THE CHASIST

[booznik]

Time for a slurred update on the current roster of graphic (extremely graphic in the case of SM) Chasist novel characters.

The Players (in alphabetical order):

Dr. Williesmanhattan - This brilliant scientist was accidentally magnetized during an experiment gone wrong. He now spends most of his time permanently affixed to airplanes against his will, due to his condition. However, the pull of airport bars is even stronger, so you will usually find him in one once the plane lands.

P.! - Your friendly modern moderator, and executive director of the Strategic Hazard Intervention For God's Sake Man How Many Sheets Do You Need Logistics Directorate. Next to his initial is an ever-present object that looks like an exclamation point, but is actually a ban-hammer. Never mistake it for a toilet brush.

Sgt. Nick Booz - Once shot down the Red Baron. Due to this achievement, he is now very popular in the speaking engagement circuit, and makes up to $10,000 just for talking for hours at anyone, until they fall over backwards and foam at the mouth. Uses these funds to sustain an impressive liquor collection.

SqualorMan - Infused with the power of vodka lemon (which somehow does nothing to squelch his impressive bilious stench clouds), he is the honorary* arch-enemy of P.! , and overall nice guy - just be sure to Skype him from a distance. And beware of his Russian sidekick and various other SqualorGang members. Also holds a doctorate in Basketball, for some strange reason.

TableSlayer - Did you know? TableSlayer usually goes after his namesake object, but he can also slay laptop PCs. He's also got the cure for what ales you. Just avoid the martini tonic at all costs.

Will more characters emerge? It's anyone's guess! Stay tuned to the CHASIST. And DRINK!

*Somebody else holds the true honors.

[Palinka (RIP)]

From a recently found NSA Transcript.

Memorandum

From: Assistant Director (Ops), NSA
To: All Field Agents and other relevant personnel.

Hi there, boys and girls,

Please be aware that the FBI, Interpol, The RCMP and other agencies tasked with upholding the law, have recently identified a new agent of the SqualorGang.

At the moment s/he is believed to be operating somewhere in Germany and is known only by the sobriquet "Toss'em Off Possum".
This, wholely artificial creature (which is believed to have been given "life" by three dubious characters of low moral standards and hygene, Messrs H. West, E. Pretorius and a Dr F.N. Furter (all of whom are in secure units, awaiting questioning).

If seen, said artificial marsupial is to be shot on sight! Do not allow it to get under your belt and ask it no questions; just pull the godsamned trigger.

N.B. This is the official policy of the current Director of the NSA (Red States); who thinks that it'll be pretty godsdamned funny when he serves it up to The RiPT Rectum, instead of his usual diet of roadkill.

So, until such time as we are able get the current Director sectioned and sent to the booby hatch, those are your standing orders. May the gods have mercy upon your soul.

P.S. I am advised by the Agency Doctor to remind you all, yet again, to check under the lid of your toilet for SqualorMan (it's also a good idea to number the sheets of your toilet paper, so that you can check to see if any are missing).
If you are ever in any doubt as to whether SqualorMan or SqualorLad may be hiding just behind the S-Bend of your toilet (and we lost three good Agents to that trick, in just the last seven days), you are fully authorised to fire a full clip of, your Government Issued, 0.44 calibre rounds into said toilet. Better safe than missing a chunk of your ass, boys.

Now, off you go; and remember, let's be safe and hygenic out there.
Yours blah blah blah,
Assistant Director (Operations), yadda yadda yadda...

Are you getting this down verbatim, Ms Squam...Wait...Ms Squam?!? Oh dear gods! It's you, SqualorMan!...Look...I can get you anything you want <sobs> anything! Just don't AAAAAAARRRRGG...

<squelching noises>

- (decoded from off-mike) "Mein Gott but I luff it vhen dey soil demselffes first. Now, vhere ist mein toilet paper dessert?"

<eating noises>

********Transcript Ends*********

Be afraid, people. Be very afraid (and check your toilet before you sit down)!

[Patchez]

Technically Inner Circle did the COPS theme song. Granted it was a cover song.

[Donald J. Drunk]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... 7269175001

[booznik]

Technically Inner Circle did the COPS theme song. Granted it was a cover song.

Indeed.

All suspects seen in THE CHASIST are buzzed until proven plastered.

link

Squalorific.

[booznik]

From a recently found NSA Transcript...

S.H.I.F.G.S.M.H.M.S.D.Y.N.L.D.
-- Intra-Agency Memorandum –-
To: Director P.!
From: Sgt. Nick Booz
Subject: Squalor

Sir,

In light of the hilarious yet seriously disturbing NSA transcript recently published on SqualorLeaks, I believe it is imperative that we act quickly, before the element of surprise is lost. I have alerted my Howling Drunkards to be ready for deployment at a moment’s notice. I have just returned from Intelligence Division, where the news regarding Project Bogroll (the surveillance effort on SqualorMan’s lair) is not good.

The hidden cameras that were placed in the lair, at the cost of 2 brave agents who had their buttocks eaten off and then were left for dead, have proven ineffective. Initially, even our most senior agents and civilian staff were unwilling to watch the video revealed, due to its horrifying nature. This soon proved moot, however, when it became clear that the cameras were being found and eaten by SqualorMan’s pet Sumatran rat-monkeys. Within a week, every single camera was discovered and consumed.

My first request is permission to deploy Dr. Williesmanhattan in order to maintain situational awareness. If we clamp him onto a suitable aircraft for aerial recon, no one should be the wiser, including the SqualorGang. As he is customarily lit up like a Christmas tree, he will be mistaken for aviation safety lighting. I request that Q-Division equip him with as much Kraken as he deems necessary to complete the mission safely and effectively.

Secondly, I believe we have a limited time window in which to take advantage of the situation, before the leaked transcript is widely distributed. Once the news gets out, our enemies will be fortifying their S-bends with razor wire, and equipping their bathrooms with automated machineguns of the type seen in the film “Aliens”.

The details of my strategic plan follow:

- Alpha-priority override all Research Division activities, and engage them in determining a method with which we might “paint” certain targets as desirable to SqualorMan and his associated gang. I’m no scientist, but no doubt toilet paper will be involved.

- Utilize this subversion to turn the entire SqualorGang into a controllable weapon.

- Target our enemies. At best, they will be eaten. At worst, they will be missing chunks of their asses.

I have made up a short list of suitable targets, to include:

1) Morons Against Drinking When Not Driving.

2) The perpetrators of the J.D. water massacre.

3) That one who sued Slurred Be His Name.

I request an urgent meeting with the entire team to strategize, brainstorm, possibly designate additional targets, and drink heavily.

Respectfully,

Sgt. B.

[Palinka (RIP)]

Urgent Update

From: Acting Assistant Director (Ops), Anti Squalor Squad (ASS)

To: All Heads of Ops Teams (Worldwide)




Re: The Ongoing Hunt for the Archfiend SqualorMan


Dear Boys and Girls,

We have successfully located the, so-called, "SqualorCave" (believed to be the HQ of SqualorMan (see below for image - although not after eating, and even then, whilst wearing dark glasses). Unfortunately we lost 13.6 Field Operatives in the attempt to secure this "SqualorCave" (11 to some sort of mutated form of the Ebola Virus (godsdamnit, those morons were explicitly ordered not to breach their biohazard suits and even when wearing them to avoid any items that may look like clothing, and to stay out of the godsdamned fridge - we lost another to choking on his own vomit)) the other Field Operatives were lost piecemeal and ass first. We were lucky to pull FO14 out of there but that poor boy'll never twerk again.



Although SqualorMan appears to have abandoned this particular "Hideout" (and is, most likely once more loose in the sewerage system), an Executive Order (from five levels above The President) has come down stating that the only safe option is to nuke it from space. Unfortunately it does mean that there will be some collateral damage, fortunately the major metropolitan area to be affected will be Detroit.


We will be have a Brain-Storming (and some Bran-Storming) and, thanks to "The Swiss Doctor", a literal Brain-Washing (there are some things that people, even in our line of work, just shouldn't have to live with - and a large portion of those are the Brain Parasites that seem to infest SqualorMan's bathing-suit area; even though they have no affect upon him).


So there we have it guys and gals. That's where we are at. However, to finish on a positive note, the boys and girls in the Lab are close to coming up with a type of toilet paper that could prove lethal to SqualorMan (sadly, at the moment it has a 100% mortality rate in the test subjects who have used it as the good lord (Andrex) intended - but we're working on that (well, working on living with it, anyway)).


Finally, I will remind you again, by Executive Order of the Director-General of ASS, all personnel with a rating of ASS-8, or higher, must disconnect from the mains sewerage and either install a septic tank (although this does risk providing SqualorMan with the equivalent all you can eat buffet) or (and this is the preferred option) use "Thunderboxes" and/ or chamber pots.


OK. Let's get to it, people...And, hey! Let's be hygienic out there!

[Mr. Viking]

twerk - hah

[Palinka (RIP)]

twerk - hah

Laugh it up, son. You won't find it so funny when half your butt gets gnawed off, due to you not checking your U-bend correctly, for SqualorMan.

So, shape-up, soldier. If you want to make it as an Agent of ASS, you'll need to lose the levity and increase the hygiene (it's the only defence against SqualorMan)!

[oettinger]

I hope you catch this filthy fuck one day,
You`ll need plenty of this:

And X-large versions of these:


But watch out when he goes into his liquid-mode, got any divers in ASS brave enough for the task?

[booznik]

...But watch out when he goes into his liquid-mode, got any divers in ASS brave enough for the task?

Thankfully, we have never seen SqualorMan go into liquid-mode, as he has always maintained ample dietary fiber via the TP that he eats. And lately, he seems to have an inexhaustible supply. It is a fair warning however, that if he were ever deprived of TP, for example by being imprisoned in a holding cell, he could very well fall back on his fail-safe liquid-mode power* in order to escape. This will definitely need to be taken into account in the event of his capture.

*Research Division refer to this confirmed ability as "Dire Diarr", "Directive 2-D", or more jocularly, "Splatter N' Scatter".

[booznik]

An ode to Grillin' Willies' fine steaks. Excuse me for being inni-briated. Toxinicated. It seems to always happen when I empty multiple bottles in the same evening.


(photo courtesy of NSA)

Cheers, my friend, to you, your fine family, and those crazed Injuns.

Also, to steaks. The stakes in life, mis-takes, poker stakes, the pale pickets and rod-like staves of paling posts, spikes, and sticks.

And furthermore, a toast to baking birds, fowl as they may be; you are not chicken, and will heat them until tasty.

We are here for a good time, not a long time. If none will follow, we will swallow, for Ethyl is our lady of love.

But soft, what sound through yonder laundry room breaks?

It is the carnivorous freezer, and its belly growls.

Ask not for whom the freezer growls; it growls for moose.

A full colon is the best colon, but should you have a bit removed, it is a semicolon.

Four score and seven years ago,

All good men must come to the aid of their country.

Period. Full stop.

It goes without saying: the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Drink, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we dye,

Bright red upon the shores of Carmine.

[mistah willies]

Simply marvelous, and quite honored, young man.

Now for the continuation of the very interesting tale that you men have been crafting.

Hmmm...

[Palinka (RIP)]

...Cheers, my friend, to you [...] Also, to steaks. The stakes in life, mis-takes, poker stakes, the pale pickets and rod-like staves of paling posts, spikes, and sticks...

"OK! Who's hogging the Stake Sauce?"

[booznik]

Those stakes are high!

ARRRRRRRRRR

Admiral Willies and Grand-Admiral Palinka,

I must report. A qualified sailor just measured the cut of my jib. I am officially 4 and 1/2 sheets to the wind.

As I just said "sheets", please burn this message upon receipt, lest SqualorMan get the wrong idea.