This one is from Bill Hader as Peter O'Toole with a comment on media figures using alcoholism as an excuse for their behavior:
"A-ha! Seth, Amy, ‘tis I – Peter O’Toole! Over the years, I have obtained some notoriety as one who will, from time to time, enjoy a cocktail...or a hundred cocktails. For my behavior I have been rewarded with the present title: alcoholic. A high honor indeed. A toast, to me! Now this putrid silly congressman from Florida, this Mark Foley ( a pox on him!) calling himself an alcoholic when, in fact, the man is just pervy little creep. In my most heroic and glorious drunkenness I have never dreamed of diddling the doinks of young boys. I have soiled myself; I have soiled my friends, and I have passed out cold in many an unsavory lavatory. For which, I am very proud. But I am not a pervert! I’m a drunk! I drink! I talk too loud! I knock stuff over! One time, when I was sensationally drunk, Albert Finny and I stole a train! That’s the kind of fun we alcoholics like to have, eh?
Mel Gibson can say he’s an alcoholic. But we all know he’s just a racist. I am not a racist. I have spent many a night in a many a bathtub. I have wandered the streets at night without my trousers. I once borrowed a circus elephant and took it to a dance. All this because I was an alcoholic – a rich and wonderful tradition – not to be confused with racism or perversion. Thank you, Seth, Amy, I’d love to talk more, but as you can see, this is my stop!"
SNL
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- Hooch Hound
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- Mallory Knox
- King Cockeyed
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Beautiful!!!
Apparently I once almost fought an elephant while drunk... Friends don't let friend fight elephants though, so I'm glad they were there.
Apparently I once almost fought an elephant while drunk... Friends don't let friend fight elephants though, so I'm glad they were there.
I can't write like Papa, you know I just ain't able
But if he came in here tonight, I'd drink him under the table -Ronny Elliott
RIP Mayhem, as long as I have a heart you are in it.
But if he came in here tonight, I'd drink him under the table -Ronny Elliott
RIP Mayhem, as long as I have a heart you are in it.
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Once tried to steal a train once but they're hard to hotwire.
"Preacher! Go on down and get me some bourbon. J. T. S. Brown. No ice, no glass."
- Paul Newman, The Hustler
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/141203 ... F8&s=books
- Paul Newman, The Hustler
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/141203 ... F8&s=books
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- Hooch Hound
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Gotta love those MacGruber skits
Situation: Booby Trapped Bridge, MacGruber is trapped in a room with two chicks
Casey: Holy smoke MacGruber, there's no way out!
April: That's not our only problem, MacGruber: that dirty bomb is gonna detonate in 15 seconds!
MacGruber: Alright, everyone keep it together. If we're gonna get out of here, and we are gonna get out of here, we need to focus up!
A: 10 seconds!
C: What do we do MacGruber?
McG: Casey, hand me that beaker
C: You got it MacGruber!
McG: April, I need exactly four ounces of tomato juice
A: I'm on it MacGruber
McG: Hand me that celery
A: Celery, check!
McG: Ok, does anybody see any Tobasco sauce?
C: <Looking around> Uh... MacGruber, are you making a drink?
McG: <taking a drink out of beaker full of bloody mary and a bottle of vodka in the other hand> What's up?
<Bridge explodes>
MacGruber!
Situation: Booby Trapped Bridge, MacGruber is trapped in a room with two chicks
Casey: Holy smoke MacGruber, there's no way out!
April: That's not our only problem, MacGruber: that dirty bomb is gonna detonate in 15 seconds!
MacGruber: Alright, everyone keep it together. If we're gonna get out of here, and we are gonna get out of here, we need to focus up!
A: 10 seconds!
C: What do we do MacGruber?
McG: Casey, hand me that beaker
C: You got it MacGruber!
McG: April, I need exactly four ounces of tomato juice
A: I'm on it MacGruber
McG: Hand me that celery
A: Celery, check!
McG: Ok, does anybody see any Tobasco sauce?
C: <Looking around> Uh... MacGruber, are you making a drink?
McG: <taking a drink out of beaker full of bloody mary and a bottle of vodka in the other hand> What's up?
<Bridge explodes>
MacGruber!
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