ddb, louie, meanoldlady and skot11 present: hijinks

MeanOldLady · Post by **MeanOldLady** » Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:14 pm

the following is an account of the events that (allegedly) occured this weekend, pieced together from half faded drunken memories and scarcely legible scribbling on bar napkins.

friday was a night like any other. mol trekked up hollyweird to drink with ddb, followed by louie shortly after. the doctor presented me with a christmas present of cruzan rum which has long since evaporated... or we drank it, i don't remember. louie, in true slapass fashion, goes to town on the booze, as though he were competing for a gold medal. if it were a competition, he'd have won. rum, whiskey beer, and black outs ensued, you know, typical drunkard shenanigans. our phones became weapons, as we started attacking everyone in our phone books, in an effort to give them a play-by-play on our booze powered tomfoolery. what we didn't stop to think about, however, is that we were calling east coasters at 2am our time. this could explain why nobody answered their phones. sleep, pfft. i don't remember what happened after 4am, but according to doc's testimony, i took a booze nap leaned up against louie, and then the futon was let out for me to sleep on. louie slept on doc's couch that i christened months ago with my saliva.

saturday morning we wake up sprawled out all over doc's furniture, and i decide it's time to get to work on a tasty, refreshing eye opener of more rum. louie's original plan was to return home to oc, but it was impossible for him to sit there and watch me get loaded without joining in on the festivities, so he cracked open the bottle and went at it with me. we were loaded by 2 in the afternoon. ah, saturdays. out of nowhere, louie is overcome by the urge to go to a place called jumbo's clown room, or some such. yes, a clown themed titty bar that had sufficiently piqued our curiosity. i'm not even much for titty bars considering i've got my own pair and all, but won't someone think of the clowns?! (hi tuffy. where are you?) we had to go. on the way out to the clown tit room, we spot a couple with a young child, and i think it would be the height of hilarity to take a swig directly from the bottle right in front of the family. how great is that? 3 in the afternoon, in public, in broad daylight reeking of booze and openly, perhaps even shamelessly, chugging rum from the bottle. the idea tickled me so thoroughly, that i was keeled over in laughter, unable to perform the task. this may have been an equally startling sight, i realize, walking down the street with an open bottle of rum, smelling as though i'd bathed in liquor, barely able to stand upright. the point is i made it clear to the family that undrunkenness was my sworn nemesis.

so off to the clown strippers, and it turns out sons of bitches are closed! what right does a strip club have being closed at 3 o'clock in the afternoon? don't they know drunken perverts like us live a 24 hour lifestyle! whatever. we were lost in the middle of hollywood, so we decided to find ourselves in a bar. bar #1 was a normal dive-like bar full of old men and a shitty jukebox. bar #2 was a yuppie scumhole that we visited specifically for the purpose of unsettling the snobs. no, we're not classy drunks by a long shot. louie and i are drunken lowlife assholes, i'll admit. before we leave, he drunkenly slurs out to the barflies that they can all kiss his ass, and informs them that he needn't validate himself with yuppie bullshittery, fancy pants, and so on. he validates himself with his drinking. here i am, richard nixon style peace fingers in the air, except only a certain finger was extended, as we exit the bar before getting the chance to be 86'd. we were given bad directions to the freeway from the bartender at this place. wonder why. there was also a ticket on louie's car for, get this, not having his front wheels turned outward. i've concluded all of this was god's way of telling us not to be jerks.

so here we are lost in hollywood again, when we have the brilliant idea to call up skot, and before we know it, we're loaded in the valley. how the fuck did we end up in the goddamn valley? allow me to take this time to say skot and jamie have a booze collection that seriously makes me want to rub one out. i mean holy scotch, their alcohol stash is glorious, comprised of top shelf, bottom shelf and everything in between. i was both awed and sexually aroused while viewing their booze pile. further shenanigans ensued that i would tell you about if i could remember more of it. there was heavy drinking, and even reverse drinking on my part (sorry jamie!), and then i woke up in skot's living room wondering a lot about the previous night's revelry, but opted to ask no questions. i reckon black outs are god's way of telling me i could be better off without those memories. so i wake up louie, we get the fuck out of dodge, and i have no idea what happened to my weekend. as far as i'm concerned, it's still friday.

i got home and looked at myself in the mirror, as i always do after serious binging, and to the surprise of no one, i looked and smelled like shit. it hit me that i hadn't showered since friday, so i hopped in and scrubbed the stench of debauchery from my pores.

during this entire process, i drunk dialed more people than anyone ever should throughout their entire lifespan. i called the drunkards, i called friends, i think i called travis b like 50 times (poor adam is about ready to kill me), i even called my ex who didn't want to talk, for some reason. oh right, he resents me. i still don't have the heart to check my call log.

BOY, that was long! if you're still reading, hi!

Palinka (RIP) · Post by **Palinka (RIP)** » Sun Dec 18, 2005 6:34 pm

A truly excellent saga; I half expected Erik the Red to pop up at some point.

Keep up the good work.

The Crack Monkey · Post by **The Crack Monkey** » Sun Dec 18, 2005 8:13 pm

Bravo! Bravo! An adventure worthy of repeating!

bluebottle · Post by **bluebottle** » Sun Dec 18, 2005 10:15 pm

that was truly magnificent, mol! i especially liked the part about the saliva stained couch. i have one of those, too, and also several pillows that are that way, and also i wonder about the mattress, soaked in beer on ocassion like it gets, and the odd urinary evacuation (do you know that i've twice had women pee the bed while sleeping with them? haha, it's embarrassing for both, but it's no big deal if i do it alone.) anyway, yes, keep up the fine work you are doin g!

Martini Time · Post by **Martini Time** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 2:18 am

And to think....I had to come home for the weekend to sleep in my own bed. Sorry I missed out on the festivities. Cheers, you crazy So. Cal kids!!

Post by **Oggar** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 10:42 am

We tried to call you guys but my cell phone died after talking to Cec. But that was Friday, I had to work Saturday.

***** · Post by ***** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 12:32 pm

MOL and Louie are lightweights. My friends Brain and Leo and I were up until 5:30 am on Friday. It was a Vivarin/Bourbon/PBR kind of night that ended in hot monkey sex for the bad doctor. It was all I could to not to laugh at Louie's incessant snoring, but I am a true romantic and a good boyfriend that keeps his end of the spending the night bargain. I managed to fit a drug deal in there as well.

The addendum to this spree was the punk rock show at the video store where Sno-balls, candy canes, and malt likker were in steady supply and crusty punks got shown whatfor. Some cute little girl flirted with me which made me feel special. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had graduated from college before she was in junior high. Oh, and the ex-wife told me she wanted to kiss me.

So I sit at work this morning
examining all the places skin is missing from my knuckles
and I think to myself

Merry Christmas, you magnificent bastards!

MeanOldLady · Post by **MeanOldLady** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 9:33 pm

DrDrinkBastard wrote:MOL and Louie are lightweights. My friends Brain and Leo and I were up until 5:30 am on Friday.

oh puhlease. burrito and i were out at like 4:30, plus we handled that fifth deftly while you were nursing your little heineken.

Some cute little girl flirted with me which made me feel special. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had graduated from college before she was in junior high.

she probably thought you were her age. possibly younger.

Resident Asshole · Post by **Resident Asshole** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 8:57 am

Good story. Clown-themed strip club? Oh Hollywood, what have you done? :lol:

***** · Post by ***** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 11:32 am

MeanOldLady wrote:
DrDrinkBastard wrote:MOL and Louie are lightweights. My friends Brain and Leo and I were up until 5:30 am on Friday.
oh puhlease. burrito and i were out at like 4:30, plus we handled that fifth deftly while you were nursing your little heineken.

Um, I was drinking Grolsch and Russell's Reserve. What fifth did you and Sleep Lou handle so deftly? The one that you were still drinking at 1 in the afternoon the next day? Merry Christmas, you ingrate.

MeanOldLady wrote:
DrDrinkBastard wrote:Some cute little girl flirted with me which made me feel special. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had graduated from college before she was in junior high.
she probably thought you were her age. possibly younger.

Exactly. See, I told you bathing in the blood of virgins was good for your complexion! Now, to find more virgins...

mjm · Post by **mjm** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 7:54 pm

DrDrinkBastard wrote:
MeanOldLady wrote:
DrDrinkBastard wrote:MOL and Louie are lightweights. My friends Brain and Leo and I were up until 5:30 am on Friday.
oh puhlease. burrito and i were out at like 4:30, plus we handled that fifth deftly while you were nursing your little heineken.
Um, I was drinking Grolsch and Russell's Reserve. What fifth did you and Sleep Lou handle so deftly? The one that you were still drinking at 1 in the afternoon the next day? Merry Christmas, you ingrate.

MeanOldLady wrote:
DrDrinkBastard wrote:Some cute little girl flirted with me which made me feel special. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had graduated from college before she was in junior high.
she probably thought you were her age. possibly younger.
Exactly. See, I told you bathing in the blood of virgins was good for your complexion! Now, to find more virgins...

Hah! There are no virgins in SoCal!

MeanOldLady · Post by **MeanOldLady** » Wed Dec 21, 2005 7:49 pm

DrDrinkBastard wrote:bla bla bla

hey, that fifth was gone in the afternoon. as was other booze consumed at bars and skot11's. good stuff. so err, you swear by wt101, do you? no, this doesn't mean i'm getting you any for xmas. i'll probably get you some night train or bud light or something..... 'cause i loves ya!

***** · Post by ***** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 11:21 am

MeanOldLady wrote:
DrDrinkBastard wrote:bla bla bla
hey, that fifth was gone in the afternoon. as was other booze consumed at bars and skot11's. good stuff. so err, you swear by wt101, do you? no, this doesn't mean i'm getting you any for xmas. i'll probably get you some night train or bud light or something..... 'cause i loves ya!

Don't take the Lord's name in vain, missy. This is a family establishment.