Here's a tip: don't wander into an Islamic cultural center looking for free coffee after you've been to the bar. The Muslims will not share their coffee with drunken infidels. Must be good stuff.
Another place not to get coffee is at the Flying J truck stop and lot lizard refuge off the I-80 exit in Taintville, IA. It's a great place to get full blown AIDS, but the coffee is more skanky than a Berlin whore humping on a musty Harpo Marx doll. Dirty dish water laced with biker crank and butt mud about sums it up.
Also, Starbucks sucks. It's only a matter of time before all the latte lemmings decide to take the plunge together and jump off a cliff into the brackish seas of their own moribund making. Overpriced dregs and film-flam barrista parlor tricks. Pffffffft, indeed.
Oh coffee, you great jezebel of our times, dance with lady liquor in my cup and open wide my mind's eye.
Places not to get coffee
Moderators: Artful Drunktective, mistah willies, NYDingbat, Judge, oettinger, Oggar, Badfellow, Mr Boozificator
- Badfellow
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Places not to get coffee
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- oldsmartskunk
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Re: Places not to get coffee
Just make it yourself you lazy prick!
- mistah willies
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Re: Places not to get coffee
"....humping away on a musty Harpo Marx doll..."
Friggin laughing at the entire entry
Friggin laughing at the entire entry
- Dear Booze
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Re: Places not to get coffee
Adds a whole new twist on the "I take my coffee the same as my women" routine...
Black, full of crank, and from a truck stop.
Black, full of crank, and from a truck stop.
DRINK!
- Badfellow
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Formal Legalities
Just to be clear, the Harpo Marx doll is of the inflatable variety, and in the case of a waterborne landing, can also be used as non-USCG approved flotation/flirtation device.
That being said...
The fact that my client added genuine faux Muppet crotch fur and a blonde wig to the doll prior to the alleged crime, may it please the court, is immaterial and should be disregarded as evidence by the jury.
Furthermore, cup of coffee please and may it please the court, the accusatory nature of said plaintiff blow-up doll has demonstrated a willful and malicious pattern of preying upon sexually inadequate "men" of mixed Teutonic descent, especially those who are prone to drink too much chablis and display their prawn sized genitalia as part of some perverse, ungodly form of courting ritual.
No, an accusation in itself is not fact.
Is my client guilty? Probably. But I dare you to prove it. I rest my case, and I need to take a piss.
That being said...
The fact that my client added genuine faux Muppet crotch fur and a blonde wig to the doll prior to the alleged crime, may it please the court, is immaterial and should be disregarded as evidence by the jury.
Furthermore, cup of coffee please and may it please the court, the accusatory nature of said plaintiff blow-up doll has demonstrated a willful and malicious pattern of preying upon sexually inadequate "men" of mixed Teutonic descent, especially those who are prone to drink too much chablis and display their prawn sized genitalia as part of some perverse, ungodly form of courting ritual.
No, an accusation in itself is not fact.
Is my client guilty? Probably. But I dare you to prove it. I rest my case, and I need to take a piss.
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- Artful Drunktective
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Re: Places not to get coffee
Musty dusty rusty crusty non-lusty non-busty ginger-nut Harpo Marx doll. Isn't that a fellow drunkard's lover you are speaking of?
Okole maluna!
- Artful Drunktective
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Re: Formal Legalities
^ ^ ^Badfellow wrote: ↑Thu Dec 07, 2017 5:35 pm
Furthermore, cup of coffee please and may it please the court, the accusatory nature of said plaintiff blow-up doll has demonstrated a willful and malicious pattern of preying upon sexually inadequate "men" of mixed Teutonic descent, especially those who are prone to drink too much chablis and display their prawn sized genitalia as part of some perverse, ungodly form of courting ritual.
That being said...freaking hysterical. PRAWN SIZE GENITALIA! There ain't no ant eaters up in this piece!
Okole maluna!
- Badfellow
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Re: Places not to get coffee
These allegations are entirely unproven and completely false, except for in some ambiguous circumstances where certain truths may or may not apply.Artful Detective wrote: ↑Sat Dec 09, 2017 6:21 amMusty dusty rusty crusty non-lusty non-busty ginger-nut Harpo Marx doll. Isn't that a fellow drunkard's lover you are speaking of?
And lookie-loo here, young lady. Bursting into the room and swinging your Harpo Marx doll around like a feral cavewoman on PCP is simply over the line.
OVER THE LINE!
Did you learn this sort of behavior from one of your roundhouse-kicking, Malibu-guzzling, rug-urinating nihilistic friends?
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- Artful Drunktective
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Re: Places not to get coffee
Whatchu talkin' about Willis? I taught those nihilistic sluts how to roundhouse kick and guzzle booze. The rug micturating however is over the line as my rugs really tie the room together and I'd prefer to keep them urine free.Badfellow wrote: ↑Sat Dec 09, 2017 11:53 amAnd lookie-loo here, young lady. Bursting into the room and swinging your Harpo Marx doll around like a feral cavewoman on PCP is simply over the line.Artful Detective wrote: ↑Sat Dec 09, 2017 6:21 amMusty dusty rusty crusty non-lusty non-busty ginger-nut Harpo Marx doll. Isn't that a fellow drunkard's lover you are speaking of?
OVER THE LINE!
Did you learn this sort of behavior from one of your roundhouse-kicking, Malibu-guzzling, rug-urinating nihilistic friends?
Boy this thread turned way off topic rather quickly. To answer the original post...my answer would be Starbucks. Too hipster. Completely overpriced and overrated. I have an active Starbucks embargo in effect.
Okole maluna!
- Badfellow
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Places to definitely get coffee
Starbucks embargo, on.
Concerning places to definitely get coffee, there's a little shop in the hood ran by Ethiopians where the coffee is strong-diggidy-bomb and frothy. And they seem to have a bit of an Italian colonial influence going on where they like to cut it with cream and sugar. Not me. I like it strong and black. Just like my female bodyguards.
Concerning places to definitely get coffee, there's a little shop in the hood ran by Ethiopians where the coffee is strong-diggidy-bomb and frothy. And they seem to have a bit of an Italian colonial influence going on where they like to cut it with cream and sugar. Not me. I like it strong and black. Just like my female bodyguards.
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- ThirstyDrunk
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Re: Places not to get coffee
A wastewater treatment plant.
Like a desperate thirst in a raging drought
Re: Places not to get coffee
AA meetings.
Now you're ready for some anti-dry-otics!-BeerMakesMeSmarter
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If worms had daggers, birds wouldn't fuck with them-Todd Snider
Blackout and be extraordinary-Absinthe of Malice
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Re: Places not to get coffee
We have a Nutri-Matic drinks dispenser at my new job. It's wonderful.
Every time I walk up to the thing and press the button for 'coffee', it extends invisible probes, made from alien alloy, that check my mood, blood pressure, past experiences, current attitude, and compiles all this data into a flavor profile that is custom designed to go down well.
Nobody knows why it does this, because every damn time, it invariably produces a hot dark brown liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike coffee.
Every time I walk up to the thing and press the button for 'coffee', it extends invisible probes, made from alien alloy, that check my mood, blood pressure, past experiences, current attitude, and compiles all this data into a flavor profile that is custom designed to go down well.
Nobody knows why it does this, because every damn time, it invariably produces a hot dark brown liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike coffee.
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