The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Remember what happened last night? Good. Now tell the world.

Moderators: Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, Judge, oettinger, Oggar, Badfellow, Mr Boozificator

l...
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 7351
Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2004 7:03 pm
Location: Hiding.

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by l... »

great story :)
That's what I call Drunkard justice. I hate prisses like that. They're mincing their way through life when they should be marching. ~fkr.

I wish i could find me a woman who drinks!~ruiner..on lack of women drinkers.

Image

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

l... wrote:great story :)
I agree, that Dear Booze fellow is a helluva story-teller, yup.

Cheers!

l...
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 7351
Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2004 7:03 pm
Location: Hiding.

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by l... »

mistah willies wrote:
l... wrote:great story :)
I agree, that Dear Booze fellow is a helluva story-teller, yup.

Cheers!

one of the best I've read in a while. :) I needed that.
That's what I call Drunkard justice. I hate prisses like that. They're mincing their way through life when they should be marching. ~fkr.

I wish i could find me a woman who drinks!~ruiner..on lack of women drinkers.

Image

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

FLIGHT part Three


If you are a true Drunkard, then your flight towards the city of sin must include protein with high salt content for the travel. Salt is one of two excellent electrolytes; the other being “that stuff inside a banana.” Like, potassium, K?

Do not stuff a banana in your Carrion, nor anywhere else, you dirty-minded Drunkard. There are bananas all along the way, and perhaps you will be seated near one (or the worst: between two of them).

Two things you might consider, which are these:

1. Pack beef jerky, or turkey jerky if you are health conscious (yeah right and what the hell us up with that?), or tofu jerky if they make that sort of thing.

Question: Are there any proper Drunkards who are also vegan? If so, please PM me so that I can ascertain your reason and also offer to purchase one of your livers. Might come in handy down the line. (Just kidneying ya).



2. Instruct the cab driver to stop on the way to the airport at a fats food place to obtain some “chicken nuggets.” These naturally have high-salt content. Do not be tempted by any sort of dipping sauce. Opening them small containers aboard an aircraft never ends well. Use your purchased aircraft Drink as a dipping sauce.

If you pack any sort of jerky, then tooth floss is also indicated. If not, then use a corner of the bag. No need to be gross.



So, you are past security, and there is no bar ahead in your shitty little airport at the “end of the line” from where you begin your trip to the Desert Queen.


You will need to make a choice based upon your seating location.

Where have you planned to sit? Have you planned? Are you first class?

If you have first class seats, then good on you. Do as you wish. Skip this part and head directly to the city of sin to your penthouse. Rock well, and remember the rest of us wouldya? I’ll come knocking on your hotel door at the Wynn for comps.

If you are not in first class, then listen here.

Place your bag in the front-most overhead compartment available. Note its location. Memorize it.


Are you always Thirsty and in need of easy access to an airborne indoor out-house restroom? That would be the likes of me.

I spend extra for the aisle seat if need be. Only because I like to get up and stretch my legs (as in: be able to move about the cabin). Again, your intent is not to divert an aircraft.


If you have read this far, then you know your seating assignment, and if you have not gotten an aisle seat, then there is still hope. Hey, fuck the window seat and the idea of sleeping on an aircraft. The best buzz is high in the sky at low atmospheric pressure.

It’s lovely for visitors to Denver, but the effect wears off after three days there. (Once them FucKeRs come to our lower altitudes, they must be like supermen against the rest of we mere mortals).

Option one: The flight might not be fully loaded, as you soon will be. When the door hatch closes, all open seats are free. If there is an aisle seat available, immediately move to it. It is yours now. Own it with a smile to your new roommate.

Option two: There will always be a split up couple. A couple of what? Family members? Spouses? Bananas? Offer to help them out, but only if there is an aisle seat, or else if you’ve found yourself stuck between two bananas.

Option three: Make peace with the fact that you are going to have to continuously ask people to get up so that you can replenish your Drink and evacuate your bladder. This may work to your benefit if you do it enough times and they finally ask you to trade seats. Bonus points if they still travel with a huge laptop.


But always, always always head directly to the head at the rear of the plane to use the restroom. Get it all out. You see, ya might be delayed on the tarmac. You might have a long take-off. You do not want to use the air-sickness bag for purposes for which it was not intended. It mists everywhere, trust me.



Take your seat and await take-off. Keep in mind to be considerate.

Consider:

Them flight attendants have enough work ahead of them, so ignore their brushes against your shoulder or elbow from their svelte, shapely hips, and also, do not ogle their eye-level stuff as they pass-


Ahem.

I mean, it is your job to be an amenable Drunkard; to represent our kind as best you can.


DRINK! Always drink



(To Be Continued)



.
Can we drink now? ---peetie44
At rock bottom, there is no down. ---The Oett
^ ^ ^ Yes his entire cutlery set and all utensils are made from assorted broken bottles.--- The Artful Detective
Just remember Hugh: a good cocktail in a shitty glass is better that a shitty cocktail in a pretty glass.---The Badfellow
I'll buy the first round if you promise to stop being a cunt. --- Dear Booze

l...
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 7351
Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2004 7:03 pm
Location: Hiding.

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by l... »

mistah willies wrote:FLIGHT part Three


If you are a true Drunkard, then your flight towards the city of sin must include protein with high salt content for the travel. Salt is one of two excellent electrolytes; the other being “that stuff inside a banana.” Like, potassium, K?

Do not stuff a banana in your Carrion, nor anywhere else, you dirty-minded Drunkard. There are bananas all along the way, and perhaps you will be seated near one (or the worst: between two of them).

Two things you might consider, which are these:

1. Pack beef jerky, or turkey jerky if you are health conscious (yeah right and what the hell us up with that?), or tofu jerky if they make that sort of thing.

Question: Are there any proper Drunkards who are also vegan? If so, please PM me so that I can ascertain your reason and also offer to purchase one of your livers. Might come in handy down the line. (Just kidneying ya).



2. Instruct the cab driver to stop on the way to the airport at a fats food place to obtain some “chicken nuggets.” These naturally have high-salt content. Do not be tempted by any sort of dipping sauce. Opening them small containers aboard an aircraft never ends well. Use your purchased aircraft Drink as a dipping sauce.

If you pack any sort of jerky, then tooth floss is also indicated. If not, then use a corner of the bag. No need to be gross.



So, you are past security, and there is no bar ahead in your shitty little airport at the “end of the line” from where you begin your trip to the Desert Queen.


You will need to make a choice based upon your seating location.

Where have you planned to sit? Have you planned? Are you first class?

If you have first class seats, then good on you. Do as you wish. Skip this part and head directly to the city of sin to your penthouse. Rock well, and remember the rest of us wouldya? I’ll come knocking on your hotel door at the Wynn for comps.

If you are not in first class, then listen here.

Place your bag in the front-most overhead compartment available. Note its location. Memorize it.


Are you always Thirsty and in need of easy access to an airborne indoor out-house restroom? That would be the likes of me.

I spend extra for the aisle seat if need be. Only because I like to get up and stretch my legs (as in: be able to move about the cabin). Again, your intent is not to divert an aircraft.


If you have read this far, then you know your seating assignment, and if you have not gotten an aisle seat, then there is still hope. Hey, fuck the window seat and the idea of sleeping on an aircraft. The best buzz is high in the sky at low atmospheric pressure.

It’s lovely for visitors to Denver, but the effect wears off after three days there. (Once them FucKeRs come to our lower altitudes, they are like supermen against the rest of we mere mortals).

Option one: The flight might not be fully loaded, as you soon will be. When the door hatch closes, all open seats are free. If there is an aisle seat available, immediately move to it. It is yours now. Own it with a smile to your new roommate.

Option two: There will always be a split up couple. A couple of what? Family members? Spouses? Bananas? Offer to help them out, but only if there is an aisle seat, or else if you’ve found yourself stuck between two bananas.

Option three: Make peace with the fact that you are going to have to continuously ask people to get up so that you can replenish your Drink and evacuate your bladder. This may work to your benefit if you do it enough times and they finally ask you to trade seats. Bonus points if they still travel with a huge laptop.


But always, always always head directly to the head at the rear of the plane to use the restroom. Get it all out. You see, ya might be delayed on the tarmac. You might have a long take-off. You do not want to use the air-sickness bag for purposes for which it was not intended. It mists everywhere, trust me.



Take your seat and await take-off. Keep in mind to be considerate.

Consider:

Them flight attendants have enough work ahead of them, so ignore their brushes against your shoulder or elbow from their svelte, shapely hips, and also, do not ogle their eye-level stuff as they pass-


Ahem.

I mean, it is your job to be an amenable Drunkard; to represent our kind as best you can.


DRINK! Always drink



(To Be Continued)



.

fucking awesome. :)
That's what I call Drunkard justice. I hate prisses like that. They're mincing their way through life when they should be marching. ~fkr.

I wish i could find me a woman who drinks!~ruiner..on lack of women drinkers.

Image

User avatar
Dear Booze
Drinking God's Good Scotch
Drinking God's Good Scotch
Posts: 2515
Joined: Thu Jun 27, 2013 11:01 pm

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by Dear Booze »

I'm loving this. The installments make for a cool and drunken serial
DRINK!

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

Dear Booze wrote:I'm loving this. The installments make for a cool and drunken serial
Very cool, young man. Please offer your own insights as how best to approach that magnificent, fickle beauty in the desert, as any proper Modern Drunkard might care or dare to share here, as each of us may.

Again, never a competition: merely as a contribution to FKR's own Hitchiker's Guide To Drunkardism?

Hey, you invented this thread Dear Booze...







DRINK!













.
Can we drink now? ---peetie44
At rock bottom, there is no down. ---The Oett
^ ^ ^ Yes his entire cutlery set and all utensils are made from assorted broken bottles.--- The Artful Detective
Just remember Hugh: a good cocktail in a shitty glass is better that a shitty cocktail in a pretty glass.---The Badfellow
I'll buy the first round if you promise to stop being a cunt. --- Dear Booze

User avatar
Dear Booze
Drinking God's Good Scotch
Drinking God's Good Scotch
Posts: 2515
Joined: Thu Jun 27, 2013 11:01 pm

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by Dear Booze »

The beautiful oasis in the desert is a fake. It’s a fucking fraud. It promises to give all that you can dream, yet fails to deliver. It does nothing but take. It’s a liar. A god damn liar. It’s a city built on the broken dreams of the working man. It was designed that way and knows no better.

There are countless grand hotels and casinos build on the designs of other real places and things. Paris, New York, Venice, Rome, Rio, and a Circus Tent. I often wonder when some smart developer will build a Las Vegas-themed casino. But then, what would it look like?

Besides the heartache, the let downs, and the losses, there is very little about Las Vegas that is real. But yes, in the neon Sodom and Gomorrah, there is booze. Plenty of booze. And if you play your cards right, it flows freely. So, like Lot’s wife, I always turn back.





So, please carry on mistah willies. Let's make our money back in the form of free cocktails.
DRINK!

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

^

Damn Fine.
Dear Booze wrote: So, like Lot’s wife, I always turn back.

Amen brutha

This is to where we head now, towards this desolate beauty, her knock at the door at 3AM and she wants just one more play from you, and she has a drink in hand for you.



(Ahem)




Let’s continue to the city of sin, shall we?

Thank you for saying yes.

Now keep in mind during your air travel that you are a proper Modern Drunkard.

You are an ambassador, a representative of the fine art of Drunkardism. You must show the un-informed the manner of proper Drunkivity.

You must also, always fight against the Drys.

Here is help for a seemingly desperate situation.


FLIGHT part Four: Stuffing Bananas


Let’s say that you have found yourself betwixt two bananas, with no other available seating, no traders (traitors!) and no hope for escape.


Ask the one in the aisle seat of they wouldn’t mind trading their seat with you.

You have thrombosis or blood clots in your legs, and the alcohol helps to thin the blood during travel, and you need to stretch your legs to move the booze through your circulatory system. You also will have to get up quite a bit to take a piss.

Women “pee,” men Piss. Never forget this. It’s onomatopoeias; “I’m onna make a piss.”

If they agree to let you have their aisle seat, then you are lucky enough to place them two bananas together, and they should get along quite well. If not, it’s none of your business.

At any rate, you appear to be on a winning streak. Save it for the poker table or perhaps craps, if you roll like that.


If they won’t budge, show them the folly of their bad decision not to give you their aisle seat. Get up as you will, even as you won’t. No need to make excuses. Fuck them bananas hard. Get up all the time. Before you take your seat again, stand near them. It’s unnerving to them. They will keep looking up at you to see if you are ready to sit again, but ignore them. When they look to comfortable, ask to sit again.

This is called, “using passive aggressive maneuvers to your advantage,” or, UPAMTYA.

Your behavior might be acrimonious, but the acronym says it all.

Our societal construct exists as a map, an unspoken agreement fully understood by all who are social that there are rules to follow. If you can navigate these outer reaches of such a mighty ocean, then it speaks well of your ability to traverse the strategies ahead, gambling in the city of sin.

An aircraft, by its inherent design for flight, reduces the area between our boundaries: our personal space, our mannerisms, even our inflection in our speech.

Small things matter a lot, even more so, here.


The beef jerky works wonders, you know.


Best of all is to head to the first class section up ahead when you feel a mighty wind about to blow. If you are not in first class, let them smell your anger at the injustice of the two-tiered class system.

Head through them damned curtains and release just as you have your hand on their executive washroom door handle. You will be shown out, and as you walk back to your seat, mutter, “Stinks up there anyways.” Folks will blame them aristocraps you’ve just defiled. Their stink wafts after you as you walk back, indignantly.


So,

You have found yourself seated among, next to, or (Gawd help you) betwixt bananas.

Them bananas like to talk, you know.

It is important that you have a set of those “ear-bud” headphones in one of your suit jacket pockets, preferably in the card pocket on the front left breast, beneath your snot rag.

You see, if you are seated by a banana, you can whip them ear-buds out and then plug them into your listening device in order to stave off the odd and curious diatribes from the banana at your side. Nod at them and smile, place your ear-buds in your ear-holes, and then close your eyes.

Crank it up. A proper Dunkard must never suffer inane conversation unless it is his own or those of the also-imbibing. That there is proper course, isn’t that right?


If you do not have ear-buds, hopefully there is a movie about to be shown.

If there is no movie to be shown, there is still hope for you my friend, if you have the blood:

1. Offer to buy your new roommate a drink. If they do drink, then they just might become more interesting. Hell, we all know that everyone else becomes more interesting the more we drink. Maybe you are paying it forward in this case, for yourself? If they are one of them DRY bastards, then:

2. At the first opportunity, unbuckle your seat belt and head to the head, the restroom, the indoor out-house. See if there are any tampons available in there. If not, go and ask them flight attendants if there are some personal devices for a lady who has been visited by Aunty Flo. You would like to have two of them. It’s a heavy month, a large moon, whatever.


Go back into the restroom and open them up. There will be two ear-plugs with strings attached. These are your new headphones, with “wires” to “plug in.” These plugs are your best friends now.

Place them in your ears and tuck the strings inside your jacket. You obviously do not have a listening device if you have gone through all this trouble, and it doesn’t matter. It’s all about appearances, and aircraft safety against the grandkids pics and descriptions of their first bowel movement etc. Gawd help you.


Sit back in your sad seat and nod and smile about and such and then close your eyes and listen for the drink cart.


(To Be Continued)










.
Can we drink now? ---peetie44
At rock bottom, there is no down. ---The Oett
^ ^ ^ Yes his entire cutlery set and all utensils are made from assorted broken bottles.--- The Artful Detective
Just remember Hugh: a good cocktail in a shitty glass is better that a shitty cocktail in a pretty glass.---The Badfellow
I'll buy the first round if you promise to stop being a cunt. --- Dear Booze

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

Hey, thanks for checking out the tale above. You are amenable Drunkards indeed.
Can we drink now? ---peetie44
At rock bottom, there is no down. ---The Oett
^ ^ ^ Yes his entire cutlery set and all utensils are made from assorted broken bottles.--- The Artful Detective
Just remember Hugh: a good cocktail in a shitty glass is better that a shitty cocktail in a pretty glass.---The Badfellow
I'll buy the first round if you promise to stop being a cunt. --- Dear Booze

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

Flight part Five: Navigation


Keeping in mind during your air travel that you are a proper Modern Drunkard, well then, the first order of business is to attend to the obtainment of our elixir of life. Bad things happen to you when your power source is with-held, but fun things happen when it is gained.


Again, it is not your intention to divert an aircraft on the journey to your primary destination.

On the way home? Well that sort of thing may offer a new adventure for you and those along for the ride with you. But that may be a tale for another Drunkard day.


Now listen here. Tampons in your ears are your punishment for not taking the time to plan your travel accordingly. It has been recently announced that liquid containers will soon be allowed through security. Plan well my friend for proper, safe travel in the Drunkard manner when that day arrives.

But here, in this tale, you are relegated to purchasing alcohol from flight attendants, and these folks are your new best friends, isn’t that correct?

Therefore, never make a “witty remark” unless it is to commiserate with them briefly on their work in attending to so many difficult people who are not you, aboard the aircraft.

In fact, it’s probably best to not say much at all.

But follow these guidelines instead. They may help you.


Since you have been force-feeding your liver a lot of pre-flight alcohol in a public restroom, then you must do some simple math here:

Keep an eye on the line at the restroom. Always. Look around for it. It may be directly behind you. (Hopefully so for accessibility, or hopefully not, depending on your olfactory sensitivity to shitsmell.)

Never let the drink cart get too close to you when you discover a need to rise from your seat and bless the open sky below with your own baptism. Bless the farmers and their crops who grow grain in their odd circles on the land way down there.

If you are drink-blocked by the cart, then that is your own damned fault. Don’t be a rookie. Never let the drink cart get between you and your seat, nor you and the restroom, unless you have your glass full and your bladder empty.


(A drink is indicated here. Cheers to the parched soul. *sip* Let’s continue, shall we?)


When the attendant finally, finally reaches your seat number; the odds indicate that s/he will first attend to the folks in the group across the aisle instead of your own party.


Here is where we practice our resolve. S/he will attend to and then finish their requests, and then she will ask the person stuffed against the window seat on your side, peering over you. You in your aisle seat will be the last one served. That’s how it goes.

Your resolve to not blurt out your request (never order a drink in such a place, only request it) can help you to appreciate the marvelous quality of anticipation.

Wait, what?

Yes, imagine that the old advertisement showing the slow approach of ketchup from a bottle is actually showing a pour of Kentucky Bourbon in slow-motion. That will help.

A drink is a drink.

But drinking is an art form.

It starts with anticipation.

It involves preparation.

The ritual for the worship of any god is the most important aspect.

Follow me here, cool?


You see, it is this “ritual” that we humans follow to induce the best effect. Do you get all of your accoutrements ready before you take a sip? Of course you do.

First, obtain Miss Ethyl, and perhaps ice? Locate your shaker, your chalices (martini glasses, tumblers, or be they snifters?), your fruit (olives, cherries, lemons, etc.) your roots (pearl onions, ginger, pineapple, whatever) and your mixers, your flavors, your spoon, your cotton swab, your needle, your grinder, your straw, your mirror, your bottles of pills with tamper-proof lids, your pipe your bong your glass tube for rock your favorite inflatable doll your battery operated devices your bible your rosary your TV remote your lottery numbers your …


Ahem.


Well.

Anticipation is inherent in the ritual of anything we humans enjoy, you see.


So, hold your breath, mind your manners, and wait your turn.

When it finally, finally comes, look up and offer a smile to the attendant. Be decisive and quick, no small chat. Ask if you may have a couple of drinks. The answer will always be yes. If you order three, then the attendant may give you an odd look. They might fill your drink request, but trust me, you will be cut off.

Never order anything other than hard stuff with ice and perhaps a mixer, and tell them that you’ll mix them yourself. Or two wines, or two beers (fuck the light beer, right?)

You have your drinks and they can move on.

You may encounter disapproving looks from those around you, since it is 6AM. But keep in mind that you do not need their approval. Fuck em. They may be envious, or wish that they had ordered likewise.

If you feel the need to explain, tell them that, “Budapest was brutal.”

Keep your glasses handy, if the path to the restroom is blocked. They may come in handy.


When the drink service is finshed, then you have the opportunity to dispose of your empties in the waste-hold near the attendant station (never make them dispose of your empties, that is rude). But keep your ice and your plastic cup back at your seat, in the pocket.

And then re-request some drinks for your neighbors and you. it doesn't matter if it's a different attendant or not. But from here on in, you have made yourself noticeable. Be aware of this.


Next stop, the intermediate bar, I mean, leg of the trip to the city of sin.


.
Can we drink now? ---peetie44
At rock bottom, there is no down. ---The Oett
^ ^ ^ Yes his entire cutlery set and all utensils are made from assorted broken bottles.--- The Artful Detective
Just remember Hugh: a good cocktail in a shitty glass is better that a shitty cocktail in a pretty glass.---The Badfellow
I'll buy the first round if you promise to stop being a cunt. --- Dear Booze

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

FLIGHT part Six: INTERMISSION



You are on a mission.

Your goal is a Golden Nugget, and there are milestones along the way to track your progress. But you will also need to power-up. Obstructing your trajectory is something that should never exist.

You have de-bladdered (Piss for men, Pee for the wee ones) and also have the last $5 drink in the seat pocket in front of you for the landing at the next stop: The Intermediate Bar.



“Please stow your shitty little table and secure your seat-belt. We are about to approach the landing area where we will spend another 45 minutes circling about like pink elephants.”

Me?

I like to save the last drink for deplaning. If you cannot help yourself, then go ahead and drink it up. You will have to refill that container instead of using the indoor-outhouse because you will not be able to move out of your seat.

Small wine bottles and even tinier shotties do not compare to the almighty beer can. Keep in mind the sharp edges of the mouth hole. (That’s what she said)



Deplaning is the worst thing not invented. Certainly there exists a true map for how to go about it, but no one has ever dug it up.

You finally, finally touch ground and there will be another length of time before you reach your gate.

At least you can turn your cell phone on and read MDM.


Eventually you will reach the gate and the Captain will turn off the seatbelt light.


For some odd reason, the youngfellas about you will jump right up as soon as they can in order to grab their overhead bags, but this is asinine behavior. Or bovine. Whatever. Let them grab the bags over their head and fondle them as they are fond to do as they stand like dicks for a priapismic length of time.

There will be more waiting, and if you are not in the proper frame of mind, it can be infuriating.


Again, anticipation is key.


The air conditioning will turn off, and perhaps some soothing, arid, liquid music will begin to play, either from Enya or the lovely Kate Bush.


As you remain in your seat, turn your head away from the eye-level arses and sweaty packages of your fellow travelers. Nod at your seat mates. You are showing true class, Modern Drunkard Style.

Say something to them bananas next to you like, “Well, I’m glad that you have landed safely. Ya know, them bastards up in First Class would have crashed before us.” Or something better than that.


As you wait for folks up there begin to remember where their bags were stowed (by themselves) and fumble and fondle each other while they hold up the rest of the passengers,

Well,

You have a drink in the pocket of the seat before you.


You recall where you had stowed your Carrion way up forward (never, ever behind you, for crissakes) and you can snag it on the way out with debonair finesse.


However, you open your drink, you pour it onto the remaining ice in your plastic chalice.


You make a toast:


“Here’s to the start of the Real journey.”

And then you sip like mighty fucking Drunkard.


You have miles to go, and drinks to sip, and every step along the way is another opportunity to DRINK.


Let the cattle head off to their slaughter house as you sip.


You have a better destination, a milestone, and that is where the fun begins.



Next stop: Airport Pub.



.

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

Airport Pub



Race is everything. You need to be racial. Now listen to me here.


You have waited for the turtles to move on, and there are jacks behind you, but you have a smooth glide along the exit aisle because you are properly lubricated.

You reach up for your Carrion and now you are done. You have left everything behind; the tofu jerky, them plastic chalices of ice, the last empty soldier, and them friggin bananas. (They always hold everyone else up.)

You grab your bag and head on out.

The nearest restroom is obviously your immediate destination. Race to it. You have broken the seal and the ocean needs to flow.


Wha?


Yup.


The first time you get up from your seat when you have been drinking a whale and then you take a piss, then the seal has been broken, which means that you will have to keep getting up.



Finish your restroom business and let’s head to a good pub, shall we?


(Ahem)


The airport pub is a mixed drink. It is both very expensive, and also, very expensive.
Do not be pensive. You have been sitting between and betwixt bananas and you deserve a good daiquiri.

I kid you.

It’s important here to consider your options. Alcohol pours freely in the airport, and it is not free. The only free thing is your choice of from where to DRINK next. It behooves you to hold your horses.

Me?

I like the less crowded places. Don’t you? It makes sense. But the best thing to do is to find the harried woman.

She be the one who is the busiest, and she may not be all that hairy. She is the one who is over-working, not sitting with her face to her cell phone and ignoring everyone.

When you want something to get done, ask a busy person. Shit will get done, my friend.

Take a seat and wait your turn. When she comes to you, be quick and decisive about your drink.

If you tip her well, (which means here: very well) she will pay attention to you. Your next drink will be quite strong. Make mind to never complain about a drink being too strong. Are you nuts? Also, never eat nuts nor pretzels from a bowl in an airport bar. Thousand of fingers have gone in there before. Sounds like the queen of the desert, my apologies.

While she makes your drink, commiserating with her about her busy job can help her to defuse, and since she is not allowed to accept a drink paid for by you, then truly, commiseration is a drink that soothes the hairy soul.

Do not make eye contact with her until you are thirsty again, or unless she says anything at all to you out of turn.


Now you will have time to quaff and chat with your fellow Drunkards.


You have found these folks, and the chaff is separated from the queef by the enjoyment of the Lovely Miss Ethyl.

We all miss her when we don’t have her, and even when our glasses are full. Amen.

A sip is indicated here. *chug* (Halle-fuckin-lujah to the gods of booze and where the hell is the Hungarian brandy?)

You are in an airport pub of your choice, and you are an Ambassador of Drunkard Nation.

Look sharp.

Now mind your boarding time on your ticket. It’s always proper to have allowed for a solid amount of time between flights to get alit. Your flight is nonstop.


Make your gate however you will and don’t forget to evacuate before embarking on the next leg. Don’t be a dog.


Rinse and repeat your flights and landings in this described manner as you will or won’t until you find yourself arriving at the marvelous city of sin, the Desert Queen.







PART SE7EN TOUCHDOWN




The reason that you have taken an early flight is that you (hopefully) will land in the city of sin with enough time to go out and explore. It is proper to enjoy the warmth of the desert that the queen affords you.

The air may attempt to make you dry, but keep in mind that we Mighty Drunkards fight an unending siege against the Drys. They must not prevail! Ya know, them Drys exist in the city of sin, and they have their work cut out for them. They have become dried out and now they are kinda crazy.


The aridity of the desert necessitates the intake of our other best friend: H2O. Yup, it’s true. There is no need to punish one’s liver with dehydration. Alcohol, coffee and tea make the ladies want to wee. But real men take a piss, and water is our Miss.

But our Mistress is Lovely Ethyl, and proper lubrication awaits, after you do your chores.

Now, the first thing you need to do is ask a professional where your checked luggage will be off-loaded from the aircraft. There are carousels on the lowest level that hold your bottles wrapped in your pants within them now-damaged bags. Resist the urge to head to the nearest bar for a DRINK.

Find the nearest head and relieve yourself. If glory holes are your thing, ignore them as well. In fact, ignore the urge to use one of the airport one-armed-bandits as well.

Money is better spent on true professionals. The city of sin awaits you in promises that she may deliver, if you resist cheap temptation and play your, well, if you follow this here map.

You do not want to sip at an airport bar where you have deplaned. Show some resolve. You have all you need in your checked baggage. Drink awaits, and anticipation is key. You see, you will have to make certain that you grab your bag before someone else does, or before it ends up in unclaimed baggage.

Odd, thing, here: side note. Why is it that as the carousel starts up, all of the folks begin to crowd closer and closer to it? Are they mesmerized by the colors of bags and their little ribbons attached to the handles, all of primary colors?


Resist the urge to ride them ponies on the carousel. This is not Reno. Keep your head, man. Save that for the professionals.

I mean, you haven’t even gotten to your taxi. Let’s attend to that, shall we?

So, you have your bag in hand (now put it away and zip it up before anyone sees, you, ya dirty Drunkard, and mind the beans and frank while you do) and locate your checked luggage.

The taxi curb is near the doors on the side that glow with bright sunshine. The other side is where the sadness of folks awaiting a shared bus fills the sky with the blues of desperation. It will take them an hour to reach their destination. They will dry out. Fuck that shit.

The shiny windows reveal the path to them excellent taxis. Spend a few bucks for a personal ride. I mean, your own vehicle. You will be in your hotel room much sooner, unwrapping your gifts for yourself from your pants.

I mean, them bottles rolled up in your many pairs of pants and sippers.


Jeez.


Now, the line for them taxis is like the wait for a ride at Dizzney World. The line loops about several times, but no worries. You have the opportunity to pass by folks ahead of and also behind you. It’s like a visual buffet. Some pans are odd looking and some dishes are appealing. Resist the urge to look back and check the rear view. Everyone in line behind you will be looking at you when you do. Trust me. It’s a bit odd.


The wait line is the great equalizer simply because those who want a taxi have to wait their turn. Unless you have a limousine driver awaiting at your gate when you deplane. If so, good on you. What is your room number at the Vdara? I’m counting for you, my friend.

So, yeah, you have your taxi, and your hotel is in sight.

One thing to keep in mind is that you will be tipping people quite a bit. Hopefully she enjoys it. I mean, you have to understand whom to tip or not, and how to fend off the scavengers outside each convenience store. They are always trying to get gas money so they can get home.


See you at the boss pit.



Time to have a sipper...





DRINK!






.

User avatar
Dear Booze
Drinking God's Good Scotch
Drinking God's Good Scotch
Posts: 2515
Joined: Thu Jun 27, 2013 11:01 pm

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by Dear Booze »

Truth!
DRINK!

User avatar
mistah willies
Drinking Like W.C.
Drinking Like W.C.
Posts: 6747
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 9:48 pm
Location: A ship upon the vast ocean of the Mighty MDM
Contact:

Re: The Liquid Las Vegas Vacation

Post by mistah willies »

Happy Thanksgiving ya bunch of mighty Drunkard summina bastidges. Perhaps it is proper to offer thanks to whatever you believe in, whatever you bow down to or offer animal sacrifices for, or kill with,

...but keep in mind the first person to ever had thought of taking a sip from a vessel of fermented grains, grapes, or potatoes.


AMEN.





WYSIWYG



Have you chosen your hotel with Drunkardivity involved in the decision process and the target in mind?


Please say yes.



If not, then here is some help for you my friend.


But here on in, always remember that the true path to a pirate’s treasure is located on a map by the mighty X.


Now let’s explore, shall we?




There are three purposes for folks to visit the Desert Queen, and they are these:


1. To show your significant lover a really good time. The big hotels on the strip await you, and they are amazing with their entertainment value. Hell yes, spend the extra money for them shows. You will be pampered (which here in ‘Murica means: treated like a big fat baby) in your Very Nice Room with concierge assistance at the drop of a ten, each time. Read no further, and be sure to FB your pics from your excellent time for all to see. Keep in mind to never drop your ten” unless you are behind closed doors, and you have paid a bit more. Gawd help you if you are using metric length here.



2. You want to gamble again and also want to try to win your money back from the last time, and if you are licky enough to travel there on business expense, then keep in mind to separate the charges between corporate and private cridiot cards. You will have a much more interesting time, no doubt, than the first option above. Yet, keep in mind the old Chinois Curse of, “May You Live In Interesting Times.” Hell, we don’t want to be boring, true? Unless, that is, you have some boring in mind…




3. You want to fully explore the explosions, the repercussions, the cents for the centsless, and resultant in-no-cents, and the idea of losing your will and gaining utter depravity that makes cents only when you have survived and can write your memoirs in your deathbed. You will drink enough to kill all of them bananas, them whales, them turtles and jacks, and hopefully your deathbed is not located in them sandy Dunes.


Make your choice. Above all, live well. There is no comp for a Dry way of life.



Next part: Using your roller bag for copious amounts of ice cold beer transportation from the nearest convenience store to your hotel room. Or, Why You Should Intimidate Weird Young Guys.


WYSIWYG, baby.


Yup.


Look sharp, young liver.


Be strong.


Offer your Thanksgiving cheer for the daring soul who first thought to take a sip of some fermented grain.



Amen.






DRINK!





.

Post Reply