Your day in a nutshell. Share please.

[Thompson]

Not too long ago I ventured into a strip club on Bourbon Street. I had this overwhelming desire to see dancers. Some of the girls can really dance. It’s an art, really, aside from the pasties and g-strings, which don’t hurt. So I walk in and am immediately accosted by two non-dancers who shovel me to some back room and demand money for a private dance. Both of these dames are fat and pushy and I’ve been around and I’m not going to pay them shit and they can fuck off, I want to see some dancing girls up on the stage. Well, long story short, the fatter of the two pulled my almost brand new eye glasses off my face and broke them right in two. Then she called for the bouncer and told some lies and I was pushed out the door with a pair of broken in half almost brand new eye glasses in my hand.

[Thompson]

But the joke was not on me. I don’t give a fuck about any eyeglasses. That fatty was doing me a favor by breaking them in half. The less you have, the less you have to depend on, the better off you are. I don’t wear eye glasses anymore, and if I see that fat bitch out on the street (squint) well, I might stomp on her toes or do something mean like squeeze her nose.

[Badfellow]

A loud fart…

Funny you mention that. Last night I rifled off a fart so loud that it woke me from my drug and Scotch induced coma. Granted, not as loud as the belch 3 years ago that made people’s ears ring. But a jet engine is rated at around 120db and this was just shy of causing permanent hearing loss.

It’s said that certain Drunkard tribes use fart signals to communicate with one another over long distances.

[Thompson]

I’m here to tell you right here and now that a fart is way way better than pissing your pants. Pissing your pants is a real pain in the ass. Now what do you do? You get the rag and try to dry the piss off? No, it’s too wet, the piss is down to your knees for Christ sake. And this happened because you didn’t listen to your inner voice that said, “Go take a fucking piss right now Thompson!” Normally I piss outside because it’s closer. But there are new neighbors who peek out their window and try to catch me. So now I have to change all of my shit — my double drawers, my long johns, and my brand new fresh washed overalls. Fuck.

[Thompson]

Oh yeah, ever tried counting your farts? How many farts in a day would you guess? There’s a whole string of them when you wake up and run to take a piss. That’s just for starters. I would say that (depending on how long I stay awake) sixty farts is a pretty good estimate. Some are just neutral gas, others let you know you are still alive.

[scream ale]

20-35 easy

[Thompson]

Yeah sixty might be an optimistic estimate. Thirty for sure. In fact, I am going to make that my mission, to count ‘em and record ‘em.

[Badfellow]

Do popcorn and machine gun farts count? What about a brief interlude during a prolonged gale?

The Int’l. Competitive Flatulence Association based in Las Vegas defines a fart as "a singular and distinct ejection of gas or multiple gases from below the equator". I suppose this was meant to address the judges scandal of ‘16 and that whole flatuletory overlap controversy thing. Can’t we just be trusted to count our own farts on the honor system? Apparently not.

[Nausea]

Do reverse farts/sharts count against the count?

[scream ale]

It's about 7pm, I've been awake roughly 14 hours and only have a score of 12. My estimate was way the fuck off. Disappointment sucks but hey a reason to drink is a reason to drink.

[Badfellow]

Sooner or later your second wind will come along.

[Badfellow]

My count is up by 4 in the last 2 minutes.

[Badfellow]

Fart tally aside, it was not a bad day at all beneath the red sun of a wildfire haze. Some trucker up in Alberta probably chucked a lit bong and a jug full of diesel grade piss out the window. Made for a fantastic sunset with a bunch of beer and a munch of the funky fungus.

I believe it was Tennessee Williams who once wrote: "when the house is on fire, sometimes all you can do is piss out the window, mix another drink and count your farts like a man."

[Thompson]

It's about 7pm, I've been awake roughly 14 hours and only have a score of 12. My estimate was way the fuck off. Disappointment sucks but hey a reason to drink is a reason to drink.

Well, musing on the subject, it might not be the number of farts but the quality of farts. A little bitty pip squeak fart doesn’t count as much as a long rumbling took about five minutes to get down there fart and finally escaped and smelled, well, like a fart is supposed to smell, and the feeling of relief was just great kind of fart.

[Thompson]

My day in a nutshell has been a shitty one. And you know what? I’m getting sick and tired of these shitty days. Fuck this. I’m going to find me a girl with faraway eyes and score an eight ball of cocaine.