You will all pay for reading this thread.
Rodney Dangerfield Stand Up Jokes
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
The Crappy Jokes thread!
Moderators: Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, Judge, oettinger, Oggar, Badfellow, Mr Boozificator
- Lush City
- Chugging Like Churchill
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Found myself in the Matrix and took the red pill. Now I want the blue pill and my bottle and leave me alone.
- booznik
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Lush City wrote:You will all pay for reading this thread.
Badfellow wrote:
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur
"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow
"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies
"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo
"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow
"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies
"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo
- Smatter Noguts
- Boozing Like Bukowski
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
What's black and white and red all over?
I know, Barack Obama's too simple.
I'd like to see the kitten in a blender stuff if you're up to it.
I know, Barack Obama's too simple.
I'd like to see the kitten in a blender stuff if you're up to it.
- booznik
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
How do you make a kitten drink?Smatter Noguts wrote:I'd like to see the kitten in a blender stuff if you're up to it.
Put it in a blender.
...
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A life sentence.*
The tasteless twofer. Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night.
*There was a different version in the offensive bar jokes thread, but I like mine better.
"Booznik. Smooth, classy and manatee-like." --Bur
"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow
"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies
"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo
"Oh, you've been reading your Sir Kenelm Digby, haven't you? Stick to the mead recipes, especially that of the Mayor of Moscovy. That shizz is SACK!!!" --Badfellow
"Now stop and DRINK! bastards." --mistah willies
"A stand alone place for booze is as essential for a home, as is a bed to sleep on." --Miklo
- Smatter Noguts
- Boozing Like Bukowski
- Posts: 4948
- Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2006 10:05 pm
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
A German walks into a bar.
"Can I get you a drink? Asks the bartender.
"Nein!"
"Sorry Fritz, three's the limit around here"
"Can I get you a drink? Asks the bartender.
"Nein!"
"Sorry Fritz, three's the limit around here"
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
That was my call:
Whats blue and red and lying on the bottom of the pool?
A dead baby with flat water wings.
Whats blue and red and lying on the bottom of the pool?
A dead baby with flat water wings.
Drink!
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Why do you put baby in to a blender feet first?oettinger wrote:That was my call:
Whats blue and red and lying on the bottom of the pool?
A dead baby with flat water wings.
So you can see the expression on it's face!
Örf.. I've heard too many baby jokes.
- Lush City
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
A man who had been happily married for 50yrs. dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates he finds a few other souls in line to get in. Soon St. Peter shows up and asks the first man, "How faithful were you in your marriage?... Don't answer I'm looking into it right now... Well, sir from what I can gather to determine what sort of vehicle you will be awarded to drive in heaven based on your marital history , I've determined that you get to drive a top of the line Lexus". This first gentleman was delighted. The next guy not so much. He ended up entering the gates on a used Harley.
Now the man that had accumulated 50yrs. of marriage came forward and St. Peter beamed, "You've done exceptionally well. For your loyalty and devotion you get a band new Rolls Royce Silver Shadow convertible all in white! Hope you enjoy". This fellow is also delighted and drives off through the gates.
Soon, one day he's driving around downtown and approaches a stoplight followed by a '57 T-bird. They both stop at the light. On one corner they see a woman who throws a skateboard into the crosswalk and takes off across the street. The man in the Rolls is horrified and suddenly goes into a rage banging on his steering wheel and sobbing uncontrollably. The man in the T-bird starts honking his horn but there is no response. He gets out and walks up to the Rolls with the inconsolable occupant.
"What's wrong sir? What can be the matter here you have the finest vehicle I've ever seen. What could be troubling you?"
The man replied, "Did you see that woman cross the street on a skateboard".
"Yes, of course".
"That was my wife!"
Henny Youngman http://funny2.com/hennye.htm
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
Take my wife, please!
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Now the man that had accumulated 50yrs. of marriage came forward and St. Peter beamed, "You've done exceptionally well. For your loyalty and devotion you get a band new Rolls Royce Silver Shadow convertible all in white! Hope you enjoy". This fellow is also delighted and drives off through the gates.
Soon, one day he's driving around downtown and approaches a stoplight followed by a '57 T-bird. They both stop at the light. On one corner they see a woman who throws a skateboard into the crosswalk and takes off across the street. The man in the Rolls is horrified and suddenly goes into a rage banging on his steering wheel and sobbing uncontrollably. The man in the T-bird starts honking his horn but there is no response. He gets out and walks up to the Rolls with the inconsolable occupant.
"What's wrong sir? What can be the matter here you have the finest vehicle I've ever seen. What could be troubling you?"
The man replied, "Did you see that woman cross the street on a skateboard".
"Yes, of course".
"That was my wife!"
Henny Youngman http://funny2.com/hennye.htm
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
Take my wife, please!
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Found myself in the Matrix and took the red pill. Now I want the blue pill and my bottle and leave me alone.
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Why can`t you tell if a german took a fart?
Because they always smell that way! duh
What was the first thing going through hitler`s mind when the russians entered berlin?
A bullet.
What do you call a person suffering from leprosy sitting in a whirlpool?
Sherbet.
Because they always smell that way! duh
What was the first thing going through hitler`s mind when the russians entered berlin?
A bullet.
What do you call a person suffering from leprosy sitting in a whirlpool?
Sherbet.
Drink!
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Hitler enters the bar wearing a frog as his hat.
The bewildered barkeeper notices his regular and asks: Where the hell did you get that thing from?
To which the frog replies: Berlin
The bewildered barkeeper notices his regular and asks: Where the hell did you get that thing from?
To which the frog replies: Berlin
Drink!
- Smatter Noguts
- Boozing Like Bukowski
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
From grade school:
A tourist goes to the top of the Empire State bldg. he finds a bar on the roof full of city history and nostalgia. "What a great place!" He exclaims.
A drunk at the bar says,"You like this? Then you'll love that window over there; if you jump out you'll fall to the 55th floor then float back up!"
The tourist doesn't believe so the drunk hurls himself out the window, falls to the 55th floor- then amazingly floats back up to the roof and into the window. The tourist is overjoyed with excitement to try this nifty trick and jumps out the window, falls past the 55th floor and splatters to a pulp on the sidewalk below.
The drunk giggles to himself and takes his seat back at the bar. The bartender looks at him in disgust and says,
"You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
A tourist goes to the top of the Empire State bldg. he finds a bar on the roof full of city history and nostalgia. "What a great place!" He exclaims.
A drunk at the bar says,"You like this? Then you'll love that window over there; if you jump out you'll fall to the 55th floor then float back up!"
The tourist doesn't believe so the drunk hurls himself out the window, falls to the 55th floor- then amazingly floats back up to the roof and into the window. The tourist is overjoyed with excitement to try this nifty trick and jumps out the window, falls past the 55th floor and splatters to a pulp on the sidewalk below.
The drunk giggles to himself and takes his seat back at the bar. The bartender looks at him in disgust and says,
"You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
- Savage
- Juicing Like Jackie
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Hey, y'all. Do you know what is black and white and red all over?
Obama.
Thanks, y'all. I would say that I would be here all week, but I'm afraid our esteemed colleague will be banning me shortly, for political content.
Anyways, order the veal, it's freaking yummy, and do remember to tip your server well.
Obama.
Thanks, y'all. I would say that I would be here all week, but I'm afraid our esteemed colleague will be banning me shortly, for political content.
Anyways, order the veal, it's freaking yummy, and do remember to tip your server well.
like tears in rain
- Savage
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
Or I could tell that one about the kangaroo again. Anyone? Beuller?
like tears in rain
-
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Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
No special treatment for you, dear Lady S.Savage wrote:...I'm afraid our esteemed colleague will be banning me shortly, for political content...
"If I had all the money that I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink!"
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
"The trouble with internet quotes is that one can never be sure if they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Kindly listen to this, please.
ドロンケン
- Savage
- Juicing Like Jackie
- Posts: 25434
- Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2003 1:16 am
- Location: All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
Re: The Crappy Jokes thread!
oh hell. story of my life. some smartass always beats me to it.Palinka wrote:No special treatment for you, dear Lady S.Savage wrote:...I'm afraid our esteemed colleague will be banning me shortly, for political content...
like tears in rain