The Cock-eyed Caucasus

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TheDrunkardAnglo
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The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo »

Trying to steal a bit of Dear Booze's thunder (he's an inspiration. a trendsetter) and maybe do a drunk-a-log of my upcoming trip to Turkey, Azerbaijan, Armenia and Georgia (Not the state). Starting Monday.

Then again I may just be in a cycle of drunkardedness and diarrhoea brought on by both drinking like a fish and eating like a pig, resulting in me forgetting about you fucks. Who knows? Not I Rabbi.

I've been to Turkey before and have had pretty good times drinking Efes on rooftop terraces, flirting outrageously with usually German women (don't worry, they don't all look like Oettinger) whilst trying to convince the locals to bring back the Fez.

Azerbaijan, Armenia and Georgia will be new though. I do not speak Azerbaijani, Armenian or Georgian; but I have been learning Russian for the past year so hoping some of that may come to use. I know Georgia is known for its wine and Armenia is known for its Brandy. So hopefully i'll be able to produce somewhat entertaining wine-drunk and brandy-brazed posts for you guys!
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by oettinger »

So you want to drink rake?
Drink!
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TheDrunkardAnglo
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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo »

Sunday. Day before the trip. Finishing the last of my liquor before I leave. It is both training and an excuse to buy more when I return. So far I'm in great drinking shape. I wake up and I shit excellent. Finished the rum last night. Only have vodka and whisky left.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by Nausea »

TheDrunkardAnglo wrote:
Sun Mar 13, 2022 5:28 am
Only have vodka and whisky left.
"Only whisky" is enough whisky.

Travel safely my friend, and I look forward to reading your exploits.
Don't worry. We're in no hurry.

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TheDrunkardAnglo
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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by TheDrunkardAnglo »

Day 1.

Got to Stanstead Airport very early. Managed to get entry to the club lounge for £26. My mission was to ensure I got value for money. With the rising airport prices for alcohol and food, taking advantage of all inclusive alcohol and food is not a difficult challenge. I had two breakfasts consisting of scrambled eggs, sausages, bacon, grilled tomatoes and breakfast potatoes and a lunch consisting of bologenese and cajun chicken. I had 6 beers, 3 whisky sodas and some shots of cheap brandy before I had to run to my boarding gate. Yes run. I got there in time clattering for my passport and coughing under my mask.

On a packed 4 hour flight to Istanbul I was placed in the perfect position. Surrounded by screaming children. Thankfully a somewhat saucy stewardess was piling me me with efes beer and chivas regal under the guise of a special offer. I'm not sure what the special offer was, I don't really get how Turkish lira works. 20 is a 1 pound? Anyway she kept my buzz going.

We land, I get in an argument with a taxi driver for trying to have me pay the bridge toll. Arrive at my airbnb, eat at some street kebab place plastered with pictures of Anthony Bourdain. Did he eat there? I'm not sure. Find a bar. From 24.00 -2.00 we drink. Loads of these street urchins with their children approaching for money. I've read enough Charles Dickens to know what true destitution is. I shoo them off each time with a backward swat to the air and sip of my beer.

It's 10.50 now in Istanbul. I'm experiencing my first shit. I fear a lot of wiping will be had this morning.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by Hugh »

TheDrunkardAnglo wrote:
Tue Mar 15, 2022 1:52 am
Day 1.

Got to Stanstead Airport very early. Managed to get entry to the club lounge for £26. My mission was to ensure I got value for money. With the rising airport prices for alcohol and food, taking advantage of all inclusive alcohol and food is not a difficult challenge. I had two breakfasts consisting of scrambled eggs, sausages, bacon, grilled tomatoes and breakfast potatoes and a lunch consisting of bologenese and cajun chicken. I had 6 beers, 3 whisky sodas and some shots of cheap brandy before I had to run to my boarding gate. Yes run. I got there in time clattering for my passport and coughing under my mask.

On a packed 4 hour flight to Istanbul I was placed in the perfect position. Surrounded by screaming children. Thankfully a somewhat saucy stewardess was piling me me with efes beer and chivas regal under the guise of a special offer. I'm not sure what the special offer was, I don't really get how Turkish lira works. 20 is a 1 pound? Anyway she kept my buzz going.

We land, I get in an argument with a taxi driver for trying to have me pay the bridge toll. Arrive at my airbnb, eat at some street kebab place plastered with pictures of Anthony Bourdain. Did he eat there? I'm not sure. Find a bar. From 24.00 -2.00 we drink. Loads of these street urchins with their children approaching for money. I've read enough Charles Dickens to know what true destitution is. I shoo them off each time with a backward swat to the air and sip of my beer.

It's 10.50 now in Istanbul. I'm experiencing my first shit. I fear a lot of wiping will be had this morning.
Love it! Hey, go to a Turkish bath and shit all over the place.

Dear Booze is at this moment wiping the sweat from his brow and muttering, "Fuck. I'm outta business."

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TheDrunkardAnglo
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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

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Day 2 - first full day in Istanbul.

Wake up at 10.00 local time. I'm very much suffering from the previous days decadence. We walk from our Airbnb in Taksim to the old town stopping along the way to have a few coffees and teas. It restores me. We go into the Hagia Sofia just after that day's prayers. The imam is still there praying with a few people who stayed to the end. "Bless us Father for the alcohol we're about to consume" or whatever the Islamic equivalent of that is. Anyway we leave, our thirst is taking over. Go to an old rooftop bar looking over the mosques on one side and the bosphorus on the other. Getting through pints of Efes as the calls to further prayers are being played in the background. It was nice, I was getting a good buzz. Though the coldness and carbonation of said beer was starting to cause me problems.

Some American lady from Washington state was there and was pretty keen to join the conversation and have a few beers. We stayed for two more beers out of politeness... but ultimately we were supposed to move on. When the imam unknowingly blessed my jihad of intoxication I think he'd want us to follow this path devoutly, not get distracted by other matters. This and the waiter was getting over familiar and chatty too.

We head back to Taksim see the square. The monument to Turkey's founders. Grab some dinner and then we hit the bars. We found one bar which had the cheapest beers and cocktails. They also had a pretty good playlist. To help with the beer we ordered long island ice teas with every round of beers. We were there for a long time. With current situation Istanbul is filled with Russians. With my shitty Russian our drinking team of two quickly turned to three and then five. We talked of the situation and we drank. We got bored of the long island ice teas, the bartenders added too much lime, and so we just stuck to shots with our beers.

The bar closed at 3.00 and so we walked back to the airbnb. Stopping along the way for a cheeky kebab. I got distracted talking to some students when our food was there we just took it and slowly walked away. Completely hammered, we forgot to pay. After a few people ran up to us we then walked back to pay, had a laugh with the guys running the restaurant.

I crashed out to wake up now worse for wear, but alas, this is another day's entry.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by Dear Booze »

This is a fun read. I have so many questions. I'll start with this: What is a cheeky kebab?
DRINK!

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

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Dear Booze wrote:
Wed Mar 16, 2022 8:43 pm
This is a fun read. I have so many questions. I'll start with this: What is a cheeky kebab?
It's basically when you don't need or necessarily want a kebab but get one anyway. Its cheeky. This kebab gave us very minor food poisoning, so I'm thinking it was more naughty than cheeky. Though the cheeky/naughty system is not a science.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by Dear Booze »

TheDrunkardAnglo wrote:
Wed Mar 16, 2022 10:14 pm
Dear Booze wrote:
Wed Mar 16, 2022 8:43 pm
This is a fun read. I have so many questions. I'll start with this: What is a cheeky kebab?
It's basically when you don't need or necessarily want a kebab but get one anyway. Its cheeky. This kebab gave us very minor food poisoning, so I'm thinking it was more naughty than cheeky. Though the cheeky/naughty system is not a science.
Wait, the imam's blessing didn't help? You still got the shits?

Good thing I didn't take that bet. Rye said it would work. He tried to bet $100.

What happened on day III?
DRINK!

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

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Day 3

I awake worse for wear. Inflamed bowel. Coughing. I get out of bed slightly too quickly. I'm lightheaded and nauseos. I stumble to the bathroom.

I'm met with the stench, A fog like scent, a smell so thick you could chew on it. It was left, moments before, by my travel companion. He loved the kebab, but the kebab did not love him. Larry did not meet Sally.The lambs were screaming, and a sacrifice had been made.

The scent. It hit me in the gut. Like a punch from Iron Mike back in the late 80s. I gag. I gag again and then rush to the toilet bowl. Gag, gag, and vomit. Twice. A pick and mix of chewed meat and red onion litters the toilet bowl amongst all sorts of different coloured liquids.

I wipe the rim of the toilet seat before sitting on it myself to empty the greasy contents of my own stool. Directly onto my vomit. Why not flush beforehand? I do not know. I guess in my hungover state I had acquired a deep concern for the waste of water.

Anyway, shower, dress leave. Head towards the Sultan's Palace. Fucking Istanbul's seven hills. They attempt to kill me. I'm panting. Why did the Byzantines need to copy the Romans? Was it to punish hungover British tourists with minor food poisoning? Who knows? The bloody Greek whores!

Alas there's a bar. We stop. We have a few coffees, a couple of teas and some beer. It helps though it doesn't save me. We arrive at the Palace. Sit outside have a few Turkish teas, some Turkish delight and smoke my pipe. Look deeper into the museum. "Where the fuck is the Ottoman shit? Let's just grab some drinks" we cry.

We walk towards the bosphorus. Stopping at a bar. Have some Turkish small plates. My friend goes through the leffe whilst I destroy the bar's supply of Havana club.

We jump on a ferry and head to the Asian side of the city puffing away on the pipe on the way there. Have a few beers and some dinner. Get back on the ferry and ferociously puff a cigar as the winds start to freeze my little nips off.

Walk back to the airbnb, stopping off at a jazz bar. Have a few craft Turkish beers and walk back up the giant hills.

We head to bed at around 24.00 for day four we fly to Azerbaijan.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by Dear Booze »

Awesome day! You are a goddamned beast. I'm a huge pussy when it come to a case of the shits. No possible way I venture out so quickly. Impressive, indeed!
DRINK!

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by Dear Booze »

BTW, I like to listen to this while reading this thread:

https://youtu.be/xo0X77OBJUg

And, please remember, if you've got a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul.
DRINK!

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

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Day 4

Wake up pretty refreshed, head to the Istanbul Airport. Going through a Turkish Airport is almost as chaotic as Turkish driving. You have to go through security three times. The turks seem to be travelling with all their worldly possessions, fighting to put their bags, some bigger than a child, on the scanner. It's a real ball ache. There seems to also be a shocking amount of people who had very recently undertaken hair transplant surgery. Some on their face too, unhappy with their inability to grow a beard. I first thought they were a stag do who have gone through some boisterous ritual for public humiliation.

Anyway, with all the fucking about, I wasn't able to get any drinks before boarding the plane. Furious.

We take off, we land in Baku. Met by the guy whose apartment we're renting. He's picked us up in a Maserati. I explain we were expecting a dilapidated Lada. He laughs as he's speeding down the motorway, darting between lanes like an arsehole, "when I heard that my boys were considering the bus I said no. They will arrive in Baku with some style." He explains that in the oil rich nation of Azerbaijan petrol is under one U.S. Dollar per a gallon.

We arrive at the apartment, a shocking luxurious top floor flat built in the Stalinist era. The floor has a magnificent hard wood. There is a balcony that looks out onto central Baku. We get a local sim card for 4g and Google maps and then head to the bar. To celebrate St Patrick's day we head to a pub called Finnegans. Inside it structurally is very Islamic, with a domed ceiling, but with the decoration of your typical Irish bar that you see all over the world. Smoking is inside. It is glorious. The local beer, which they describe as unfiltered is served in Weizen glasses and costs around £2.40 per 500ml. They also have a more lager based beer which I am yet to try.

We drink several before moving on. Stopping along the way at a hookah lounge and restuarnt we have two Cuba Libres and we go. Next stop an Azerbaijani wine bar. A bottle of dry Azerbaijani red. Fuck, these guys can make wine. We finish the bottle and we go.

Next stop a cigar bar. We have a Romeo y Julieta Belicosos followed by a Churchill. Two double cognacs. We state we're going to have a quiet one. My fellow drunkard reader, the events that follow this moment is to say the least not quiet.

We go to another pub three beers in. We're joined by some Azerbaijan chap who tries to talk to me, a Crystal Palace fan, about quality English football. Mate, as a result of this i've never seen quality football. He tried to get me to buy him a drink, no fucking way. We finish our beers and fuck off.

We find a club/dive bar type thing. Loud music, just spirits. Two Cuba Libres, followed by Long Island ice teas. The music is shit, but, the drinks are pretty good. The barman hands my friend a pack of cigarettes. We smoke. The barman does a weird split type thing. I say to him "what the fuck was that? You're going to crush your balls!" He didn't find it funny he explained to me he was a wrestler. Fine, good luck pal.  "This is such a fucking cockfest" my friend says to me as the beat drops. The beat rises. I nod. I shout "let's go" in his ear. We leave.

We go directly next door. Can't remember the name of the club. Shit club music. We're inside. Sitting on the stalls opposite the bar man. We're drinking long island ice teas with Tequila shots on the side. The barman is fucking loving the music. At random points as the dj is doing whatever the fuck that guy does, the barman launches sparklers.

Not my thing, but the barman is quick with the drink and he compliments my Russian. I'm flattered. I then find out his card machine isn't working. Fuck sake. A walk to the ATM. On the way, I bump into two very attractive girls. They throw out a bit of Russian. I reply "я Англичанин". They ask me where I'm staying. I'm vague, very unspecific. "Apartment". "How about we go back to yours" they say. I reply "you'll have to seduce me first". They miss the joke and say one word "sex". I respond "not tonight ladies". They walk off.

I get to the ATM. I'm gagging for a piss. End up taking one in a secluded spot by some commercial bins outside of McDonald's.

I get the money out. I head back to the club. My travel companion says "shall we just leave". "We've got to pay I say". We decide to stay for more drinks. The music is blasting. My friend types into apple notes "why are all the women in this place lesbians". Sadly I nod. Its too late to find somewhere else. We're stuck here. We take ice tea after ice tea, shot after shot. It hits. My friend types "lets go".

We head out, a few guys ask us to go drink vodka together. My mate is flagging, these street urchins can see this and they pounce. I dismiss them with some really poor Russian. We're out. Next adventure is to get some water. Walk into a shop. Pick up 5 litres of water. He types the number in a calculator, its too high. I realise now that he forgot the decimal point, but alas I said "you're taking fucking piss" we go back and forth. He takes two in Azerbaijani currency. We leave. Laughing "for fuck sake we're haggling over water now".

We get back, it's 5am. We sleep.
Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

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Re: The Cock-eyed Caucasus

Post by oettinger »

Kick ass. No to free Sex in a lesbo bar though?
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