Thompson’s Theories of Diet and Health

[Thompson]

Hugh said to Bug, Bring me one of those speed tablets. I feel slow.

Here ya go Hugh, take two, said Bug. Want a toke off this joint?

I do. Good roll, expert really.

I’m a whiz in the kitchen. You drive a good bus, Hugh.

Thanks. I shoot a pretty good game of pool too. I’m not that hot at snooker.

What about billiards?

So-so. You shoot billiards, do you?

I do. In fact I was on my way to a billiards tournament when Dix stopped at my stop. My cue is under the seat back there. He highjacked this bus, you know.

Sure, it’s the number 11 bus. Thompson called me and told me the details. He and Badfellow are on the Harley heading for Alaska too.

Hmm. How does Thompson look these days?

Drunk, he looks okay. Undrunk, I’m not sure.

[Thompson]

Okay, said Dix, we are coming up on the Alaskan Highway.

(Dix had taken back over as driver.)

We still want to go north, he said, I think.

[Thompson]

This is no good, said Dix. This number 11 bus is not cut out to go seventy-five miles an hour. I’m going to exit here and take Cassiar Highway. What the hell time is it?

Closing in on 5, said Bug, that be in the morning. I once got thrown out of a bar for asking morning or night.

Well, we have to get some fucking breakfast. All those speed tablets have dehydrated me and now I’m cranky.

Hugh spotted the Pitt Grill. Pull over here, said Hugh, I worked at a Pitt Grill before my mom died and left me a shit ton of money to buy The Diner and The Bowling Alley. I cut my teeth at the Pitt Grill.

Dix pulled over and the three of them went in. They sat at the counter. They ordered their breakfasts, and ate them, and all three felt better. It was on the chilly side outside so it was good they all had a Texas toast to go with their eggs.

[Thompson]

Dix said something to Hugh but Hugh didn’t hear it because he was lost in thought. Now let’s see, Hugh said to himself. If I serve a Texas toast at the Diner rather than regular toast then I only have to serve one. Nobody serves two Texas toasts. Plus the Texas toasts soak up the egg yolk better than regular toast. I guess I’ll have to drive to Texas to get the toasts, but I think it’ll be an upgrade. He was also thinking about replacing Thompson as bowling alley flunky. A lot of times he was too drunk or passed out to unstick the balls on lane 5, or he would give a smart ass reply when Mose called on the intercom. That’s what he disliked about Thompson the most, his smart ass replies.

Dix reached over and gave Hugh the highway map to study. Which exit we take to get to . . . What city we trying to get to?

Anchorage?

No, not Anchorage! The town that the stripper girls live in. Our headquarters.

Okay, let me study the map, said Hugh.

[Thompson]

The town is called Frozen Lips, said Hugh. You keep on this highway for about 400 miles and then hang a right.

Okay good, said Dix. Where is Bug? We left her at Pitt Grill?

No, she’s in back all curled up again. I’m telling you, Dix, if she starts cutting herself I’m getting off the bus.

Grab those speed tablets out her pocket, Hugh.

Got ‘em.

Bring me two, and stash the rest in your sock. You brought along two pairs of socks, right?

Shit, I don’t know, I guess, yeah, I got two pairs of socks here.

Okay good. How’s that breakfast digesting?

Just fine actually, I’m surprised.

[Thompson]

Badfellow and Thompson were cruising Up Highway 61, not down. Take it all Up to Highway 61. They were behind schedule. Badfellow cranked the Harley up then he cranked it up again. He let loose the clutch and they took off. Jesus. This is too much, said Thompson. I can’t take this, I cannot go this fast, no way, you have to slow down Badfellow.

I’ll slow down on the curves, put your arms around my belly for support and scoot up a bit.

Good Christ. Okay. How fast you going, said Thompson?

Fast. I don’t use speedometers or shit like that.

We’ll have to make a left when we cross into Canada.

We are about to cross into it now, Hang on.

[Hugh]

Thompson, what the hell is wrong with you? Getting on a motorcycle with Badfellow? No, I'm calling ladybug right now. https://rumble.com/v4nssvf-family-tradition.html

[Thompson]

Thompson, what the hell is wrong with you? Getting on a motorcycle with Badfellow? No, I'm calling ladybug right now. https://rumble.com/v4nssvf-family-tradition.html

‘Throw you down an anonymous drain’ — that’s a good lyric, no, a great lyric. I’ve noticed that Hugh is now sinGing behind the beat. All great sinGers do that. It’s very subtle and very effective. (Or is that affective, I don’t fucking know) — ‘But I don’t want to die / I just want to ride on back of Badfellow’s motor bike’

[Thompson]

Hey Badfellow, can we eat some breakfast soon? I’m a tad on the weak side, or how does it go —‘ I’m wasted and I can’t find my way home’?

The highway is our home, Thompson, said Badfellow. You know that.

[Thompson]

Hugh shook Ladybug and said, Wake up Bug! Ain’t no sleeping allowed around here. I want to tell you about Thompson.

What?

He’s on the back of Badfellow’s Harley Davidson and they just crossed over into Canada. They came up Highway 61.

How did you hear this, Hugh?

It was on the radio.

So Thompson is palled up with Badfellow? He’s so old now you know that them drugs might kill him.

No, he said he just wanted to ride the motorbike.

Yeah, right! Hey! Where are my speed tablets? They were here in my pocket.

You must have eaten them, said Hugh. That’s why you were all curled up and asleep. I’ve been admiring your professional pool cue.

I’m a whiz in the kitchen, Hugh. So those two are on their way to Frozen Lips?

Probably beat us there the way Badfellow guns that Harley.

[Thompson]

What do you do with a sleeping dog, said Hugh to Dix?

You let him lie?

Right. I’ve got this dog back in Gainesville. He’s a Pitt bull . When he’s awake he appears harmless, wags his tail and is friendly and all. But when he sleeps, that deep sleep, he makes this low growl and he barks this mean bark that is terrifying. The collective unconscious of the animal I guess. A viscous animal.

How come you didn’t bring him along, said Dix?

I left him to guard the Diner. I should have brought him along.

[Thompson]

Frozen Lips, next exit. Badfellow swerved just in time.

Now where do the stripper girls hang their slippers, said Thompson?

I would think down on Main Street, said Badfellow, or just off of Main Street.

Shit, I am hungry all get out , Badfellow. Why you doing this?

Okay, okay, keep your pants on. There’s a Pitt Grill just around the corner.

How you know that?

I’ve spent some time in Frozen Lips. Five years for armed robbery.

Only five?

Well, you know.

How we gonna find the stripper girls?

Let’s try the Frozen Lips Bowling Alley.

Good thinking. Can we get a little breakfast first?

[Thompson]

And sure enough, there they were, Enie, Meenie, Minie, and Moe. Oh, you should have seen them, giggling and jumping up and down, hugging and kissing Badfellow and Thompson, screaming, shivering, blinking their eyes, making all kind of noises. The Eskimo stripper girls.

Thompson bought everyone a Charleston Chew. He carried around this coin bag with all different coins so he had the right change for the Chews. Once he was talking to Hugh long distance and ran out of coins. Now he makes sure he has coins. Everybody smiled and Badfellow was caught wiping his left eye.

The flat the girls had rented was on the second floor. That was good because nobody was bouncing around doing jumping jacks on the ceiling. There were a plethora of rugs. Thompson got dibs on the rug he liked and crawled under it to see how it fit. Perfect. The girls excused themselves to change into their Jane Fonda workout duds because Jane was about to come on the tv.

Badfellow and Thompson went looking for booze. It was all there in the kitchen. You name it. Shit, said Badfellow, how can you beat this?

[Thompson]

After the workout the girls changed back into their bowling outfits.

We figure, said Meenie, that if you and Thompson figured out how to find us, Hugh and Dix will figure it out too. But we have to be at the Alley in order to be figured out.

Okay, me and Thompson will hang here and guard the place.

How many rugs are there, said Thompson? Quite a few, said Badfellow. Enough for the Gang? Looks like enough.

[Thompson]

Ladybug’s eyes actually bugged out. The Eskimo girls were nothing liked she’d ever seen. These girls were Cool. Incredible, she said to herself. Are you all sisters, she said to Meenie?

Hard to say that, Meenie said, we were all adopted, and to tell the truth we plumb can’t remember that far back. But the Gang gave us our chance, you know. Thompson believed in us as did the Badfellow so here we are.

Are you any good in the kitchen, said Bug?

Naw, not really. We can do things like macaroni and cheese and tuna helper. Most the time we eat at the bowling alley.

I’m a whiz in the kitchen, said Bug. You just tell me what’s on your mind and I’ll send Dix and Thompson to fetch what we need. Well, maybe not Thompson because he is slow and could fall down at any second.

How about Hugh, the girls said? We wouldn’t mind going grocery shopping with Hugh.

Okay. I’ll make this preliminary list, which is going to be a tad lengthy, and you girls can go with Hugh to shop. What about Dix? You want Dix to come along?

Yes indeed, and they all giggled. He’s so tall and handsome.