Two tits in Tirana

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TheDrunkardAnglo
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Two tits in Tirana

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo »

Thursday morning we fly into Tirana, Albania. I spent the majority of the time pretty pissed off. Mainly because Wizz Air had me standing for forty five minutes waiting to board the plane. Fortunately I sleep through the majority of the flight. I have a rare skill, that once I have sat down I generally fall asleep before the plane takes off.

Anyway, I wake up as the plane is flying towards the Albanian coast line. A prime opportunity to have a couple of beers before the plane begins the dissent and ultimately lands. Wizz Air had some albanian beer, it was a blonde. Quaffable was my conclusion.

We land step onto the a shuttle bus. Leaving the shuttle bus I slip on the polished granite or marble floor and hit my knee. Thankfully on this occasion dear reader it was only my pride that was hurt. Though this should have been a warning to me for what was to come.

I had got through security without a problem and went to pick up four packets of Malborough Reds. Around £8 for all four. We sat at the cafe had a beer, a double espresso and I chained about five Cigarettes whilst I waited for the taxi we had booked to arrive. We remarked how shocked we were by the humidity. Removing layers for the temperature was much warmer than Britain.

Got to the apartment, dropped off our bags.  Went to a local grill to have our first meal in Albania. I had chicken fillets in this creamy mushroom sauce. My cousin had a chicken kebab, chips and some bread.

We then walked to the communist quarter. Under the Hoxha regime it was closed off for those not members of the Politburo. Yes dear reader, it turns out some were more equal than others. Today it is the social hub of Tirana. Filled with bars and restaurants. Most of which close when they like, which happens to be the next morning.

We go to Radio Bar. Sit at the bar. They have a selection of good beers on draft. Including what surprised me Schneider Weisse. I have a pint of it, before moving onto cocktails. Suddenly I hear an American voice "I'll have a pint of your cheapest shittiest beer". We have a chat, this is Rob from Ohio.

Turns out every Thursday this is where all the Expats drink. I could see why, it was a nice bar. The decor was great, the bar staff knew how to make a drink and did so with efficency. I was talking to some Albanian guy in the smoking area who lived in Toronto for most of his life about the previous Communist regime. He suggests some good spots to see, and gives me a bit of an idea about what happened during the previous regime.

We move on from Radio Bar and head towards the New Irish Bar, Rob from Ohio joins us, for they have karaoke and my cousin likes to sing. It's packed. We get in I have a whisky soda, they stick to beers. I abandon them pretty quick to smoke outside and flirt outrageously with Albanian women. I come back in when my cousin sings, for he is quite good and I like to shout "I taught him everything he knows". The manager gave my cousin three free shots of tequila and I got a free shot of red label. I was happy. I called Rob from Ohio "Ron". My cousin and Rob from Ohio were bemused. I did not care dear reader.

I was talking to some American hippy who married some Albanian girl and moved to Tirana. I cannot remember his name, but he seemed pretty OK. I ended up sharing a joint with him as he was explaining that he liked Trump and that he was left wing. I replied "sure man, I get it. Trump is not a traditional Republican. You are just a free thinker", I did this because I could not care less.  The joint did not really do it for me. Fuck I was out of cigarettes.

I walked to the shops. Picked up lucky strikes this time. Was able to pay by card. What a dream. I returned to the irish bar. My cousin was enraged with me for leaving, be it temporarily, without telling him. I replied "hun, I'm out of smokes ain't I? Don't be like this!" We both laughed and continued drinking.

I was starting to flirt outrageously with the waitress. I do not think she was interested, but she was polite enough to pretend she was.

I later that night got a Kosovan girl's details. Very attractive, so hot she gave me a hernia.

Rob from Ohio came to me rather squiffy. He was going home. We shook his hand and agreed to grab some drinks with him the next night.

We drank more drinks before we agreed to leave. My cousin on the route back found a pizza van. He scoffed down two big slices of margarita pizza. It smelled good, but I did not have any.

We got back to the apartment. I chained 3 cigarettes on the balcony and then went to sleep. I slept alright. Pretty soundly.

I woke up, shat like a champion. Hardly any wiping necessary. I still did of course, I am not some fucking animal.

We got our shit together and went sight seeing. I regrettably was not wearing my waxed jacket. I decided to wear what I call my French workers jacket. An item of clothing not known for it waterproofing properties. It absolutely pissed it down. We were in a storm. I spent the majority of the time sliding around the sites, which of course had polished granite floors, made more lethal by the torrential rain. Though I did not fall yet.

We went for dinner at another grill. I had chicken kebab, four Albanian kofta type things and a bowl of chips with a pint. My cousin had something similar but went for a litre of beer. This Albanian beer, I'm afraid dear reader, tasted like cat piss. I think the meal cost us around £4 a head. It's just completely without any flavour other than salt. It is like pepper, garlic or chili never came to this distant land.

We met with Rob from Ohio at the Tiki Bar. The bar was a cool bar, very much following the aesthetic. Even better they allowed smoking inside. I did, unfortunately for them, catasphorically destroy their bathroom with a very loose bowel movement. The drinks were OK, but unbalanced. I was also angered by the fact that they couldn't make me a Manhattan. So I just drank old fashioneds.

We then moved onto Duff Bar. Great bar ripping off the Simpsons. The guys are on beer. I just don't want beer in my stomach. I drink Moscow mules before moving onto Gin and Tonics. They're not bad. We get the bill and move onto the Irish bar again. Its dead, we grab a drink and go. I get a whisky soda.

A couple of bars down. It's packed. Karaoke is on. I finish a cigarette as the other two go in. As I'm walking down these marble steps I completely lose my footing. I fall and hit the steps hard like a failed figure skater. I grimace in pain. The Albanians look at me, but they do not help. I pull myself up and take a few breaths before telling my drinking companion's what happened. I order a double bourbon on the rocks.

A member of the bar staff comes up to me and says "hey man, don't feel bad about it. I have done that a couple of times myself". I reply "I do not feel bad about the entrance of your bar being a death trap". I drink my drink and start chain smoking cigarettes.

Five drinks later. I'm heating out. I'm getting brain fog. I don't say anything, but fuck I'm panicking. My inner dialogue is "Anglo sort your shit out MAN!", "You want to look like a cuck in front of that dweeb Ronald MAN?", "you really think the emancipation proclamation was out of the goodness of his heart MAN?!?!"

I rushed to the toilet to splash water on my face. There was someone in the toilet. An Albanian chap was waiting outside. He made a gesture grabbing his cock, implying that he was desperate for a piss. Fuck there was a queue. I knew I was in trouble.

I went to the bar. My face went white and I collapsed. I was awoken by my cousin and Rob from Ohio. I was groggy. They helped me up and I said "guys I'm fucked I need to get out of this hell hole!" They replied "let us help you out". I was frustrated at the slow pace of the evacuation and slurred "fuckers, this is mayday!" Broke away and wobbled out myself. Once outside I felt the breeze hit. Relief poured over my shoulders. I sat against a tree and composed myself.

I was sweating buckets, but ultimately fine. My cousin asked me why I didn't say anything. I explain there was a lot happening in my head, none of which involved a conversation with him.

I get back to the apartment. I chained more cigarettes and went to bed.

Wake up it's a Saturday. I feel pretty good. We grab some food. Get a cable car up to the mountains. Come back down. Watch Albania v Armenia in the Air Albania football stadium. They had Budvar on tap but it was expensive. Still we have about five each. Albania won.

We go meet Rob from Ohio for dinner then hit the bars.

Enroute I pick up a load of the Camel Originals for they are no longer sold in the UK.

We're in a cocktail bar we have three cocktails and then we leave. It's very hot and stuffy there. The smoking area isn't much better with heat lamps all over the place.

We head back to the irish bar. They welcome us back like long lost brothers. There is not the same liveliness as on the first night but is still lively. The managers join us at our table outside, we drink and smoke together. Talk mostly of art, one of which was a part time artist, and Hoxha. Thankfully a rain storm starts which brings down the temperature greatly. Our area is covered. I remain seated, sipping on my beer and smoking.

We say goodbye to Rob from Ohio. Head back to sleep.

Final day. Wake up. It is pissing it down. Hail. It's biblical. I zip my waxed jacket up to the top. Buttoning it like one of those big crab fisherman off the coast of New England. With a cigarette in my mouth I shout at my cousin "let's find some shelter". We jump into this pizza place. I order a hot spicy pizza. It was not spicy reader.

We head out again, the storm gets worse. We jump into a cafe. Filled with smoke. Glorious. I get a double espresso and some sparkling water. My cousin gets a beer. The waiter doesn't have £10 worth of change and has to go looking. I mutter that its madness in a cash economy that this cunt has so little change. He gets it, but then gives me some shit over a rip in my note. I tell him that I get that he needs to have a tantrum, but he should do that in privacy. He doesn't understand me. My cousin pays him.

I use the ripped note in the taxi to the airport.

I pick up more cigarettes. The total number of cigarettes bought in Tirana was 460. Once I land in London I walk through the "nothing to declare" corridor.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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Patchez
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Re: Two tits in Tirana

Post by Patchez »

Well done good Sir.
Now you're ready for some anti-dry-otics!-BeerMakesMeSmarter

If worms had daggers, birds wouldn't fuck with them-Todd Snider

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scream ale
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Re: Two tits in Tirana

Post by scream ale »

That sounds like an epic adventure.

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Artful Drunktective
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Re: Two tits in Tirana

Post by Artful Drunktective »

TheDrunkardAnglo wrote:
Wed Nov 30, 2022 4:07 am

We land step onto the a shuttle bus. Leaving the shuttle bus I slip on the polished granite or marble floor and hit my knee. Thankfully on this occasion dear reader it was only my pride that was hurt.
By all means this is not the only thing I am taking away from your epic adventure and I have some comments for you either here or on Skype but damn, this would totally be me and I know the sting of wounded pride from taking a tumble. Multiple times.
Okole maluna!

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oettinger
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Re: Two tits in Tirana

Post by oettinger »

What a collossal post! I first thought you were in Tijuana. I`ll read it later
Drink!
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Badfellow
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Re: Two tits in Tirana

Post by Badfellow »

He shits like a champ, like a champion without constipation,
The girls in Yakutsk
Still call his name (and call their children the same)

He is the last of the South of London playboys,
The girls of former communist Albania are his toys,
He took a shuttle bus
With the rest of the last of the South of London playboys,
And how he spoke with Rob
The last of the Merricun playboys,

Tits up,
Balls down
This chap Anglo never wears a frown,
Until he's upside down
ພາສາລາວNONE GENUINE WITHOUT MY SIGNATUREພາສາລາວ

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Artful Drunktective
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Re: Two tits in Tirana

Post by Artful Drunktective »

All this drinking n' stumbling around, falling down, mild confusion, and eating bland food sounds like me daily. Thanks for assuring me I don't need to visit Albania to have the same experience.

But I would really appreciate a Rob from Ohio to party with, though. We don't have them types here.
Okole maluna!

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