How do I politely kick my cousin out of the house

UnkleLemmy · Post by **UnkleLemmy** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 1:29 pm

I live with my sister, but she's on vacation for the week. Since left on friday and since saturday my cousin has decided to stay over every night. I love the guy but I was hoping for some quiet time by myself for once, just me and the bottle ya know? Plus he's unemployed and always making me buy him beer. I love to help a fellow drunk but he's really running me dry. I can't even afford to keep myself drunk, let alone two people. So, respecting his need as blood family and a broke drunk, how do I get him to head back to his own apartment for at least a night?

Palinka (RIP) · Post by **Palinka (RIP)** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 1:43 pm

I have always found a polite, "Why don't you just fuck off!" to be both succinct and to the point.
Good luck!
Cheers.

PS You could just get someone to e-mail him a link to this thread...

LuckyStrikes · Post by **LuckyStrikes** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:04 pm

I have that problem now and then. Had a broke, alcoholic cousin come down and stay with me this spring. A weekend turned into an infinity. After seven days, I locked up all the booze up in my bedroom. I suddenly went on a crash diet, stopped cooking (one night I offered her ketchup and crackers), and I disconnected the cable. She still wouldn't leave. The kicker was the 'rock painting' idea. On the tenth night, I brought in a big bag of small rocks, paint, tiny paint brushes and a big bible. Since she wasn't working and there wasn't much to do during the day since I was at work, she could paint scripture on rocks. I told her, "that way you won't feel so bad about mooching off me, you can make a little money." She left the next morning. On the big dog.

fdoosey · Post by **fdoosey** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:05 pm

Brilliant, Lucky, brilliant.

Put 'em to work and they'll run for the hills.

rednek buddha · Post by **rednek buddha** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:10 pm

wHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE TAKE ALL INTOXICANTS WITH YOU. Make sure and destroy all cigarette butts so they cant roll snipes, and when you leave turn off the main breaker and pull the box.

Thee Totaller · Post by **Thee Totaller** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:17 pm

there's fuckers that'll buy painted rocks?? hey boss, here's my two week notice

LuckyStrikes · Post by **LuckyStrikes** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:18 pm

Thee Totaller wrote:there's fuckers that'll buy painted rocks?? hey boss, here's my two week notice

All the stores down here have them, scripture painted on tiny rocks. I can send you some....

Thee Totaller · Post by **Thee Totaller** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:20 pm

thanks, please send me twelve rocks.

Palinka (RIP) · Post by **Palinka (RIP)** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:24 pm

LuckyStrikes wrote:
Thee Totaller wrote:there's fuckers that'll buy painted rocks?? hey boss, here's my two week notice
All the stores down here have them, scripture painted on tiny rocks. I can send you some....

Thank you for tonight's reason to get blind, staggering, mind-warped pished.
Jesus, what a fucking world...

LuckyStrikes · Post by **LuckyStrikes** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:24 pm

Thee Totaller wrote:thanks, please send me twelve rocks.

Right now the ones they can't keep on the shelves are the ten commandments. All ten on a pebble! And here in Alabammy, we got that real big rock sitting in our state capital with the ten commandments on it. Just in case you want a little state and church mixed together...

UnkleLemmy · Post by **UnkleLemmy** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:27 pm

LuckyStrikes wrote:
Thee Totaller wrote:there's fuckers that'll buy painted rocks?? hey boss, here's my two week notice
All the stores down here have them, scripture painted on tiny rocks. I can send you some....

Oooh! Can you get me one with my favorite verse?

"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces"
Malachi 2:3

or how about:
"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones"
Psalms 137:9

or the ever popular:
"There she lusted after her lovers, whoes genitals were like those of donkeys and whoes emissions were like those of horses"
Ezekial 23:20
(some wimpier new translations change it to "genitals" to "flesh" but we still get the picture, Ron Jeremy was alive in Biblical times)

Thee Totaller · Post by **Thee Totaller** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:48 pm

well at any rate, Lemmy, our colleagues have provided you a solution: hand your cousin some pebbles, AND tell him to fuck off.

Kegdrainer · Post by **Kegdrainer** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 2:49 pm

You can always just invite Superdave over. If you do though you better call me so I can watch.

jerryg · Post by **jerryg** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 3:04 pm

Ok, this might be stupid-like sit-com plot stupid. You said he HAS an apartment-so it's not like he's homeless or something. Get him drunk-real drunk. When he passes out-or is sound asleep, you grab his keys and go stay at his place. It might take him days to figure out where you are (except for the Toad). I assume he's somewhat trustworthy-that you won't return to a place devoid of tv, stereo equipment, etc. Bonus- he may have some booze at this place and you cen get payback for your hospitality by drinking up all his stuff.

Chelsea40oz · Post by **Chelsea40oz** » Wed Aug 27, 2003 3:18 pm

Blood alcohol content is thicker than...
Um, your blood is thicker than it ought to be because he is drinking away the supply of booze that you need to dilute it with! So there.
Incidentally, this sounds familiar. By any chance do you also have an uncle named Dave?