Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health

[Thompson]

They have acid

Who does? Sign me up asap!
And yes, I`ll take the elephant dose. My brain needs that much to get funky

. Haven’t tried the acid. The last time I took acid everything became a giant pulsating vagina. And them vaginas scared me, with all that pulsating.

[oettinger]

Now I`m even more interested.

I love crazy visuals, they`re fun

[Thompson]

Monique came from Canada and had a no nonsense way of looking at things. Her daddy was blind in one eye but he still had his job at the railroad. “Here comes one-eye Canada,” the other girls would say when her pa came to pick her up from school. She met Thompson at a bar on Magazine Street, actually outside the bar, since she didn’t bring her ID, and Thompson hired her on the spot.

Listen up, said Thompson, we don’t go for any bellyaching around here, and what I say goes.

Yes sir, said Monique, what you say goes.

Have you noticed how fat the Eskimo stripper girls have gotten?

Yes, they sure have gotten fat.

Big Nate busted the TV so they don’t work out with Jane Fonda anymore.

Want me to get the girls back into fighting weight?

Yes, that’s it. Don’t pull any punches and report back to me when the Eskimo stripper girls go back inside.’. We’ve got a heist to pull off here for crying out loud.

[Thompson]

Thompson called another meeting at Hugh’s Diner. Badfellow was supposed to be in charge but he had fallen through the cracks it seemed. The whole gang looked suspect. Oettinger’s pupils were so dilated they dripped on his nose. He had pupil juice on his nose. The way he studied his steak knife was a bit disconcerting too. The Eskimo girls looked just as fat, and Monique looked like she’d gained a few on top of it. DIE was sticking nicotine patches all over his chest and smoking a Marlboro (Hugh came out from behind the counter and snubbed the cigarette out. He gave that scowl of his, and turned on the ceiling fan). Then he walked to the jukebox and put in a quarter. Nausea ordered the vegan omelet which doesn’t have eggs, cheese, meat. It’s made with peanut butter and brown rice. Tastes funny and it was embarrassing to the gang to even look at it. Big Nate walked in and took a seat. He nodded to the Eskimo girls and raised his right eyebrow at the new girl. He had quit smoking and was now chewing so much tobacco he just let the spit drip down his chin and onto the floor. He was forever bending forward to keep the spit off his Harley Davidson jacket. He looked seriously hungover to Thompson. The jukebox played You Never Even Call Me By My Name and Oettinger got up to dance. He danced a few country steps and then he fell down.

[Thompson]

Scream Ale was sitting at the counter and wondering, What the fuck? Who are these clowns? Thompson was the skinniest and scrawniest looking human being he’d ever seen. He seemed to be in charge though. Big Nate pulled out his transistor radio and tuned it in to the blues station. They go way down the neck of the guitar in them blues songs. Scream Ale was no slouch at the guitar, he could go way down on the neck, come right back up, and do it all over again. But he needed money. He gambled. He worked a few odd jobs with Big Nate and that’s where he learned of the Gang. Plus, Scream Ale was a fool for a plump girl, and there were 3,4, no 5 of them eating eggs and potatoes. He got up and put a quarter in the jukebox and joined the Gang at their table. The Eskimo girls giggled.

[Thompson]

I asked Hugh, I said I’m supposed to eat more fiber, what you got on the menu with more fiber? Hugh said, order the pancakes, or better yet the waffles, we do a mean waffle at Hugh’s.

There is fiber in pancakes and waffles?

No more than other food but when you eat six pancakes loaded with butter and maple syrup it seems kinda fibery.

Lots of gas?

Lots of gas.

What about the steak? What kind of cut is that steak, Hugh?

Well shit man, it’s a breakfast steak. This is a diner, we serve breakfast steaks.

The Eskimos rave about the potatoes. Is there some fiber in potatoes?

I don’t know about this fiber thing you have, Thompson, you want a couple eggs with a breakfast steak or do you want a clump of fiber?

No clump of fiber, thanks. What about toast? Do you have Texas toast?

No, we have regular toast.

Real butter?

Yes.

Okay, make it two over easy, the breakfast steak, and the home style fried potatoes with regular toast. And a Budweiser.

[Thompson]

Where is the Gang, said Hugh?

Monday is our off day. They are probably at the bowling alley. Has Badfellow been in lately?

There was a guy in the other morning that looked like Badfellow, but he was wearing sunglasses so I couldn’t be sure. He left a quarter tip.

What did he order? You remember?

The corned beef hash with poached egg and regular toast. Oh, and a glass of tomato juice that I saw him spike with a concealed flask that was attached to his belt.

Sounds like him. He’s Irish you know, even though he grew up in Alaska. What was he wearing? You remember?

A Harley Davidson motorcycle jacket with a skull and crossbones bandana tied to his head.

Did he carry a cane?

No, but he limped.

Play the jukebox did he?

I can’t remember every detail, Thompson, I have eggs to fry and a cash register to run.

Well, if he comes in today tell him the Gang is hanging over at the bowling alley.

Okay.

[Thompson]

The Eskimo stripper girls took to the bowling like a street dog takes to a bone. All of them had averages over 200 and they were in much better shape than anybody else in the Gang. Couldn’t call them fat, or even plump, anymore. They looked mean, like you wouldn’t want to come across one in a dark alley. With those stripper girl outfits that Oettinger sewed they looked very scary. Plus they all had their own bowling shoes, and bowling ball. They carried them on the bus and when they walked down a dark alley to Hugh’s Bowling Lanes. That’s right, chef Hugh also owned a bowling alley. You had to park two blocks away and walk down a dark alley to get there. The place was run by an old timer named Moseley. He slept (like a baby) on a nine foot regulation slate pool table when the lights went dim. One overhead light was kept on over the snooker table in back. Moseley would dream pool hall dreams. He would smile, wake up, take a look around, and go back to sleep.

[Thompson]

Badfellow wore sunglasses because, like everything else about him, his eyes were bad. He spent almost fifty bucks at the discount eyeglass place for an exam and a pair of bifocals that he tossed in the trash the same day he picked them up. He had been drinking somewhat heavily when he took the eye exam and probably gave wrong answers to the questions - “this clearer or this clearer?” Well, fuck it, he could still tell the difference between night and day. He bought his sunglasses at the flea market from a hippie dude that looked like ZZ Top. They were cheap sunglasses. Then he remembered (fondly) the lyric from another song of theirs - I keep thinking about that night in Memphis / Lord, I thought I was in heaven / (repeat verse) / But I was stumbling through the parking lot / Of an invisible Seven Eleven - Badfellow made a mental note to play that song on the jukebox when he went to Hugh’s for breakfast. He rigged his skull and crossbones bandana to keep his hair out of his eyes, and got on the Harley. He loved the sound of the Harley cranking up. He sat on it a while, cranking it up, then he took off down the road.

[Hugh]

Hugh couldn't figure it out. they booed him at karaoke. who the fuck get booed at karaoke? Hugh studied keys and chords but they wouldn't stop booing. He swore to whoop Thompson's ass if he couldn't make them clap for his lame karaoke songs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q7-Nh6ivK0

[Thompson]

Maybe

[Thompson]

If

[Thompson]

Things were a trifle different, who knows?

[Thompson]

They might be clapping now.

[Thompson]

But I doubt it.

I feel sick. And pissed off at the world.