale and blend it in with whatever flavoring you want to add. The product is force carbonated in a tank under pressure and ready to go within 24 hours.

*It is almost impossible to get properly drunk or even buzzed on hard seltzer alone. As Benito mentioned above, the process is prohibitively gassy and tedious. Drinking a dozen cans or so will also keep your pissing schedule solidly booked. Ask yourself, do you want to waste valuable drinking time with all that pissing and bubble gut?


In short, fellow Drunkards, I hope to expose hard seltzer for the charlatan and fraud that it is.
So...
Club soda and everclear
the Brewdog ones that I tried for free (notice I keep reiterating that point hahah) were made with their own Lone Wolf vodka according to the tin...so they would just be fairly decent vodka, sparkling water and fruit flavorings.
Hangover cure: Rigorous sex, hydration, hot bath, then "go up for half an hour in an open aeroplane." - Kinglsey Amis

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