a close call

[meanjoefan]

Back when I was about 16, we'd all watch the highschool hoops games. We'd tailgate before, then after we'd head into a nearby neighborhood and get pizza.

I'd been drinking beer (not yet drunk) and was having some more in the municipal parking lot across from the pizzaria. I also had something that could get me in a bit more trouble. I was [hint] rolling this something on the top of a waist-high wall, with shrubbery around--my back to the parking lot. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a police wagon drive up. Quickly I toss the stuff in the bushes and turn around.

Two female cops get out and approach me. [Note: I'm facing the wagon; their backs are towards it.]

"Have you been drinking?"

"Um...no?"

"You smell like you have. What were you doing in those bushes?"

"I was trying to steal the bush, what else?"

One of my buddies notices the trouble I'm in. He jumps in the wagon and puts it in gear. They can't see this, but I guess something showed in my eyes, and they turned around to see it drifting across the lot.

Both of them scurry after the wagon (mistake, BTW: I later learned in flight training that, in the face of an unexpected emergency, designate one person to mind the store while the other deals with the problem).

One truns around and says, "Don't go anywhere." That jolts me out of my brief "deer in the headlights" moment and I take off.

20 mins later, I sneak back to find them gone. We smoked and drank what I had left. It was a LONG time before I let my buddy pay for anything.

EDIT: I'm gonna add another story here 'cause it doesn't really need its on thread. Some extracurriculars here, too, but also a fuckload of booze.

About 17 or so; I get invited to a "friend of a friend's" pad in downtown Pittsburgh PA that his dad got him, so he can finish school here. I'm curious about two things: I'm told he has 151 rum (until this point, mostly a beer guy) and that he was gonna make tea out of some "leaves" he has (not really my thing, but I'm a total whore when it comes to free goodies).

Well, I start off with beer, progress to gin, just start the rum when after about 2 hours he breaks out the tea. I drink some and--it's like I undrunk up a bit! Well, that's easily remedied, more 151! But I seem to overshoot the mark. Well, if it undrunkened me up once, let's try it again!

I remember three more of those cycles; by the last one, the tea was gone, and I was chewing 'em up and eating them like some stimulant salad.

One of my most impenetrable blackouts ever; I learned that:
- I made up my mind to go skinny dipping in the Allegheny and had to be forcibly restrained
- Impressed with our host's generosity, I scrawled "JOHN IS A GOD!!!" a half dozen times on his bathroom mirror with soap.
- Collapsed to the floor and vomited all over his bathroom floor
- Carried from the bathroom to the living room floor. While 8 buddies crowded around me, deciding whether or not to call the paramedics, I decided that this would be the PERFECT time to spank it.

It was a LONG time before I ever touched "leaves" or derivatives therof again. Unquestionably the most fucked up I've ever been; how much was due to the booze and how much to the leaves is debatable, so pehaps it isn't strictly the DRUNKEST I've ever been, though I was very, very drunk.