Lady Savage's Grumpy Chronicles

[Savage]

Titan? Is that its name? Well I rode in it for the first time, and it was so smooth, even going over our town's gaping potholes and cavernous drainage ditch lines. This purchase has been a long time coming, as in our family, we drive our vehicles until they are total beaters, and then we beat them for a few more years, until, one day, they shudder, gasp, and die.

In my case, my Phil died on the freeway, in the fast lane, at 75 miles per hour, seventy, sixty, fifty, forty, thirty--as I tried frantically to change lanes, but of course, every a**hole in the world was in roadrage mode that day. By the time I got to the exiting lane, Phil was shuddering along at about fifteen miles an hour, and I was leaning on the horn, while my daughter was screaming out the window, trying to get the nearly deaf Grumpy's attention (he was driving his truck a mere coupla cars ahead of us) It was back in 2007, and my daughter had a cell phone, but Grumpy and I did not, so no hope there. Eventually, he noticed, reversed a few hundred feet, tied a line to my car and towed us off the deathway.

I swear, some of those morons on the freeway were trying to cause an accident! I was terrified, because a few times, some asshat came very close to sideswiping the side of the car where my little grandson sat in his carseat. What the hell is wrong with some people?

And Grumpy's old truck? 1999 Dodge, bought used, of course. One of our long-time neighbors complimented him on the purchase of the Ford, saying "Yeah, that old truck of yours was getting pretty loud." Well, Grumpy does have to leave for work at four in the morning, so I suppose neighbor had a point.

[Red]

>In my case, my Phil died on the freeway, in the fast lane, at 75 miles per hour, seventy, sixty, fifty, forty, thirty--as I tried frantically to change lanes, but of course, every a**hole in the world was in roadrage mode that day.

HELLO. Nightmare mode: ON

[Savage]

Grumpy is about to enter his second retirement. How do you think I should kill him? No, seriously, a non-working Grumpy is an unhappy Grumpy. And I get cranky. He needs to do something. You know, that is why old men die and old women live forever. Because we can never retire. What the hell is he going to do on Monday morning? He is used to getting up at 3 am and driving to work and yelling at people all day. If he yells at me, I will throw a cast iron skillet at his head. He already has a gardener so he is one spoiled boy at home. (I don't do yards. I am allergic to the outdoors.)

He already loves to sit in his recliner and drink bourbon. Does anyone know what he should do in his very old age?

[Hugh]

Tell him to build electronic circuits: https://www.teachersource.com/product/c ... H8QAvD_BwE

Or take up a heroin habit.

[Merchant Seaman]

What was his first retirement?

And for that matter, what is his second?

Where are you guys?

If you wish I can provide a list of books and movies, that may keep him busy.

Or...

There's this job

https://www.cnbc.com/2015/01/09/dream-j ... aster.html

[Badfellow]

Or take up a heroin habit.

What ever happened to a good, old fashioned opium addiction? This country is going to hell.

[Rye and Coke]

Grumpy is about to enter his second retirement. How do you think I should kill him? No, seriously, a non-working Grumpy is an unhappy Grumpy. And I get cranky. He needs to do something. You know, that is why old men die and old women live forever. Because we can never retire. What the hell is he going to do on Monday morning? He is used to getting up at 3 am and driving to work and yelling at people all day. If he yells at me, I will throw a cast iron skillet at his head. He already has a gardener so he is one spoiled boy at home. (I don't do yards. I am allergic to the outdoors.)

He already loves to sit in his recliner and drink bourbon. Does anyone know what he should do in his very old age?

Maybe he should vlog

you could do his makeup and provide side commentary like a sassier Robin to his Howard Stern

[oettinger]

Model planes, or bottled ships maybe. Does he get the shakes after drinking?

Fire the gardener. That keeps my father in better shape than me

[scream ale]

If I live long enough to retire I would love to take up gardening full time.
Work with plants all day, get shit hammered all night looking at my handywork. Fuckin live the dream.

[ThirstyDrunk]

He should use his time to push society towards betterment via donating his time to something usefui'
I think i have the thing. There is a secret non gov't operation called Cart Narcs.
Check 'em out this looks like fun.

Cart Narcs

[Badfellow]

He could collect all the pieces for the Franklin Mint Civil War Chess Set.

There is a secret non gov't operation called Cart Narcs.

Snitches get stitches.

[Dear Booze]

First of all, congratulations to him for achieving the rank of Major.

Typically, most military branches will promote those who sign up for another couple of years. If I were you, I would try talking him into going for Lieutenant Colonel. the bump from 0-4 to 0-5 can be an extra $19,000 per year. Then he can leave with a much higher retirement.

Think about it. Two years will go by fast. Then you can both afford to travel more, or maybe purchase some rental property, which will keep him pretty busy.

You're welcome.

[Badfellow]

Perhaps his yelling and snoring would serve as subject material for a new reality TV show. We’re at a unique point in history where the cable network TLC will quite literally air just about anything. I think America is ready for The Sgt. Grumpy Show.

[Savage]

Tell him to build electronic circuits: https://www.teachersource.com/product/c ... H8QAvD_BwE

Or take up a heroin habit.

Oh my gawd
dial it back to my five year old self and throw in a chemistry set that I can create explosions from and I would be the happiest little girl in the whole USA.

I mean, there were only so many trees I could climb, and only so many kids I could yoke to my jump rope reins on my sandbox bench sled to pull me down the street. I wanted to blow things up. The sand box bench chariot parades were a poor substitute for explosions. I did let my horses stop to drink water out of the gutter. I was a benevolent queen.

Backyard circuses were great. I had the neighbor boys and my brother be my freak show and my animals. I wore a swimsuit and cracked a jump rope whip. It only cost a penny, and lots of kids came.

[Savage]

and toast the great Grumpy, who at last has staggered off to bed. Tomorrow, I am dragging him out for pancakes. Waffles are so bougie.